for those who like free verse

[CrowSingsOver]

Fourth Dimension

Stretch out,
Fingers brushing
Tips of stars.
Moving
Snaking into my curves.
Spoon me,
A child Inside.
The cave-womb,
Mother's belly,
A Universe in itself.

Fingers to feathers.
Skin to sunlight.
My spirit rises.
Make my bones a cradle,
My blood a river,
My heart a drum.
Sing inside,
The fourth dimension.

 

[Angeline]

Feedback

Hello CrowSingsOver and welcome. Boy do I love your poem. The imagery is so strong and it's more than visual--I can hear and feel what's happening in it--and I really like when a poem does that because I think it affects the reader more.

A few comments/suggestions.

I don't think you are being particularly well served by punctuation in this poem because you are not writing all complete sentences. Thus, the punctuation chops the poem up (IMHO) instead of letting it do what it wants to do--flow.

That also applies to the capitalization--most of which you'd lose if you take out the punctuation, but there are other places (Inside, Mother, Universe), where I think you're using it for emphasis. I'd let the structure do that (our resident fish, Rybka, uses this to great affect--especially in the poem Copacetic Persuasion).

Here is one way my suggestions could make the poem look. It is a terrific poem though. I really enjoyed reading it.

Fourth Dimension

stretch out
fingers brushing
tips of stars

moving
snaking into my curves

spoon me
a child inside
the cave-womb

(mother's belly
a universe in itself)

fingers to feathers
skin to sunlight

my spirit rises
make my bones a cradle
my blood a river
my heart a drum

sing inside the fourth dimension