First Timer

[VelvetTipper]

Hi all.

My debut tale is up on literotica and i would love to know what you all think of my efforts. It's called 'Pleasure Three Times' and can be found in the Group Sex section, just follow this link to it
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=165847

It concerns a married couple and the night they got down and dirty with her best friend. I'd appreciate if you could find the time to check it out.

LOL,

VT xx

 

[BlackShanglan]

Dear Velvet,

I thought I would have a read through your story and comment as I go. That will give you some snapshots of my developing perceptions of it; I'll sum up with some comments at the end.

I start by wondering why "low-tar" is an essential detail for the cigarette. I think that good concrete detail *is* an essential element of a good story, but I also feel that it needs to be well directed. What I find msyelf asking here is, "Why did the author feel that that detail was particularly necessary? Does it change my perception of the scene or character in some crucial way?" On the whole, it does not. On the other hand, on a completely personal level I find smoking rather unappealing, so perhaps I am missing some key nuance that smokers would more readily grasp

Perhaps Alan had somehow discovered our plans and that were why she had not shown!

Little grammatical speck there - "were" is in the wrong verb tense. On the positive side, I like your use of evocative words - "I took a slug of wine," for example - to convey the narrator's nervous tension. I can really see her belting it back to try to calm her nerves.

the floor to which I now looked upon

I promise that this will be the last one I comment upon But the "to which" is extraneous. Throughout, I am seeing some minor grammatical issues - not enough to really derail the sense of the narrative, but enough to distract me a bit. The "fictional dream" of the story gets broken up a bit when little grammatical realities obtrude into it. Too many, and it's hard for the reader to sustain the dream.

When it was over we had agreed that this was to be the start of an affair, but a life of marriage and kids had got in the way, and we had not had the opportunity to fuck again until now.

This gives me the impression that the narrator is interested in Tina purely as an erotic accessory. This is quite possibly what you intend. It's not a style of character interaction that I personally find appealing, but I certainly understand that others find it exciting. Therefore, I am simply confining myself to saying how it strikes me, and letting you decide if you wanted it to work that way.

I love Dave and didn't want to hurt him, but I could not ignore my feelings for Tina either. So by making Dave happy with the idea of his wife fucking another woman, we were all happy.

In the context of the last quotation, this one does make me wonder a bit about these "feelings." Do you intend lust, or emotions? This may be a personal hangup, but I have trouble associating "fucking" with love. But then, I write drivelling Victorian romance in which even the more genteely direct terms are completely avoided, so take my comments on that topic with a good helping of skepticism.

(In fact, I would recommend to anyone the general policy of reading something your reviewer has written. It will help you to recognize which comments are generally grounded and which are more about that person's individual tastes.)

Because of her marriage problems she was not getting fucked on a regular basis

To me, this comes across quite unemotional and rather unstimulating. That is ... it doesn't sound much different to saying that she needs to have her car serviced once every three months. Personally, I would prefer something that more strongly evoked her sexual desire; this seems a bit matter-of-fact.

"Hi" she said breathlessly as I closed the door and the world behind us. "Sorry I’m late, fucking car wouldn't start. Alan insisted on trying to fix it before he'd let me call a cab, the fucking cheap prick." Tina swore quite a lot but I didn't mind. She used the same language in bed and I swear she'd make you come just by talking dirty.

In contrast, I quite enjoy this opening characterization of Tina. She comes across earthy but interesting, and I get a quick glimpse at what the speaker finds sexy about her. I'm getting warmer to the "pure raw sex interest" as I am getting more detail about what makes that work - that is, what makes her sexy. Similarly, the narrator's description of her as she crosses the room to sit does a good job with concrete detail and, more importantly to me, with the narrator's voice and responses, showing exactly what excites her in Tina and how she responds.

Something I love in this story, odd though it might sound, is your choice of words like "meaty" to describe her breasts or "squashed firmly together" when the speaker and Tina begin to have sex on the sofa. I love the earthiness of this; it fits well with a story trying to convey a raw sexual power, and it is a delightful change from ... well, frankly, from my own overly-nice flowery stuff

Good detail on the sex scene. I like that you give me a wealth of voice from the speaker - scent, taste, sensation - that really drives home the immediacy and reality of the situation. It's hot and quite pleasant, and you handle both the logistics and the passion of the three-way quite well.

I think my one qualm at this stage is that Dave is quite flat; he seems to be there mostly just to get a cock into play. The narrator is very focused on Tina's reactions, looks, and behavior, but Dave only seems to get mentioned tangentially as an accessory to his dick. He doesn't come through as much of a real person, even just a real person in a very hot, no-strings three-way. I don't see much reaction or interest from him.

That gets a little better when he begins fingering Tina and then takes her from behind, but for some reason ... I don't know. I just don't get much sense that the narrator is much interested in Dave. Could just be me. But even when I get more information on what he is doing physically, the narrator doesn't seem at all turned on by him. She's still primarily focused on Tina, and her interest seems a great deal more in seeing Tina get fucked than in seeing her husband doing the fucking. Perhaps this is intentional, but if so I'd like to see that concept developed just a bit. As it is ... reads like the narrator is not much interested in men. It makes me wonder why she's married.

On the whole, I found this story quite enjoyable. The strong points revolve around the speaker's perception of Tina; her descriptions both of her physically and of their sex together are vivid, pleasurable, and original, and I greatly enjoyed your language. I found Dave a bit of a weak character, but it didn't stop me from enjoying this pleasant romp.

Shanglan

 

[VelvetTipper]

feedback

Hi.

Thanx for the great feedback. I will check out some of your writing.

LOL,

VT

 

[BlackShanglan]

I am very pleased to be of service, and I would greatly appreciate your thoughts on anything I have written.

Shanglan