Flame (a poem for you to rip apart)

[Enodia]

Flame
(c) Enodia

the flame doesn't burn her.
she craves the warmth,
the caress of the tongues
of lapping fire.

he touches her heated body,
feeling the passion
of her fiery soul
and his fingers stick.

he blackens under the flame
shooting from her core,
and licking his body
with its disintegrating heat.

he returns to her fire
like a delicate moth.
he cannot resist her
blaze of heated passion.

the flame doesn't burn her.
she craves the warmth,
the caress of the tongues
of lapping fire.

but he burns and perishes
in her lust.

---------------------------

I'd like as much feedback as possible. I'm always trying to improve my writing...especially poetry.

 

[WickedEve]

Permission to rip apart? I'm practically salivating.

The first thing that I noticed was all the clichés.

Clichés:
Flame
Burn
Fire
Passion
Fiery
Soul
Lust
and more...

Yes, these words can be used satisfactorily in a poem, but I wouldn't cram them all into one piece.
With or without the aforementioned words, the poem itself is cliché. It's not really giving us much. It's one of thousands of similar poems on lit. Nothing original. Show me the passion with examples. Don't just tell me there's lust. Think about a truly erotic moment in your life, then sit down and write about it! Then take a look at what you have and try to shape it into a poem that will appeal to your readers.
Anyone have a good example of an erotic poem that you can share with Enodia?

 

[Enodia]

yup, it's cliche!

I wrote it when I was 15 (???) I think. Had it kicking around, and kind of like the feel of it....but not so much the words.

Although, it IS a good Fire Elemental reading, I suppose.

Yeah...any examples?????

 

[Enodia]

hmmmm....first verse reworked:

the flame doesn't burn her.
she craves the warmth,
the caress of the tongues
of lapping fire.

his touch doesn't burn her
it's comforting and warm
the caress of his tongue
is what heats her blood.

---------------
hmmmm..not even sure I like this...any suggestions?

 

[darkmaas]

Eve said:

The first thing that I noticed was all the clichés.

I disagree. The central metaphor is interesting.

...
he blackens under the flame
shooting from her core,
and licking his body
with its disintegrating heat.

he returns to her fire
like a delicate moth.
...

It's an immense improvement on the usual love/heat/lust that graces these boards. To explore the metaphor one needs a lot of flame/heat... synonyms. That's not really cliché imho.

Keep up the poems, Enodia.

darkmaas

 

[Enodia]

Thanks darkmaas! I'll keep that poem, but I WOULD like to explore the idea more, simply because I wrote it when I was 15, and yeah--I feel it IS a tad cliche.

I'll post some more poems here as well.

 

[WickedEve]

Eve said:

I disagree. The central metaphor is interesting.

It's an immense improvement on the usual love/heat/lust that graces these boards. To explore the metaphor one needs a lot of flame/heat... synonyms. That's not really cliché imho.

Keep up the poems, Enodia.

darkmaas

Well, that's interestingly hot, sizzling way to look at it, darkly shadow.

 

[champagne1982]

archived elsewhere

 

[darkmaas]

Eve said:

Well, that's interestingly hot, sizzling way to look at it, darkly shadow.

Hey, if you can't stand the thermodynamics, get outa the frying pan. Or something like that...

darkmaas