For parents

[Loverskitten]

Share your parenting stories, etc.

I had to order a cell battery from amazon, and to get free shipping I decided to get some toys and attachments from the "health and beauty" section. Well the battery came first, and then today my teenage son brings me the package adding, "you got a package, what is it?" I reply, "nothing" and he retorts "open it, what'd ya get?"
Finally I distracted him and shoved it in a corner... :/


Also this creepy lol for parents

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/the-creepiest-things-a-child-has-ever-said-to-a-parent

 

[NikiCole]

On the way to the ER, I broke my foot mind you so I wasn't driving, I was in pain and when you are in pain, stupid things pop out of your mouth, I looked down at my now swollen ankle and foot and said " geez, I need to shave."
Well my daughter (she was just 11 at the time) who was in the back seat pops out with "How do you shave the hair on your vagina?"

My sister who was driving, turns red in the face, swerves to the shoulder, and shouts "you don't!"

Daughter counters with "It gets long enough to braid? cool."

Needless to say I needed more then an xray by the time I got to the ER.

Conversations with Child: Daughter-1 Parent-too dumbfounded to count

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Also this creepy lol for parents

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/the-creepiest-things-a-child-has-ever-said-to-a-parent

The first comment as I finished reading it: "This should be sponsored by Trojan," I almost fell out of my chair.

ETA: Succeeding comments are ... some hilarious, some creepy, and some just stupid... but still fun to read.

 

[CutieMouse]

The Boy [18] and I were talking one night, and one conversation led to another, which led to a tangent, which led to topics # 3, 4, 5, etc (very commonplace with him). The whole time I'm going "Mhmm... uhuh... well, blahblahblah..." until the rabbit hole just got too damn deep, and I said -

"Can you pause for like 2 seconds? (Sure.) You do realize you're discussing your porn habits with your mom, right? (Fuck. Awkward!) Indeed... Sexuality is complicated, and you're an adult so I have no opinion one way or the other how you express yourself; however, I will reserve the right to totally bust you if an amusing enough opportunity arises..." (Thanks for not getting all freaked out or anything, Mom. Fuck. Awkward!)

[I feel awful for finding that whole exchange so damn amusing...]

 

[LallyH]

One evening, older child was out and younger child was listening to music on headphones downstairs. So time for a little play, right?

So he was spanking my ass when we noticed the door slowly start to open. He pushed me quickly off his knee so I could hide behind the bed, and he started clapping his hands together loudly. 'Well done, Mum. Look, I'm giving mum a very long round of applause.....'

 

[LittleSparks]

That's hysterical! Gosh, the two of you must have gotten a little heart attack there.

 

[LallyH]

That's hysterical! Gosh, the two of you must have gotten a little heart attack there.

Luckily I was still at the silent stubborn endurance bit.....if we'd reached the OW OW OW OW part, don't know how we'd have covered that!

 

[knot_sweet]

Things said out loud / done in public by my then three year old


Standing behind a very large woman in a supermarket checkout line: "Mum, that lady has a really big bum", which he the proceeded to headbutt whilst saying "Headbutt" and giggling like an idiot. For some reason he went through a stage where he thought headbutting people in the ass was funny.

Checking into a hotel, a man in a motorised wheel chair went past and my son says "Why is that man allowed to drive inside?"

An extremely elderly lady who'd obviously had some kind of surgery tottered past, my son yells "Zombie, shoot it", then pretended he had a gun and made "pew pew" noises (his father, unbeknownst to me, had been playing video games with him while I had been away for a few weeks for work).

Going home on the bus one afternoon I asked my son what he did at kindy that day. He asks "Why do girls have their doodle chopped off?"

Please bear in my mind my son only had one volume, and that was very loud. Everything he said could be heard from at least 20 meters.

Thankfully, most people just gave me shocked looks and no-one got angry at the clearly embarrassed parent.

 

[NikiCole]

Awesome knot, kids can say the darnedest things.

 

[Scentofawoman]

My six year old son has been saying "hey sexy lady! Wup whip it gangsta style". I have no idea where that version came from, I chuckle a bit when he says it. Well he wants to know what sexy means. I told him its an adult word for pretty. I should have said adults say it only because last night he told my friend infront of kids dance class that she was a very sexy lady and his mom is the sexiest lady.

To top it off last night my son taught my friends 5 year old daughter what a "penis" is and proceeded to show her.


I came home and had a shot.

 

[VladHarkonnen]

My nine year old son asked me about sex the other day. I was prepared for this and I thought I did a relatively good birds/bees lecture. But he asked me something that, in retrospect, I probably should have been prepared for. My best friend is gay and has a partner so my kids see them a lot. After I was done with my sex 101 speech (and damn pleased with myself about how well I pulled it off) He hits me with...

Kid: What about John and Rick?"

Me: Wha? Well...um... *sigh* (suddenly I'm very uncomfortable)

Kid: They don't have vaginas so what do they do?

Me: Dude, quit badgering me, gimmie a sec.

Kid: Ok Papa...

long silence

Kid: So what do they do?

Me: Well...they do a lot of the same things that men and women do together. And you're right, they don't have vaginas...very astute.

Kid: So...what do they do with their penises?

Me: Yeeaaah....like I said...they do a lot of the things that men and women do. Y'know...the things we already talked about.

Kid: But...where do they....oh...it goes in their butt, right?

