For One Night Only feedback please

[Mackilt]

Author : Mackilt
Title : For One Night Only
Index : Erotic Couplings
Link : http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=57729

Hi Folks

Well its my fist submission and feedback is gratefully recieved.
The story was inspired by a night out I had, unfortunatley it didn't end this way but I would like to think it might have

Thanks
Mac

 

[Mackilt]

That Good?

Surely the story isn't that good that no-one needs to comment on it?

 

[Wyatt]

well I enjoyed it but I don't normally look in that section of Lit.Nothing there to stop you continuing although it was rather short.Basically I'm replying because every post deserves a reply but someone better qualified than me PLEASE give this man some well informed feedback!!

 

[deliciously_naughty]

Ok...feedback...

Your opening is a little rough...a lot of sentences that could be combined, a lot of extraneous senteneces. You're trying to set up your scene, but it's a little rough. Maybe you want to do something like "He noticed her across the smoky club and felt his cock stir. She met his gaze and licked her lips provactively. " In this scenario, giving them names might help too....or at least give one of them a name...all the "he's and she's" were distracting.

There were a few spelling mistakes....her gstring was "taught" you mean "taut." Just a few things that would slip through a spell check. It's not a big thing, but just something we all need to look out for.

The end was also a little rough/abrupt. What had you wanted to do? You mentioned it didn't end quite how you had wanted.

Just some quick feedback. Pm me if you want to discuss it more in depth.

 

[Mackilt]

Feedback

Sorry I havn't PM'd you yet deliciously but I havn't realy been on long enough so we can have a decent chat about the story, hope to catch up with you soon