Five Guys and I

[grad_school_girl]

This is the first occassion I have been published in such a...ehh...format. ;o) What do you think of my story, entitled "Five Guys and I" filed under group sex? I tried to give a pretty accurate representation of what happened on that great night--which I still get off on (evinced by me writing a narrative about it!), and I'm just curious how it fares in comparison to other gang bang stories.

 

[PAUL C]

link

here is a link to your story. it's not bad for a first attempt.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=182519

 

[LittleBano]

I thought it was very well written and a very good story. Hope that you continue writing them...

 

[HornyHenry]

Nice story

Several misspelled words, but still a good story overall.
Next time, please let it sit for a day or two, then come back and edit it, or have a friend or editor read it first.
Keep writing!

 

[Erlikkhan]

How can you not like a story (if you are a guy) about a girl who loves multiple cocks, loves facials, loves it up the ass, etc, etc, etc. All that being said here are my comments.

1. Real life stories seldom are as exciting for the readers as they are for the person who had the experience. I am sure you added a little spice, but always keep the reader in mind.
2. Starting with a short fuck scene to get the juices flowing and then flashing back is okay but I think it was a little too jumpy overall.
3. A little too mechanical on the fucking and cumming. It needs to be personal. Readers need to know she really loves it.
4. Name sucks. Should have been called "Pentathalon" or something like that.

Overall good first effort, and it made my cock hard. Keep writing.

 

[grad_school_girl]

To Erlikkhan

I'm surprised that u found it too mechanical--i.e., too concentrated on "the fucking and cumming." That's pretty much what an orgy TRULY is--there is very little 'passion'. Rather, for a participant in a gang bang with one's bf, a couple of guys one kind of knows and basically two complete strangers, I can attest there is a distinct lack of passion. That is, it's wonderful, it's FANTASTIC, but it's basically cold, clinical eroticism (stimulation, orgasm and repeat!). ;o) I feel more passion if I'm with, for example, two guys, where the experience is far more personal and intimate!

Also, I was hoping you could elaborate on this: "always keep the reader in mind." What could I have changed to de-personalise it? I mean, the story was basically non-fictive, but how could I have changed it? Make it less believable/more porno like? (don't have condoms being used?) Fewer personal monologues/asides? I'm just curious! Thanks!

Regardless, I really appreciate your feedback. If i choose to write about any of my other adventures, I'll keep it in mind. (Also, thanks everyone else for the other feedback--i'll keep the comments, particularly those relating to the several misspellings, in mind. I think the grammar, syntax, word choice and style are rather solid, but upon reading the story again, I caught several mistakes words that MS word changed incorrectly via spellcheck!)

 

[Erlikkhan]

I'm not a critic so take what I say with a grain of salt. Porn stories are like wine. If you like it then it is a good wine, ragardless of what wine snobs might think. As I said, I found it exciting and it definitely had the rocket at attention.

I write porn stories because I enjoy writing them, but I do appreciate others who read them and appreciate them as well. If writing it turned you on and made my cock hard then mission accomlished in my book!

My comment on keeping the reader in mind and being mechanical are related. I think you have to work up to a gang bang in a story, losing more and more control as you go along. Again, that may not parallel what really happened which goes to my comment about the difficulty of real life experience. Obviously you loved it and couldn't get enough.

This is a long answer to a simple question, and as I said, I am not a porn story critic. I was just sharing how I approach a story.

Below is an excerpt from a gangbang story I wrote. It was Dear John letter to a high school boyfriend from a girl that had just gone off to college. I'm not saying it is good, but she works up to the gang bang, rather than jump into it all at once.

I did feel sorry for him and decided it would be all right to finish him with my mouth after everything else we had done. I mean it’s not like a blow job is such a big deal or anything. Besides, I had done it to other guys I went out with that time we stopped dating our junior year. I guess I never told you about that. Anyway, Steve's big, meaty shaft looked really tasty as it stood fully erect and throbbing with need. It must have been ten inches long. I could barely get my hand around it.

Kneeling on the side of the bed, I leaned over and guided him into my mouth. My lips stretched around him. I finally managed to get four or five inches in my mouth. Sucking him was getting me really hot - you remember how crazy I would get when you would do me in the mouth - and I couldn't help but reach between my legs and rub myself. Then I felt another sensation and realized someone had removed my panties and was licking me gently with their tongue. I wanted to protest, but Steve had his hand on the back of my neck shoving his thing deeper in my mouth. Besides, it felt soooo good. Whoever was behind me really knew what they were doing. You know how much I loved it when you used to lick me there.

I knew Steve was getting close. I could feel him grow bigger. I was working really hard on making him cum and didn't even notice at first that something hard had replaced the tongue at the entrance to my womanhood. Suddenly I felt it shoved deep inside me. I let out a muffled grunt which caused me to gag. The vibrations in my throat sent Steve over the edge. I felt a his hot semen fill my mouth. I tried to swallow but choked because he was so big. I pulled him from my mouth to get some air and got my face drenched with his sticky stuff. I finally got him back in my mouth and had to swallow quite a bit more before he was finally done.

The guy behind me was hammering me good and I could feel another orgasm churning in my stomach. I couldn't look to see who it was because Steve's stuff covered my eyes. I could also feel it drooling off my nose and chin. I reached between my legs to touch my sensitive spot. Suddenly my head started spinning as another orgasm jolted through my body. I was totally out of control, screaming like a banshee, as I experienced one orgasm after another. It felt like a jackhammer was pounding into me. I couldn't escape from the almost painful spasms of pleasure from each thrust. Finally, I heard a deep grunt and felt several powerful squirts of warm semen fill me.

...........................

About that time I felt my legs being pushed back and suddenly someone else was inside me. I tried to look, but it was dark and I was groggy. I’m sure it was someone new. Then two hard penises showed up on both sides of my face. Without even thinking, I put one in my mouth and sucked for a while before switching to the other. I went back and forth between the two while my pussy was getting pounded by a third. And then, as though my body had a will of its own, I found myself gasping with another orgasm. The guy fucking me squirted a huge load into me causing me to cum again. One of the guys I was sucking quickly moved to fill my soaking wet pussy and very quickly dumped another load in me. The guy in my mouth followed shortly and I felt his warm creamy seed splash against the back of my throat as I gobbled it all down.

 

[grad_school_girl]

Ok, I think I understand what you're saying. You may not be a critic, but I write these stories for both myself and others--that's what turns me on about this (other getting off reading stories about me enjoying myself!). Therfore, it's helpful to get any kind of constructive feedback. My experience was very controlled, very mechanical, but I imagine some GB's kind of accelerate--a girl does not realise quite what she's getting into! I've had situations like those, just not with 5 guys! I suppose the nature of how my GB occurred--four guys culled from an online site for this specific purpose--dictated the form of the story.

I *DO* like your story, however. ;o) It certainly has grabbed my attention... ;o) Since last October, when this happened to me, I've been very curious about going to an onsite hotel swinger party where something like what happened in your story may occur. Who knows? I may do that next...(if we can only find a decent group of like-minded types!)

Thanks again!

 

[Rainbow Skin]

On being mechanical versus leading the reader in: remember, the person who is actually there (you, the writer) just has to grab the nearest bit and suck/lick/insert... But we poor readers haven't got any of that. We can't see it, feel it, smell it, we can't just reach out and get it. If you want to write about it effectively you need to make us feel what it's like to be there, fool us into almost experiencing it for ourselves.

But that said, I think your story was on the whole very effective: it grabs us, grabs and drags us into the experience; and it does sound like a personal take, rather than a generic scene. It's rough, but that's what it was like for you, so that's what it should convey.