For the Record...

[Joe Wordsworth]

...I have not had an affair with a married woman. Hopefully nobody else thinks I have. Long story, but I just to make sure that of all the things we can reasonably hold against me we're not throwing adultery into the mix.

 

[TxRad]

I had a torrid affair with a married woman. It went on for six years.

*Sigh* What memories.

Then we got a divorce.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I've been having the same one for the last forty.

 

[sophia jane]

Is this going to become the thread to confess our marital indiscretions???

I had an affair with a married man. I'm pretty sure I don't feel bad about it.

*ponders* Does this make me a bad person?

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

Closest I've come is having a secret romance with a long time friend who was dating some other guy. In my defense, though, it was pretty much the most important woman in my whole life and, like, "The One" so to speak.

I don't know that that forgives it, but there we are.

 

[sophia jane]

Closest I've come is having a secret romance with a long time friend who was dating some other guy. In my defense, though, it was pretty much the most important woman in my whole life and, like, "The One" so to speak.

I don't know that that forgives it, but there we are.

I don't think there's anything to forgive.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I don't think there's anything to forgive.

Well... I dunno. I kinda do. I'm a little old fashioned on it--very "Golden Rule" about a lot of things.

If I'd gone over and tagged some guy's girl behind his back (a good friend perhaps), I feel like it'd be different than a looooooooong infatuated and friendly relationship turning into a romance that happens to be an affair. That's just me, though, I guess.

 

[sophia jane]

Well... I dunno. I kinda do. I'm a little old fashioned on it--very "Golden Rule" about a lot of things.

If I'd gone over and tagged some guy's girl behind his back (a good friend perhaps), I feel like it'd be different than a looooooooong infatuated and friendly relationship turning into a romance that happens to be an affair. That's just me, though, I guess.

I'm not saying there's not a difference. There is definitely a difference between the scenarios and that difference does make one thing more forgivable than the other.
I meant, in your case, that if nothing happened there's nothing to forgive.

 

[impressive]

I did, and I hated what it did to my soul. I may never be the same.

 

[sophia jane]

I did, and I hated what it did to my soul. I may never be the same.

I felt that way at the time. I felt very conflicted about it while it was happening, and it was a really difficult thing for me emotionally, for my sake, for his and for his wife.
But do I look back on it with any regret? No. It was a pivotal relationship in my adult life, and I suspect the impact on him was as big. Would I have regrets if his wife had found out? Maybe. The fact that she doesn't know makes it easier to justify, I think, and maybe that part of it (for me) is wrong.


I have an interesting view of marriage and relationships, partly because of my time here at lit where I've seen so very many miserable relationships, so many people who post here at lit to find the acceptance they don't have at home, so many people who are not satisfied emotionally or sexually in their marriages and they don't feel like they could necessarily leave. I have a great deal of empathy for those people, and I don't know if I can begrudge them their happinesses however they find them. It's hard to know, I think, the best way to judge those choices.
I'm lucky. I was able to get out of my miserable marriage. If I hadn't, well, I don't know what would have become of me.

 

[logophile]

I believe that she wasn't married, Joe, but at the time, I thought she was as well. I remember that relationship. You used to refer to her as "my girl." It was touching.

I had an affair when I was married. It was the biggest mistake I ever made and I have never forgiven myself for it. The man I had the affair with was also in a long term relationship. Our affair really fucked up all four of us. It seemed/seems so selfish.

Also, if I hadn't had that affair, I wouldn't have realized that I was miserable, left my ex-husband and set out to discover who I really am. There's good and bad.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I believe that she wasn't married, Joe, but at the time, I thought she was as well. I remember that relationship. You used to refer to her as "my girl." It was touching.

I had an affair when I was married. It was the biggest mistake I ever made and I have never forgiven myself for it. The man I had the affair with was also in a long term relationship. Our affair really fucked up all four of us. It seemed/seems so selfish.

Also, if I hadn't had that affair, I wouldn't have realized that I was miserable, left my ex-husband and set out to discover who I really am. There's good and bad.

