First two stories: Comments, Questions, Concerns?

[NATO]

Just wanted to say hey to everyone--I'm a new author (just got my second story up), and I figured it might not be a bad idea to do a little self-promotion. Feedback is always welcome, of course.

For the Craft, my first story, is basically my first full attempt at an erotic story, to get a feel for writing, you know, this stuff. The plot is pretty basic--guy didn't manage to pick up any girls the night before, goes out to buy some erotic material to get himself off with and gets a little luckier than he expected. (Yes, I'm aware that the male character's name changes toward the end of the story, and no, it won't happen again. I decided to change his name at the last minute and didn't catch every mention of it. So you can be sure that my next story was more thoroughly proofread.)

Call on Line Two is sort of a continuation of the first story, largely since it deals with the same characters. In this one, she does a striptease for him. Already gotten some positive feedback here.

Anyway, I have a couple more stories in mind for these two--hope everyone enjoys! (And I'm aware that I'm not perfect, but I'm always looking for ways to improve, so constructive criticism is also welcome.)

 

[the_bragis]

Hello

Hi NATO,

Welcome aboard! Isn't it just the most exciting thing seeing your story posted? Ok, maybe not the most exciting thing, but close.

Yes, I'm aware that the male character's name changes toward the end of the story ~ NATO

Not a problem, you know you can re-submit your edited story, don't you?

I read "For The Craft".

Now you will see people in here all the time saying they want 'realism'. I'm not like that, I love a good fantasy piece, and this one, even so I found a couple of things here did stretch my imagination. I mean here is this man asking a woman for a fuck within the first hour of meeting her, and her agreeing to it almost immediatley. Look, I know that's every red blooded hetro male's fantasy, but then a couple of hours later they are telling each other 'I love you'. I'm a romantic for sure, but I'm just not sure about this.

This is hot little story, and the sex scene steams.

This is what else I noted as I read:

David awoke early Saturday morning, watching the sun come streaming through his windows.

Your opening sentences reads oddly to me. Actually maybe it was just me, but I found a few sentences that didn't quite feel 'right'. I think this one should perhaps have read: David awoke early Saturday morning to the sun streaming through his window. Or, David was woken early on Saturday morning by the sun streaming through his window. Try reading your story out aloud and I think you will spot them too.

Once he got there, he found himself immediately drawn to the erotica section—

Ok, call me a sick little bunny, but I would love to have seen a little more awkwardness here. You know, like when a guy goes to buy condoms for the first time, he looks around, he's a little nervous, and excited at the same time.


He really wanted to be alone, browsing this sort of thing.

He he... I just bet he did!

Third paragraph, you have three sentences in a row beginning with 'She', it's not a big deal, but it's not a bad idea to try to avoid that if you can.

...struck him as a possible keeper...

I know what a 'keeper' is 'cause I've got a sweet Canadian friend who says that too. Keep in mind however, people from all over the world will read your story in here (Yes, exciting isn't it?) , and they won't all understand your slang.

Her breasts—only slightly larger than hand-sized—..

Oh good lord, I love this description!

He noticed that she was only holding the book with her left hand. Her right disappeared under the book—he couldn't see quite what she was doing with it, but from what he could see of its movement, it looked like she was stroking the front of her jeans.


I like this, and i think too, other readers will appreciate this little twist on a woman touching herself, only I feel it's cluttered. Your story is hot, don't let 'extra' words slow it down. You have a few sentences here that could do with trimming. I think something like this might be a smoother read:

He noticed she was holding the book in only one hand. He couldn't see her other hand, although judging from the movement under the book, she was stroking the font of her jeans

"Do you like erotica?"

To me this just wasn't strong enough. I mean here is this woman so freaking hot and excited by what she's reading she just has to touch herself, and he says; " Do you... How about something a little cheekier like: "I couldn't help noticing how much you are enjoying that book." Or, "I see you are really enjoying that book aren't you?"

She looked up at him, then looked right and left. She smiled a little sheepishly.

Please, if that was me, I'd be looking for crack to crawl into. I would like to have seen her squirmed with embarrassment here. (Ain't I a bitch?)

"With writing? Or with being erotic?"

Cute line!

barely hiding his erection..

Please, horny little gals like me want all juicy detail about his erection.

"On the other hand . . . " he looked back at her, into her green eyes as she said " . . . On the other hand, I really want to fuck you."

This is one hell of a powerful line, only I believe it falls flat because of David's ho-hum response. Damn it, if a woman said that to you, what would you reaction be? And I'm not just talking about speech here either. I felt it was a little confusing too with 'he looked back at her...' his actions, after her dialog.

He was pleasantly surprised to discover that she obviously kept herself clean—a lot of girls he'd had experiences with didn't bother so much, and ended up smelling like a crate of dead fish.

I have only one thing to say about this passage. Lose it!

she had a very light patch of hair that was restricted to her mons..

What's a mons please?

As Karen fell inactive, she released her death-grip on David's head...

A little too dramatic perhaps? Maybe, maybe not.

Over all this is a good, especially for your first attempt at erotica, very good. Yes, I enjoyed it, thank you a good read.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day now,

Alex (female).

 

[NoJo]

I think you're a very good writer, with a controlled and easy to read style.
I found Call on Line Two sexy, which, after all is the bottom line here!

A slight moan about Call on Line Two: You use the verb "moan" far too much -- twenty times in fact. I know from your writing style you're good enough to provide a little variation here, without a thesaurus.

Joe

 

[Whispersecret]

For future reference, you can use the FIND AND REPLACE function on your word program to change names. However, be careful if you character's name is "Ed," because it will change all the "eds" even if they're not the name, like in "looked." There IS a way to make it case sensitive, though.

I hope this helps.

 

[PaulX35]

In addition

For future reference, you can use the FIND AND REPLACE function on your word program to change names. However, be careful if you character's name is "Ed," because it will change all the "eds" even if they're not the name, like in "looked." There IS a way to make it case sensitive, though.

I hope this helps.

There's also a way to Find & Replace word by word, allowing you the choice wether or not to replace. Less dangerous than the fast option

Paul

 

[NATO]

I actually figured out you can edit stories after they're up shortly after I posted here. I'll probably fix all this stuff ... eventually. But at the moment, I have other stories itching to crawl out of my brain.

Good comments: I'm taking notes! Keep 'em coming!