Foot Story Review Request

[Kavanaugh]

Hello,
I'm a new user, and posted this in Author Hangout, and I have moved it here. I ask that you please read my story and offer your feedback. I'm planning that this story is the first of a series.
Thanks!

kavanaugh

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=112832

 

[Guest]

That link does not work.

Try this one: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=112832

 

[Guest]

Ok, now on to feedback.

Watch out for repetition. You used the word *usually* three times in two adjacent sentences.

I'm a little confused by this section: "I'm coming, Joe, oh, god," she gasped, and stopped her movements. Breathing fast and trembling, and pulled her wet hand away from her wet pussy.

Did she cum or not? It's not very clear since she said she was cumming but then stopped moving. Also, that last sentence isn't a sentence, it's a fragment.

Fourth paragraph from the end has the repetition problem again. You used the word "cock" four times within a fairly short paragraph.

The main problem I see with the story is that there is alot of telling. Not alot of showing, at least not that I could see. I really couldn't put myself within the story.

Overall, it's a good story based on a good idea. It just needs some tweaking.

 

[Kavanaugh]

Hello Crimson,
Thanks for your comments. I know I have a tendency to repeat words and then not catch them all later, but I'm happy that you read it and commented on it. I thought I was showing more and telling less, but I can work on that aspect on my next one.

Thanks again,

Kavanaugh

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I've got to smile. I mean, I'm not into feet, but it's obvious that you are, and you just get so into feet in this story that it made me smile. It's certainly the feet-iest story I've ever seen, and I think it's going to make some foot fetishists very happy.

As far as the non-feet part of the story, I think you handled it well. I'd echo Crimson's warnings about word repetition, but that's not that hard to fix.

Is that all you do is feet?

---dr.M.

 

[Kavanaugh]

Dr Mabeuse,
This is an honor. I've read so many threads that have your intelligent and thought-out commentary, that I hoped that I might one day meet you on a thread, and you have picked mine.

Yes, I'm into feet, but I will be writing other topics as well. For my first story at lit, I wanted to write one that contained nearly everything that I personally would want to read in a foot story. I've read several on Lit, and as nice as they are, they don't focus on the feet as well as I would like to see them. So, I wrote one that would appeal to me. I liked the way it turned out, but I missed the word repetition and fragments. The other thing I didn't like was that I switched points of view. This story started out from her POV, but in the end, switched to HIS POV. That was a mistake, but it reads well.

Upcoming stories will range from more foot stories, to light bdsm, to swingers, to orgies and more. Over the course of my literotica writing career, I'll cover a broad range of topics.

Thanks again for the comments!

kavanaugh