For the Downtrodden and Erotically Challenged

[Guest]

Dear Gentle Writers and Readers in the Authors' Hangout:

It has come to Diane and my attention that there are people visiting the Hangout experiencing great personal pain and suffering.

Diane, the sensitive and modest young lady that she is, has suggested that she and I collaborate on a thread to help those poor souls writhing in anguish and angst.

And so, we launch:

Diane and Bridget's Discount Advice to the Downtrodden and Erotically Challenged

All questions should be addressed to mathgirl183@yahoo.com. We will give our utmost care and consideration to every question sent.

b

 

[MathGirl]

Today's question

Thank you for that nice introduction, BKeeney. Today's question comes from a reader in Mississippi:

Dear MG and B,
I have recently developed an affliction, and I need your advice. When my pecker is erect, there's a curious eruption on the head. Depending on the lighting or angle of view, it appears to be (a). a detailed representation of The Last Supper, or (b). a profile of Sir Winston Churchill, complete with hat and cigar. My wife refuses to have any contact with it, and this is putting a severe damper on our sex life. She fears (a). despoiling a Holy artifact, or (b). catching something that would make AIDS seem like the sniffles.

Desperately needing your help,
Tumescent in Tupelo

Ps. Photos enclosed
Pps. It itches
________________________________________

Dear TT- From the picture you sent us, it appears that you may be suffering from severe eczema as a result of an allergic reaction. Has you wife changed laundry soaps recently? I would encourage you to go about bared as often as possible and use an aloe cream. Also, start doing your own laundry, using a baby detergent such as Dreft. b
_____________________________________


Dear T in T,

From the photos you enclosed, I would say that your ... affliction appears to be a full-body profile of Elvis, sporting a strange hat and a furious erection. Thank you for including the yardstick in the photo for perspective. My, my, he's a big boy, isn't he? My advice is to trot youself and that strapping johnson of yours over here so I can have a closer look. It may be that some vigorous massage therapy might get to the ...er.. root of your problem. There's no time to lose in a case like this, and this evening would be good for me.

Helpfully yours,
M

 

[sirhugs]

Of course, I have no problems, but thanks for the new thread anyhow.

I haven't laughed so hard at other people's problems since Ann Landers kicked off.

Now, if I could just do something about this twitch.....

 

[Svenskaflicka]

There is hope for the erotically damaged!

My hubby's coming on thursday - the draught is over!

Which means that I'll only be here tonight and tomorrow, and then I'll be gone for one week - but I'll be chirping like a fat bird when I come back!!!

 

[Guest]

bringing hope to the hopeless

Svenska-

I am so happy you will have someone with you to help you recover from your injury... be careful will you? I won't feel sorry for you if you do yourself damage by doing any horizontal dancing.

Sirhugs-

So delighted that the shock therapy helped the twitching somewhat (oops, was I not supposed to tell?).

One and All-

Diane and I are weeping over the trauma that is being experienced. We will bring you another letter tomorrow.

Please know that we truly care, and are eager to consider your conundrums....

mathgirl183@yahoo.com

b

 

[MathGirl]

Emergency!

I must break into this tread for an emergency bit of advice. Since Bridget is unavailable, I'll handle this one solo. Thank you for your understanding. MG

Dear M and B,

Mine is a problem of manners and good taste. My wife has a lover, a man she refers to as, the "Stud Okie." Here in Arkansas, it's legal for a husband to off his wife if he catches her in fragrante delicto with another man. Having made the decision that Martha is going to that big motel room in the sky, I'm faced with a difficult decision. I'm a lifelong NRA member and have every type of firearm known to man. I'm planning to use a Winchester Model 16, twelve gauge shotgun. Full choke, 3" magnum shell with #4 shot. My question to you is: Is this the proper gun for the job, or am I making a terrible mistake? It's sure to make the papers, and I don't want my buddies at the gun club to think that I've committed a faux pas. Please answer soonest. Martha has a date with the SO at the Motel-6 on Thursday. That would be an excellent venue for the big event.

