For Those of You Who Are Involved Online

[lavender]

 

[Guest]

especially for women.

Sexist. Sexiest. Sexsocist.

 

[perks]

Women should stick together. I am of the opinion that when a friend of mine is involved with another man - I step away - almost completely. I try to avoid all impropriety.


this is an interesting concept.

I think you're dividing the sexes again.

Why do women have to stick together? It's not a competition.

If you choose to be with someone and they choose to be with you then that's it. Whether they are close with someone else, shouldn't come between the choice you've made together. If you can't trust your choice, then you need to look at yourself, not your SO or the other person<not just woman>

If you use the term "impropriety" you think that it isn't proper to be close or intimate with someone who is involved with another person. That's a choice. Just not one I necessarily agree with.

I would not give up a friendship with someone I was close with because his/her new SO felt threatened by me. That is about their insecurity, not about me. I'd like to think that my friend would pick someone stronger than that.

 

[estevie]

None.


I trust him not to do something that would hurt me.

There is not a woman in the world that I would tell him he couldn't associate with. My relationship with him is based on trust, if I can't trust HIM, no matter who he is with...then whats the point?

 

[intrigued]

I think women should stick together, too. But more importantly, I think friends should stick together. If my friends were to know something that I need to know, they damn well better tell me.

I think alot of the concern regarding trust is that on the internet, anything is possible. There are endless ways to deceive, and it takes little to figure out how...and something I have come to realize recently is that there are also ways to test someones honesty. But thats my little secret.
When you're dealing with PM's and emails and the like, there is so much secrecy involved, unlike in person relationships, in which you can follow the paper trail, for example, and other methods, too. Those methods are sorely lacking online. This makes it extremely hard to trust, and it also lends easily to jealousy.
When we cannot trust completely, its very easy to feel vulnerable.

For myself, I will never trust relationships that are based online, even if they include phone calls. Those same phones can be dialing other numbers, too. Until a person is in my personal life, offline, I just cannot give my trust. I am learning this in a very hard way.
I have even had someone tell me they love me and want a future with me, but nope...until they are HERE with me, it isn't believable for me.

This also applies to others trusting in me. I cannot commit totally to someone online, until they are here with me.

I hope this answers the friendship/trust issue as well....

 

[Sandia]

You've confused the hell out of me, lav. Do you have a friend who's involved with your enemy? An enemy who's involved with your friend? Or have you found a beau yourself?

Is it me?

 

[Mischka]

Is it me?

Nope. We played rock, paper, scissors, and I got dibs on you.

 

[lavender]

 

[perks]

Even so, there are some women I don't trust. These aren't women I have interaction with for the most part.

I thought we were supposed to "stick together"

c'mon lavy. Some girl has you in knots, don't let it be like that. You're stronger than that.

You're a tough chica, get your shit together, and focus on your choice, and your relationship, not about outside noise. right?

Someone chose you too, trust his choice.

 

[lavender]

 

[Sandia]

Nope. We played rock, paper, scissors, and I got dibs on you.

Woohoo!

 

[SweetCherry]

I guess I don't have a problem with Draco speaking to whomever he chooses. I've been with him nearly 2 years now. In the end it comes down to I can either be a jealous bitch and rip his head off for talking/flirting with other women or I can trust him to be faithful to me. I figure I'm a flirt. I've no intentions on fucking around on him, and he's got no ideas of doing it to me either.

When it comes down to how I relate to others who are "involved", it depends on each individual situation. I start out lightly flirting, as is my way. If someone expresses discomfort with how I'm acting, I discontinue. It's not a trust issue for me, just a matter of respect.

 

[Sandia]

On a more serious note, I don't understand the trust issue. I mean, I really don't. Can someone explain this to me?

What are you saving yourself for?

 

[intrigued]

Intrigued, as always your post was so thoughtful. I have always been wary of online communication. I don't have the faith or the trust to completely give someone the benefit of the doubt. This may come from insecurity. I always feel guilty when I don't trust those I care about - but I feel we have to have our guard up online. We never truly know what goes on here.

I have realized many times in the last few months how silly I have been in regard to such matters.

Even so, there are some women I don't trust. These aren't women I have interaction with for the most part.

Sometimes, it does seem silly, doesn't it? I struggle with it daily. But then, affairs of the heart are often plagued and troublesome enough, and when you add the anonymity of the internet, well, its not so easy to throw caution to the wind, as it's our hearts that pay the price.
When I was 20, I was a different woman (girl) and would have thrown caution to the wind. I shudder to think of where that may have led me. (with regard to the internet.)
In closing, we hear all the time about "practicing online safety" with regard to our person. Well, isn't our heart every bit as sacred as our life?

 

[Saint Peter]

"I would not be paranoid if everyone was not out to get me."

Col.Frank Burns (ret)
Mash #4077

 

[kotori]

There are no guaranties in life, on-line or real. Relationships wax and wane--there's an "arc of interest" a hyperoblic paraboloid, a catanary curve. No one can expect a pure line from zero to infinity.