Yup, that's the one--bingo--I'm actually pretty sensitive about it, really. Even now. Only weakness I've ever really had, that girl. Blah.

Anyhow. I'm not sure what roll affairs play. I'm pretty old-fashioned, really. I think its "wrong", but in a non-married kinda way I've already done it. I have asked myself if she'd been married would I have, but I just don't know

 

[logophile]

Yup, that's the one--bingo--I'm actually pretty sensitive about it, really. Even now. Only weakness I've ever really had, that girl. Blah.

Anyhow. I'm not sure what roll affairs play. I'm pretty old-fashioned, really. I think its "wrong", but in a non-married kinda way I've already done it. I have asked myself if she'd been married would I have, but I just don't know

My affair was with my high school sweetheart, the truest love I had ever known to that point. He still looked at me like I was the most beautiful woman on earth, the smartest, funniest, most desirable woman. I loved him so much.

I'm not saying that to justify it. As I said, it was the worst mistake I've ever made and I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself.

 

[Boota]

I wouldn't judge anyone about this. I never thought so, but there are situations where I don't think it's necessarily the wrong thing.

My girlfriend is still going through the process of her divorce, but we've been involved for over three years. Her husband told her to leave him alone, she wasn't attractive to him and to go find someone else to fuck. He didn't want her and no one else would either. Who wants a woman in her mid-30's with four kids?

She left, went to a hotel and got a room, and called him one last time to let him know he could get a babysitter and meet her there. He declined. She sat there a few moments, pondering suicide with a razor blade in her hand. He had beat her down so bad over their marriage that she was just a shell of the girl I had almost married back in 1991. He never hit her. It was all emotional abuse, so in his mind he hadn't done anything wrong. He'd never laid a hand on her.

Instead of using the blade she called me. I dropped what I was doing and I was there in less than ten minutes. We've been together ever since, but now that he found out that someone else does want her and will have a woman with four kids, he's doing all he can to make things hard on her. He quit a good paying job in order to lower his provisional child support. He still knows what buttons to push, so he calls her when I'm not around and starts fights with her. I come home from work and she's just fuming. He uses the kids as a weapon against her.

I still think an affair with a married person is wrong, speaking in broad terms. I think it is something that should be avoided. However, I don't feel the slightest bit bad about this situation. It's not the optimum way I would have gotten to be with her, but I feel no shame over it. I wish I made a little more money to help take care of the four kids that he screwed over by quitting his job, but we're making it. I love the kids as if they were my own. I coached them in baseball and I like to do things with them. He rarely, i.e. almost never, did anything significant with them. He never even saw one of their games until he learned that I was at the ballpark as a coach. Then he came down to keep an eye on me and his wife. The kids, having begged him for years to come see them play, were not really any of his concern.

I never thought I would knowingly get involved with a married woman and I couldn't imagine the scenario where I would be all right with it. I didn't find the loophole. The loophole found me.

 

[rikaaim]

I did, and I hated what it did to my soul. I may never be the same.

I did as well and felt the same as you. Circumstances had prolonged the timeframe of my divorce. There's still a part of me that can't forgive what I did to a good woman. Then there's the other part of me that says that I needed to leave. I needed to find where I was really happy. I'll be divorced the first of May, oficially anyway. In the meantime, both her and I have moved on and found people that make us very happy. She and I are on good terms and friendly terms. We disagree about nothing involving the divorce and have settled everything very maturely. She was always more mature than I though.

My point, she said she forgave me days after the event happened. I never forgave myself. It's the events that occured after the incident that is the reason for our divorce. I became emotionally abusive and manipulative. It's that reason that she had to leave for her own health reasons. I had to let her go. In fighting for her, I only made things worse. I regret how difficult I made her life. Maybe that wasn't so much the affair. I think that was just more my doing. To me, I wanted out of the marriage. An affair was a cheap and easy escape. I wasn't a man then. I'm trying to be one now. It's not a easy road to walk or destination to reach. I just use the event to think about. I pause before making big decisions again and think about the consequences now. Sometimes emotions are great and lead to the right decision. Sometimes a step back needs to be taken to see what's the best way to make to accomplish the decision for all parties involved. Like others have said, more than two people are involved in an affair. Even the emotions of the person the affair is with are involved. Too many conflicting interests are present for everyone to sit down and talk it out.