Your biggest fan,
Bubba
_________________________________________

Dear Bubba,

B and I are so glad you wrote. We get letters much like yours every week, and we've chosen yours to answer the questions of all the good ol' boys out there. Firstly, your Mod-16 is a fine weapon, and I'm sure you are a proud owner. It would be a terrible mistake to use it in this situation, though. Remember, Bubba, you're only entitled to shoot your wife. Any collateral damage done to the Stud Okie could carry serious consequences. Under these circumstances, a scattergun is a definite no no. Also, rifles are too bulky for concealment, and they tend to be unwieldy in close quarters like a cheap motel room.

The choice of a pistol should be obvious. Certainly, you could choose a big-bore cannon like a Dirty Harry .44 Magnum, but consider the downside. Think of the hearing impairment you and the SO would surely sustain from firing such a howitzer in an enclosed area. Think also of the possible catastrophic effects (and prison time) of ventilating the elderly couple in the next room. In my opinion, a simple .32 revolver would be the ideal tool. The ammo manufacturers are doing marvelous things lately with that new GutBust-R hollow point bullet.

Let's not forget dressing for the occasion. Since the Motel-6 is very upscale in your area, leave the hat that holds two cans of beer and serpentine drinking straws at home. That goes for the hip boots, too. Fairly clean jeans and an untorn flannel shirt will be appropriately understated and chic.

When you go to the Dew Drop Inn after the hearing, don't be too quick to draw that wallet, Bubba. Remember, etiquette calls for the cuckholder to buy the first round of drinks. Let the SO spring for the first shot of Early Times with a Bud backup.

Best wishes and good hunting,
M

 

[MathGirl]

Problem solving by B and M

A dip in the old mailbag, and we find a letter from a reader in Groin, NY

Dear B and M,

I certainly hope you can help me. I'm thin, have narrow shoulders, and my head is almost as big around as my body. My head is bullet shaped, and I keep it shaved. The problem comes from my wife. I like to wear turtle neck sweaters. Whenever I wear one, though, she says I look like an uncircumcised penis with the foreskin retracted. Is this fair? Please don't use my name in your column. Photo enclosed. Thank you.
_________________________________________

Dear Alfred-

Perhaps your wife is just trying to tell you that she would like some more
intimate time with you and is embarrassed to initiate. The next time you
reach for a turtleneck, leave it in the drawer and put on a collared shirt.
Then, find your wife and make mad passionate love to her.
b
___________________________________

Dear Dickhead,

Ha, ha. Just a little M & B humor there. Seriously Alfred, I don't see why Mrs Jenkins should say a thing like that. You're right, it's totally unfair. It's plain to see from the photo that you have a curious resemblence to a big toe sticking out of a hole in a sock. Other than that, you are quite a handsome man. I think Sophie should feel fortunate having such a fine husband. In the picture, Mrs Jenkins' face looks like the backside of a sow with an intestinal disorder. The next time she casts aspersions on your appearance, I suggest that you administer a brisk knuckle sandwich.

Best Wishes,
M
Ps. Reader anonymity and confidentiality are always guaranteed with M and B.

 

[Octavian]

love the humour

This is marvellous, BK and MG

I look forward to reading more of your unique advice when other people come to you with their problems.

Octavian

 

[MathGirl]

Re: love the humour

This is marvellous, BK and MG I look forward to reading more of your unique advice when other people come to you with their problems.Octavian

Thank you for your kind words, Octavian. We do what we can in the interest of our readers in distress. It's a labor of love

Anyone out there having a problem with their love life can reach us at MathGirl183@yahoo.com.

You can be assured of a caring, confidential answer.

Bridget and MG

 

[Dirt Man]

Hope you can help...

I recently got this letter from a friend of the family, and have forwarded it to you. Any help you can give this poor woman would be greatly appreciated.

As Always
I Am the
Dirt Man

 

[MathGirl]

Another cry for help

Another letter from the deep South. This one's from a lady in Prostate, Georgia.

Dear M and B,

I'm a longtime reader and fan of yours, and I need your help very badly. My husband and I are both in our late seventies and have been married for over fifty years. The only way the old coot can get it up anymore is if we have anal intercourse. Well, I've learned to put up with it, because it's better than nothing at all. The problem is my husband. Every time we do it, he screams, " Pucker that brown eye, Honey, it's time for another trip up the old dirt road!" Or, "It's coal chute time for this old rump ranger!" As if this wasn't bad enough, he introduces me to people as, "My Hershey Girl." As you might imagine, this is quite embarrassing for me, and it's causing talk at my bridge club. Please help. Is there something I can do to stop this, or must I close the old back door permanently?

