BoNeRBoY19
Virgin
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2007
- Posts
- 12
Please read and criticize my new story Well Worth the Wait in the group sex category. I'm thinking of doing a series and need to know if it's worth the trouble.
Fishing for Comments
- Thread starter BoNeRBoY19
- Start date
CeriseNoire
Sweet 'n Tangy
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2006
- Posts
- 4,378
BoNeRBoY19 said:
Would you kindly provide a link? We're a bit lazy here.
By the way, Welcome to Lit
BoNeRBoY19
Virgin
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2007
- Posts
- 12
MarshAlien
Marshini, anyone? Hic!
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2007
- Posts
- 1,426
I opened it, and will be sure to give it a read, but I had to be the first to ask: is a "failed suicide attempter with diarrhea" the ne plus ultra of grimness, such that drawing a grin from one could be considered a really meaningful accomplishment?
Looking forward to the rest!
Marsh
Looking forward to the rest!
Marsh
Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2006
- Posts
- 10,872
The story was rather a disappointment for several reasons. First, if you want your stories to be READABLE do not make your paragraphs 25 sceeen lines long. Stick to 6-8. It's so much easier on the eyes.
Second, your first paragraph is about 2/3's discription of the teacher. I suppose among the new writers that seems obligitory, but it's frankly borking. Let the characters do the discribing. And do it indirectly. For instance, rather than, as you wrote, "She was about 5'5" with light brown skin and a smile that could draw a grin from a failed suicide attempter with diarrhea" it would have been a lot more interesting to say something like, "I lusted after her light brown skin. But it was her smile that did the most damage to me as I stood before her staring into her azure blue eyes." Notice I could care less how tall she is?
Having graduated from both high school and college some years ago, I find it not very believable that your teacher would be the least interested. The line, "James!" she screamed as she hugged me. The sudden attention was a surprise, a welcome surprise, but really caught me off guard" reall blew it for me in the believablility catagory. Then to have her call you, to "set up an anatomy experiment" is just way too contrived.
This entire story is a sophomoric fantasy and wasn't really worth the wait at all.
Second, your first paragraph is about 2/3's discription of the teacher. I suppose among the new writers that seems obligitory, but it's frankly borking. Let the characters do the discribing. And do it indirectly. For instance, rather than, as you wrote, "She was about 5'5" with light brown skin and a smile that could draw a grin from a failed suicide attempter with diarrhea" it would have been a lot more interesting to say something like, "I lusted after her light brown skin. But it was her smile that did the most damage to me as I stood before her staring into her azure blue eyes." Notice I could care less how tall she is?
Having graduated from both high school and college some years ago, I find it not very believable that your teacher would be the least interested. The line, "James!" she screamed as she hugged me. The sudden attention was a surprise, a welcome surprise, but really caught me off guard" reall blew it for me in the believablility catagory. Then to have her call you, to "set up an anatomy experiment" is just way too contrived.
This entire story is a sophomoric fantasy and wasn't really worth the wait at all.
_Lynn_
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2006
- Posts
- 49,494
"Well after my high school graduation, she seemed extremely interested in my
plans after high school. "
"I swallowed hard and decided to approach them. I walked over and approached them ....."
"She introduced me to her friend who was also now teaching at my high school. Her name was Heather and she was a new teacher............"
**Repitition throughout the entire piece.
Too many sentences start with "I/she/we".....try to mix them up for a better flow.
**""I winced in pain and walked to the sink. I washed the blood gushing from the gash in my hand.""
If it's gushing you wouldn't just walk to the sink
An example
"As the blood flowed from the gash in my hand I rushed to the sink."
**A boys fantasy, I stopped reading.
My opinion only. ML
plans after high school. "
"I swallowed hard and decided to approach them. I walked over and approached them ....."
"She introduced me to her friend who was also now teaching at my high school. Her name was Heather and she was a new teacher............"
**Repitition throughout the entire piece.
Too many sentences start with "I/she/we".....try to mix them up for a better flow.
**""I winced in pain and walked to the sink. I washed the blood gushing from the gash in my hand.""
If it's gushing you wouldn't just walk to the sink
An example
"As the blood flowed from the gash in my hand I rushed to the sink."
