For Complete Idiots...

[crysede]

THE BOTTOM FIVE UNNECESSARY GUIDE BOOKS FOR COMPLETE IDIOTS
by Courny Turczyn

Trade paperbacks purporting to explain the mysteries of the universe to utter dolts have been a publishing phenomenon for the past decade. Hungry Minds' For Dummies series dominates the category with 1,231 books available at amazon.com, while Alpha Books' The Complete Idiot's Guide To series numbers 650.

While you might expect this wealth of knowledge to have sparked a new age of enlightenment, idiots seems just as idiotic as before while dummies are still dumb. We can't blame the publishers; they did their part. But we can criticize the editors at Alpha Books for their choices in subjects.

While Hungry Minds' titles are usually rather dry (Windows XP For Dummies, Personal Finance For Dummies, etc.), Alpha Books seems to have staked out the stuff-even-idiots-should-already-know niche, or the there's-no-way-in-hell-you'll-master-this-by-just-reading-a-book market.

The runners up to the bottom five are:

 

[crysede]

Number 5:

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Simple Living

The advice in this Idiot's Guide can be reduced to a short (simple) list: reduce your debt, stop buying crap you don't need, find a job you like. Oh, and start living simply

 

[glamorilla]

those should do well here.

 

[crysede]

Number 4:

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being Psychic

Co-authored by Lynn A. Robinson, M.Ed, an "intuitive consultant," this Idiot's Guide purports to help you unleash your hidden powers with "quick and easy ways to get in touch with your psychic side." Once you've touched that particular side, you'll realize that "your intuition is sending you information all the time - you just need to start noticing it." [No! Really? My intuition is telling me stuff?! lol]

If your intuition is telling you that this book is taking advantage of idiots, then you may be psychic!

 

[crysede]

those should do well here.

 

[crysede]

Number 3:

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Scrapbooking

"Scrapbooking" - the art of putting photos and other assorted memorabilia into scrapbooks - is apparently a national trend. Or at least this is what a small industry of scrapbooking authorities is telling us.

While I fully support, and even encourage, the creative organization of one's photos into scrapbooks, I must ask: Do we really need 400 pages of instructions to tell us how to glue photos down?

 

[crysede]

Number 2:

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being Sexy

Sari Locker, a former "Relationship Correspondent on CBS-TV," instructs readers on the ways of sexiness with tips on how to: "Dress in many different sexy fashions," "Use body language to move in the sexiest ways," and "Seduce anyone, anytime, anywhere, well into your golden years."

If all of this seems to contradict Locker's various self-empowerment slogans - "Being sexy is all about being yourself," "The best bodies are those that have confident people in them," "You have to love what you have, rather than trying to conform to some silly ideal." - then chalk it up to the same hypocritical narcissism found in most women's magazines. On one hand, their blurbs often stress how everyone should feel good about who they really are and what they really look like. On the other hand, here are 300 pages of make-up, hair, and fashion tips to make yourself look better to others.

So love yourself; just change who you are first. Now that's sexy!

 

[crysede]

And the Number 1 Idiotic Guide for Complete Idiots is...

*drumroll*

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem

Truly, the title says it all!

 

[Killswitch]

Or what about the Chicken Soup books......

I think I even have the Original "Dummies" book about CB Radios.....then it took off from there.

I thinka great book would be....

" Chicken Soup for the Troll"

 

[Killswitch]

Or....Starfish could use the book....

Chicken Soup for men who marry men, dress like women, and cheat.

*ducks*

 

[The Heretic]

I know! I am going to write a book titled "The Complete Idiot's Guide to The Complete Idiot's Guide books"!

I actually own one Complete Idiots Guide book; "The Complete Idiot's Guide to OLE" and I did read it.

At one time I owned one of the more original of this type of books; "How to Keep Your Volkswagen Alive: A Manual of Step-by-Step Procedures for the Compleat Idiot" by John Muir. The illustrations were priceless, including as I remember, a guy sitting on top of his bug in the Lotus position meditating (supposedly on how to fix it).

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Do the idiots whose brains should be catapulted into a new age of enlightenment by these books even know what "Assertiveness" means? Or "Amazing Sex", for that matter...

I'm eagerly waiting for the upcoming assured-to-be-automatic-best-sellers "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Balancing Beer Bottles on Your Nose" and "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Run For Presidency"

 

[perks]

I used the The Idiots guide to Getting Married...

and boy were they right.

 

[Killswitch]

Or how about..."The Complete Idiots Guide to Thinking Outside the Box; for those who havn't had an original thought in ten years."

 

[Mona Lisa]

"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex"?!?!?!?!?

Maybe it's just me, but I'm thinking that the LAST thing we should be doing is giving complete idiots instructions for activities that could result in the production of more complete idiots.

 

[The Heretic]

Some more suggested titles

The Complete Idiots Guide to being a Brain Surgeon
The Complete Idiots Guide to being a Rocket Scientist
The Complete Idiots Guide to being an Opera Singer (special edition for tone deaf people).
The Complete Idiots Guide to running your own country. Oh wait, we already have a bunch of idiots doing that.
The Complete Idiots Guide to piloting a crude oil tanker (by Captain Joseph Hazelwood).

 

[Gilly Bean]

Wow. That's all, just wow.

 

[teddybear4play]

I'm still waiting for Masturbation For Dummies. I'll rub my penis all over the book and wonder why it's not working.

TB4p

 

[crysede]

At one time I owned one of the more original of this type of books; "How to Keep Your Volkswagen Alive: A Manual of Step-by-Step Procedures for the Compleat Idiot" by John Muir. The illustrations were priceless, including as I remember, a guy sitting on top of his bug in the Lotus position meditating (supposedly on how to fix it).

LOL

Well...they do say that you can cure disease through meditation; perhaps you can unclog your carburetors while cleansing your chakras

I can just picture me, in full hippie regalia, heading for my local garage: "Dudes, my car's radiating some major negative vibes! Like, I've mediated in lotus position on the hood 'till my butt's gone numb, and it still wont start...I don't know man, maybe I should add more incense to the gas?"

I'm eagerly waiting for the upcoming assured-to-be-automatic-best-sellers "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Balancing Beer Bottles on Your Nose" and "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Run For Presidency"

Lo byatch

I think that presidency one's been published

Maybe it's just me, but I'm thinking that the LAST thing we should be doing is giving complete idiots instructions for activities that could result in the production of more complete idiots.

Yes, but think of what a great market there'll be for guide books once the world is entirely populated by complete idiots!

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Lo byatch

I think that presidency one's been published

Lo, byatch

Quite right. My bad.

 

[crysede]

You're bad? Hmm, perhaps we need to get Orlanth to administer some corrective discipline

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Perhaps. Will you be watching? I'll need someone to lick my wounds...