Sore in the South
_________________________________________
Dear S,

Marital intimacy is about honoring both partners. I encourage you to
tell your husband firmly that this will not do any more. Let him know how
embarrassing this is for you and explain that while you love to please
him, you cannot and will not be publicly embarrassed.

I would also encourage him to seek medical assistance. Viagra may be
all you need.

b
________________________________________

Dear S in the S,

I'm totally on your side in this one, dear. As the more assertive member of the B and M team, I suggest a more agressive approach. After he gets the Viagra, inform the old goat firmly that it's the bearded clam or nothing. The next time he makes embarrassing remarks in public, hide that septagenerian sonofabitch's dentures until he promises to reform. Should those measures prove ineffective, B and M has an auxillary branch. Namely Big Tyrone and Vito the Viper. They can take stern measures at an attractive price.

Best wishes, and give him hell,
MG

 

[Guest]

Re: Hope you can help...

I recently got this letter from a friend of the family, and have forwarded it to you. Any help you can give this poor woman would be greatly appreciated.

As Always
I Am the
Dirt Man

DM-

Your generosity of spirit in seeking help for your friend is admirable!

We are on the case now!

b

 

[Octavian]

Dear M & B

I too have a problem. It is my husband; he is sex mad. Even though we have been married for thirty-five years he just won’t leave me alone.

I know some of you women will be wondering why I am complaining but believe me it can be very tiresome. It has got to the stage where I dare not bend over.
The other day for example I was bending over getting something out of the freezer cabinet. I couldn’t quite see what I was looking for and I had both hands in the cabinet moving things around. Well, you can guess what happened next. My husband saw my predicament and he pulled my knickers down in an instant. The next thing I knew he had slid it straight in and was screwing me while I was still searching for a chicken lasagne.

As you might imagine I was very angry with him, but that is not the worst of it. We have both been banned from the supermarket, too.

Eileen Dover

 

[MathGirl]

Oh, the pain .........

And here's another plea for help from the Deep South. Those good ol' boys and girls really seem to need our advice.

Dear B and M,

I'm happily married to a wonderful husband and father, but I can't help but be concerned about a few things in our sex life. (a). Before we go to bed, my husband trims his toenails by biting them. Then he initiates foreplay with deep kissing. (b). He is a huge fan of the U of Alabama football team. During sex, he makes porcine grunts and snorts, and when he climaxes he shrieks, "GO HAWGS!" (c). After lovemaking, he gets out of bed, continues making his piggy noises, and wipes his penis on my curtains. I love my husband dearly, but I'm wondering if these things are normal. Should I seek professional help?

Troubled in Tuscaloosa
______________________________________

Dear T in T:

The best defense is a good offense. I would encourage you to make
giving him a pedicure part of your regular routine. Keep those nails short,
and he won't have anything to chew on.

Regarding the football references: Dear, this problem is much more
widespread than anyone wants to admit. First, be encouraged that he is
confused and is not imitating the real Crimson Tide mascot, an
elephant.

Second, realize that he is connecting your intimate times with
something dear to his heart. See it as an affirmation of his love for you.

Finally,
change your curtains for plantation shutters. After the first
splinter, he will change his ways.

b
____________________________________

Dear T,
Firstly, let me say that my colleague's comments about the plantation shutters is truly inspired. They should, of course, be left unsanded.

Also, I couldn't agree more with her suggestion about the toenail problem.

I do feel that I can address the question of hubby's somewhat unromantic vocalization during lovemaking. If you can introduce just a touch of B & D into your relationship, you could ease into this naturally. If not, simply lay down the law: "Okay, Weenie Boy, no ball gag, no pussy." I think that if you're resolute in your approach, he will cooperate. By the way, B & M's online shop is a handy place to shop for quality ... accessories at reasonable prices.

We're both with you on, this, T.
MG

Confidential to Mrs Dover. Your problem will have our undivided attention soonest. You're right, something must be done.

 

[MathGirl]

Little patience

Dear M & B

I too have a problem. It is my husband; he is sex mad. Even though we have been married for thirty-five years he just won’t leave me alone.