I do hope that you find your true self and try to let it go. I'm doing the same now. When I look at my life now, I know keeping that burden only hurts the ones I love now. My self pity and self loathing distracts me from loving them. I know I'm not a bad person. I'm made some bad choices in all aspects of my life. That's what I'm trying to do better at. Making better choices. But I have to live in the here and now to do that. I have to trust in myself that I can do that. And I can't constantly harp on the fact that I did something wrong or bad. If I do that, then I'll never be the person that /I/ want to be. There are many things I still want to do in this world. The only way to do that is keep marching forward. Don't pause to look back, and then think that nothing good can ever come from yourself. You're a good person and whether you realize it or not, good things are already coming from you. Look at those, nurture those, and use the experience as a marker on the decision making scale.

 

[impressive]

I do hope that you find your true self and try to let it go.

Thank you, sugar. I know my true self, and I know now I'm not the person I thought I was -- because if I had it to do over again, I'm not sure I'd do anything differently.

I used to believe that there were certain situations in which the ends did not justify ANY means. My actions have proven at least one of those "certainties" to be a lie. I didn't betray someone else. I betrayed myself. And I have to live with that. Forever.

That being said, I have promised myself that I will never enter into another relationship, tryst, or one-night stand that has to be kept a secret. That seems contradictory in light of the above, but that situation was (I *hope*) the exception to my rules.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thank you, sugar. I know my true self, and I know now I'm not the person I thought I was -- because if I had it to do over again, I'm not sure I'd do anything differently.

I used to believe that there were certain situations in which the ends did not justify ANY means. My actions have proven at least one of those "certainties" to be a lie. I didn't betray someone else. I betrayed myself. And I have to live with that. Forever.

That being said, I have promised myself that I will never enter into another relationship, tryst, or one-night stand that has to be kept a secret. That seems contradictory in light of the above, but that situation was (I *hope*) the exception to my rules.

That's perfectly said.

Of course there are contradictions, and I congratulate you on seeing them!

Back in the 70's, I got a phone call; "My wife is gone for the summer, would you like to have an affair with me?" was the gist. I did. It had consequences, good ones and bad ones.

And in the nineties, I got sucked into much more than I had bargained for, with an attached gay woman. It was supposed to be a BDSM thing, between her and me, and I always end a session with sex if I can -- which I had told her-- she lied about the boundaries they had agreed on. In retrospect, she used me to break off her partnership-- I had a long talk with the other party, years later. I was married myself, but mine was open-- and she had the nerve to call me "Mrs. Jones" to her friends!

My feeling, back then, was that sex and love were two seperate things. I still feel that way, but they don't call it "making love" for no reason, and I would not be so blithe again...

 

[jomar]

.....

 

[elsol]

*yawn*

I wouldn't accuse anyone of sleeping with a married woman -- I.M.O. that's like accusing someone of sleeping with a bottle-blonde woman.

 

[starrkers]

...I have not had an affair with a married woman. Hopefully nobody else thinks I have. Long story, but I just to make sure that of all the things we can reasonably hold against me we're not throwing adultery into the mix.

Colour me stupid and I've obviously missed something major, but I can't see how someone's personal sex life could or should ever be held or used against them, especially here.

It saddens me that you felt the need to highlight this point, Joe.

 

[Carnevil9]

I've spent many happy hours in the arms of another man's wife.......







......my mother.

 

[English Lady]

Colour me stupid and I've obviously missed something major, but I can't see how someone's personal sex life could or should ever be held or used against them, especially here.

It saddens me that you felt the need to highlight this point, Joe.

I'm not Joe, (my boobs are bigger) but I think he meant generally, not just in a sex kinda way.

 

[starrkers]

I'm not Joe, (my boobs are bigger) but I think he meant generally, not just in a sex kinda way.

I think I did too, even though I did specify.

 

[English Lady]

I think I did too, even though I did specify.

*LOL* okay.

I'm easily confused, me.