You pays your money, and you takes your chances.

 

[cutie pie]

You can approach online relationships - be they romantic or platonic - in one of two ways.

You can be wary, suspicious and distrustful. You can withhold personal information regarding yourself and believe that everything the other person tells you is a lie. Don't expect the relationship to last very long though. It will never have a chance to thrive under these conditions.

Or. . .you can assume that the person you're deal with is an OK, average, normal person. Sure, there has to be some consideration of safety. I don't hand out personal info to just anybody. But, there has to be an element of trust, even from the very beginning. I consider myself to be relatively smart and a good judge of character. Emails and PMs can establish a base relationship. Even better interaction comes via instant messaging. Eventually, you're going to have a sense of whether you can trust the other person to be honest and truthful.

I am probably more free in giving out certain info - such as my phone number - than other people here. For as much time as I spend here, I can't let myself become suspicious of every person I interact with. It would drive me crazy. I've yet to get burned, and I'm probably lucky.

 

[lavender]

 

[intrigued]

I guess I don't have a problem with Draco speaking to whomever he chooses. I've been with him nearly 2 years now. In the end it comes down to I can either be a jealous bitch and rip his head off for talking/flirting with other women or I can trust him to be faithful to me. I figure I'm a flirt. I've no intentions on fucking around on him, and he's got no ideas of doing it to me either.

When it comes down to how I relate to others who are "involved", it depends on each individual situation. I start out lightly flirting, as is my way. If someone expresses discomfort with how I'm acting, I discontinue. It's not a trust issue for me, just a matter of respect.

I hope I will not open a can of worms by expressing further thought on this...

In your situation, two years with someone is a bit different than those of us still attempting to establsih trust, on any level at all. You are a unique situation, and your points are well made, for YOUR situation. (And I'm very happy for you!)

The flirting issue, well, it is silly to let that get to us, and I am horrible about it. When I am sweet on someone, it does pain me a bit to see them flirt with someone, until I really stop myself and think about it. I remind myself what flirting does for all of us, and I try to get over it. Its silly, I know, and please, I realize its *MY* issue, and that it is wrong, so wrong. Especially coming from me, when I get a bit of attention myself...
It only lasts for a moment, and then I'm all better.

It does feed into..."but whats going on that I can't see"...see? Which leads me right back to not being able to give my complete trust until it has moved beyond online.

 

[intrigued]

You can approach online relationships - be they romantic or platonic - in one of two ways.

You can be wary, suspicious and distrustful. You can withhold personal information regarding yourself and believe that everything the other person tells you is a lie. Don't expect the relationship to last very long though. It will never have a chance to thrive under these conditions.

Or. . .you can assume that the person you're deal with is an OK, average, normal person. Sure, there has to be some consideration of safety. I don't hand out personal info to just anybody. But, there has to be an element of trust, even from the very beginning. I consider myself to be relatively smart and a good judge of character. Emails and PMs can establish a base relationship. Even better interaction comes via instant messaging. Eventually, you're going to have a sense of whether you can trust the other person to be honest and truthful.

I am probably more free in giving out certain info - such as my phone number - than other people here. For as much time as I spend here, I can't let myself become suspicious of every person I interact with. It would drive me crazy. I've yet to get burned, and I'm probably lucky.

Yes, agreed on all points. But, we are (or atleast I am) talking about serious, romantic relationships, in which its your heart on the line. Can you completely give your total trust, your all consuming love and committment to an online ONLY relationship?

 

[Trail48]

Wow..

 

[Saint Peter]

Yes, agreed on all points. But, we are (or atleast I am) talking about serious, romantic relationships, in which its your heart on the line. Can you completely give your total trust, your all consuming love and committment to an online ONLY relationship?

When the time comes that your heart is on the line a vacation might be a good investment to make sure this person is who you think he or she is. Maybe a day before your heart is on the line.

Online, phone, and mail relationships may or may not work out in R/L. But what do you have to lose? Many R/L relationships don't work out in R/L. Roll the dice. Gaurd you heart.

 

[intrigued]

Wow..I feel like a huge pile of shit has dropped on me

Why? If your intentions are good, why do you feel this way?




SaintPeter, I'm sorry, I cannot tell if you are being sarcastic, or what?

 

[Saint Peter]

SaintPeter, I'm sorry, I cannot tell if you are being sarcastic, or what?

This is one time I am not being sarcastic intrigued.

 

[intrigued]

This is one time I am not being sarcastic intrigued.

Thank you....

I do roll the dice, but it has to go further than online only.

I am wide open here, I give out my phone number left and right, many even know where I live, and have been to my home, and there are others that I have met in person elsewhere. I am not afraid of people or of giving them a chance. In many ways, I trust too easily. But when you're talking love and committment, its a bit foolish to trust easily, give all, and completely surrender.
How satisfying can that be in an "online only" relationship anyway?