I know some of you women will be wondering why I am complaining but believe me it can be very tiresome. It has got to the stage where I dare not bend over.
The other day for example I was bending over getting something out of the freezer cabinet. I couldn’t quite see what I was looking for and I had both hands in the cabinet moving things around. Well, you can guess what happened next. My husband saw my predicament and he pulled my knickers down in an instant. The next thing I knew he had slid it straight in and was screwing me while I was still searching for a chicken lasagne.

As you might imagine I was very angry with him, but that is not the worst of it. We have both been banned from the supermarket, too.

Eileen Dover

Dear Mrs. Dover:
Your husband's name is Ben, right? Well, Tootsie, I'm afraid all I can say is, "Tough tacos." Anyone who marries a man with a name like that deserves what she gets.

I will give one helpful hint, though. If you can find a market that caters to Greeks and other southern Europeans, you'll find that they are more understanding about that sort of thing.

MG

Note to all: Pleas for help MUST be addressed to MathGirl183@yahoo.com

 

[Guest]

Eileen

Dear E-

While Diane has some unique insights for you, I feel compelled to respond, also.

Rejoice in your husbands continued desires for you. Yes, it is tiresome not to be able to go to your local grocery, but know that you are the envy of all the women in your community now.

On a practical note, perhaps you ought to watch his diet and keep the oysters and ginseng to a minimum. Also, telling him firmly that he will have to stay home if he can't behave himself while out is necessary. Finally, rewarding him with more intimate times when he has behaved well is critical!

b

 

[pop_54]

Lo

Dear Diane or Bridget:

I hope you can help me with a personal problem or two.


The biggest problem of all is my recent accident with a hedge trimmer, do you know a good micro-surgeon. You see the trimmer slipped and cut a huge lump of my winkle off; I still have the end piece in a packet of frozen peas for safekeeping
I must get it stitched back on though; I mean the loss of this substantial portion of my manhood has only left me with a 10” stump.

Yours Sincerely:

Rupert Braithwaite-Fertang-Smythe.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Why does EVERYTHING remind me of a joke?

I must get it stitched back on though; I mean the loss of this substantial portion of my manhood has only left me with a 10” stump.

A beautiful woman comes into a restaurant, and sits down at a table. There's a man at the bar, checking her out, and when they get eye-contact, he sends the waiter over to her table with a bottle of expensive champagne.
The woman looks at him, and then sends the waiter back to the man with a little note, reading:

In order for me to accept this, you must have $1.000.000 in the bank, a porsche in the driveway, and 9" in your pants.

She then waits eagerly as the man writes a note back, and sends the waiter over to her table to deliver it. She unfolds the note and reads:

FYI, I have $10.000.000 in my bank account in Zürich, and I have a porsche standing in between a jaguar and a lamborghini in my driveway. But not even for a beautiful woman like yourself would I cut off 3"!. Send the bottle back!

 

[pop_54]

Hehehehe

Nice one Svenska, hehe...........

pops..........

 

[MathGirl]

#@$%^^%$&(*&)

Just what we need! Now we have a renegade Swedette poaching on our turf. #$%^)(*&

 

[Guest]

The world can always use some more laughter!

Svenska,

Thank you for bringing some laughter to a thread that is so filled with the trauma of the human condition. Humor is sometimes the only way we can maintain our sanity in this absurdly hard world.

b

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Re: #@$%^^%$&(*&)

Just what we need! Now we have a renegade Swedette poaching on our turf. #$%^)(*&

Poach, poach...

 

[pop_54]

Yo

Dear Bridget or Diane:

Just another little problem you might be able to help me with.

My wife neither understands or appreciates me these days, she’s always insulting me and making unreasonable demands.
Only last night as we were sitting watching a film on telly she took on a strange look, winked at me and said, “Come upstairs and fuck me stupid”. I hate it when she calls me stupid like that.


Your Sincerely:

Tarquin WalrusTitty.

 

[The_Fool]

Oh shit.....I finally stopped laughing. I wonder if Troubled in Tuscaloosa is married to someone who once said, "Squeal like a pig..."

 

[MathGirl]

Re: Re: #@$%^^%$&(*&)

Poach, poach...

Poach DIS, Swede!