**A boys fantasy, I stopped reading.
My opinion only. ML
MarshAlien
Marshini, anyone? Hic!
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2007
- Posts
- 1,426
Luckily for you, m'boy, you've come to the right place. In the interests of full disclosure, I should disclose that I am the author of two fuck-my-teacher stories here on Literotica. So maybe I'm just jealous of yours. Maybe not, though.
First of all, Jenny is absolutely right about the motivation. Despite all the real world examples, none of your readers had this happen to us in high school, no matter how much we wanted it. So your first job is to give us a reason to suspend the disbelief that will inevitably accompany your first mention of a hot teacher you had a crush on. Now, if you write really, really hot sex scenes, most of your readers won't care. But, frankly, you need to work on your sex scenes. Your "tongue-drill," your "oral prowess," and your "fucking pro! (literally)" all smack of Penthouse letters. You are not a fucking god; don't try to make us think you are. Try to wrap us up in the sex, so that we share the emotions of love-making, not the emotions of your "conquest" of the "hot teacher."
So, without the exceptionally well-written sex (and I'm right with you there, pal; my sex scenes are pretty bad, too), we're left with "why is your teacher doing this with you?" I've played this for laughs and for pathos, but you apparently want us to believe that your hot teacher had a secret crush on overweight little you when you were in high school. For your brains, maybe? It can't be your incredible confidence, because when Heather teases you for ten seconds, you drop your head in shame and flee the room in complete and utter silence. Think about how that would look if it actually happened, btw (just like it helps to say the dialogue sometimes, to see if if sounds natural) - these girls would think you were an absolute loser, just running away like that without saying a word. Sorry, I'm not buying it. You need to give us something more about you, and particularly something more about her, that makes her want you. I don't see it in here.
You need dialogue. Lots and lots of dialogue. People don't live their lives without talking, and people don't have sex without talking. And when people read about other people talking, they want to hear them talk. Also, dialogue would break up the wall of words that people are faced with when they open your work.
Your sentences, technically, are fairly good, other than the sex part. (There's a few too many "wells" and some adjectives that ought to be adverbs). You need to work on basic storytelling (developing characters, plot, narrative descriptions, and most of all dialogue) in order to improve your work.
Good luck. Keep plugging away.
First of all, Jenny is absolutely right about the motivation. Despite all the real world examples, none of your readers had this happen to us in high school, no matter how much we wanted it. So your first job is to give us a reason to suspend the disbelief that will inevitably accompany your first mention of a hot teacher you had a crush on. Now, if you write really, really hot sex scenes, most of your readers won't care. But, frankly, you need to work on your sex scenes. Your "tongue-drill," your "oral prowess," and your "fucking pro! (literally)" all smack of Penthouse letters. You are not a fucking god; don't try to make us think you are. Try to wrap us up in the sex, so that we share the emotions of love-making, not the emotions of your "conquest" of the "hot teacher."
So, without the exceptionally well-written sex (and I'm right with you there, pal; my sex scenes are pretty bad, too), we're left with "why is your teacher doing this with you?" I've played this for laughs and for pathos, but you apparently want us to believe that your hot teacher had a secret crush on overweight little you when you were in high school. For your brains, maybe? It can't be your incredible confidence, because when Heather teases you for ten seconds, you drop your head in shame and flee the room in complete and utter silence. Think about how that would look if it actually happened, btw (just like it helps to say the dialogue sometimes, to see if if sounds natural) - these girls would think you were an absolute loser, just running away like that without saying a word. Sorry, I'm not buying it. You need to give us something more about you, and particularly something more about her, that makes her want you. I don't see it in here.
You need dialogue. Lots and lots of dialogue. People don't live their lives without talking, and people don't have sex without talking. And when people read about other people talking, they want to hear them talk. Also, dialogue would break up the wall of words that people are faced with when they open your work.
Your sentences, technically, are fairly good, other than the sex part. (There's a few too many "wells" and some adjectives that ought to be adverbs). You need to work on basic storytelling (developing characters, plot, narrative descriptions, and most of all dialogue) in order to improve your work.
Good luck. Keep plugging away.
Similar threads