Me: *sigh of relief that I didn't have to explain that* Yes! Sometimes, sure...but not all the time. I mean, I don't know what John and Rick do specifically. People don't usually talk to each other about what they do with their partners. But not all homosexual men do that.

Kid: *looks somewhat satisfied with it then lights up with another question* What about two women?

Me: Ask your mother. (I'd reached my limit)

Kid: *looks disappointed* Okay. So what does "astute" mean? Does that mean I have a big penis?

Me: What?!

Kid: Hahahaha!

Me: No...dweeb.

Kid: Bahahaha!

And it was, thankfully, over.

I feel kinda bad about the fact that I could so easily explain hetero sex to my son but was totally thrown when it came to homosexual sex but I just wasn't prepared at all. Anyway, I don't think he ever asked his mother about lesbians so I guess his curiosity was relatively mild.

 

[midwestyankee]

It's Parent Visitation Day at Sunday school when Oldest was in the third grade. We're treated to a high level discussion of some Bible verse or other and how it relates to turning the other cheek. Each child, in turn, is read a scenario that could call for doing the good Christian thing. When it's oldest's turn, the scenario has a bully stealing part of your best friend's lunch in the school cafeteria. When asked what he would do, Oldest says in bright clear tones, "I'd kick him in the weiner."

Embarrassment mixed with some reasonably well hidden satisfaction at his independent thinking ensued.

 

[Primalex]

My 4yr old niece recently started nail biting.

So, when female guests brought up the topic of manicure coincidentally, her dad tried it with humiliation and said to the female guests:"You know - I've heard there are children, who bite their nails and run around with ugly fingernails! Can you believe this?"

Unfortunately for him, my niece must have some of my genes, because instead of the expected result of her turning shy, she suddenly sat straight and proclaimed:"Yes and guess what! Your daughter does this, too!"

Best moment ever.

 

[graceanne]

We had a dinner thing to do at K's school. I went to check on the kids, and my son was hiding under a table. I asked him why, and he peaked out and said "Because I'm a shy dragon."

 

[VladHarkonnen]

"I'd kick him in the weiner."

Sounds like a completely appropriate response to me...

We had a dinner thing to do at K's school. I went to check on the kids, and my son was hiding under a table. I asked him why, and he peaked out and said "Because I'm a shy dragon."

I can relate. I often wish I could hide under tables at school social functions.

 

[Loverskitten]

We had a dinner thing to do at K's school. I went to check on the kids, and my son was hiding under a table. I asked him why, and he peaked out and said "Because I'm a shy dragon."

So cute.

 

[graceanne]

Sounds like a completely appropriate response to me...

I can relate. I often wish I could hide under tables at school social functions.

Well, it's why we checked on him. He's easily over stimulated and they hired a clown, and their were about fifteen kids ....

As it was I went back and told my husband and he said .... "Huh. I'll go check on him." Because, hiding under a table is sometimes him just being cute and sometimes a warning sign of a meltdown.

So cute.

I thought so. Thank you. His imagination is just so amazing.

 

[graceanne]

As background I have a HUGE family. I have over thirty first cousins, over 100 second cousins, and something like 20 aunts and uncles.

My daughter: When I grow up, I'm moving to alaska.

Me: And what? Hang out with your cousin, A.V.?

My daughter: I've got family there, TOO? Geez. Fine, I'll move to Hawaii.

Me to K: Doesn't your cousin A.F. and her husband live on base, there?

K: *nods and grins*

A: You have got to be kidding me.

 

[graceanne]

 

[Loverskitten]

Hahaha
http://gawker.com/two-grown-men-ree..._source=gawker_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

 

[graceanne]

A's best friend: A gave me a wet willy! IN MY NOSE!

A: She started it! She gave me a wet willy and I was trying to get back at her, but she wouldn't hold still so I put my finger in her mouth and then in her hose.

Me: Ew. I hope you didn't put your finger in your mouth afterward.

A: No, that'd be gross.

 

[Ahlam]

Sometimes I travel for work, and my son (4 years-old) resents this tremendously. Recently I had to go to DC. My family saw me to the airport and we said our farewells. I went inside the terminal to the ticket counter to check in, and I discovered that the entire contents of my purse had been replaced with pine cones and an illustration of an airplane in flames.

 

[Loverskitten]

Sometimes I travel for work, and my son (4 years-old) resents this tremendously. Recently I had to go to DC. My family saw me to the airport and we said our farewells. I went inside the terminal to the ticket counter to check in, and I discovered that the entire contents of my purse had been replaced with pine cones and an illustration of an airplane in flames.

OMG lol!

 

[graceanne]

Sometimes I travel for work, and my son (4 years-old) resents this tremendously. Recently I had to go to DC. My family saw me to the airport and we said our farewells. I went inside the terminal to the ticket counter to check in, and I discovered that the entire contents of my purse had been replaced with pine cones and an illustration of an airplane in flames.

Wow. LOL

 

[midwestyankee]

Sometimes I travel for work, and my son (4 years-old) resents this tremendously. Recently I had to go to DC. My family saw me to the airport and we said our farewells. I went inside the terminal to the ticket counter to check in, and I discovered that the entire contents of my purse had been replaced with pine cones and an illustration of an airplane in flames.

Yikes. Several years ago I was doing a lot of travelling - to the point that I'd gotten sucked into that culture of wanting to hit the 100K figure for all the associated perks. During that time, I found out later, our oldest kept a list in his desk of all the days that I was away from home. I was crushed when I found this out.