First timer looking for feedback!

[rhiannon86]

I finally got some guts and posted my first story!! Please check it out, share some feedback with me & vote while you're at it!! http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=310216

 

[Horus_rules]

Very nice story! You got a rise out of me.

Picture remines me of the song:

Joe Cocker

"You Can Leave Your Hat On"

Baby
take off your coat
real slow.
Take off your shoes
I'U. take off your shoes.
Baby
take off your dress
yes
yes
yes.
You can leave your hat on -
You can leave your hat on -
You can leave your hat on.
Go on over there
turn on the light
no
all the lights.

Come over here
stand on that chair
yeah
that's right.
Raise your arms in the air
now shake 'em.
you give me reason to live - you give me reason to live -
you give me reason to live - you give me reason to live.

Sweet darling - you can leave your hat on -
You can leave your hat on
baby - you can leave your hat on -
You can leave your hat on - you can leave your hat on -
You can leave your hat on.

Suspicious minds are talkin'
they're tryin' to tear us apart !
They don't believe that it is love of mine -
They don't know what love is - they don't know what love is -
They don't know what love is - they don't know what love is -
I know what love is !

There ain't no way - you can leave your hat on -
You can leave your hat on - you can leave your hat on -
Give me the reason to live - you can leave your hat on!
​

 

[rhiannon86]

Thank you-thank you-thank you! I kind of like the hat, too!!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Generally, the story was pretty good for a first effort. Congrads.

There are a couple of things you need to watch in the future. For example, your second paragraph -

This night was going to be "all about me " I figured it was not my choice to be all alone that weekend, so he didn't get a vote on what my social calendar would entail Saying it out loud a few times to the reflection in the mirror seemed to empower me a bit more and as I suited myself up for the festivities in my little black mini, peach blouse (that laces up the front & highlights the little bit of cleavage that I have), high heeled-black suede boots that come up to the knees & scream "FUCK ME", sheer black thigh high stockings w/a lacy garter belt and no panties (That's right...commando I thought what the hell...it wasn't like my forehead had a tattoo on it, right? No one would know that the frisky little blonde dancing in her seat all night didn't listen to her mother If I was in an accident & had to be taken to the hospital, the nurses wouldn't give a shit if my ass had "skivvies" on it or not ), I got friskier by the minute.

You realize you left all the periods out except for the one at the end? You've done that throughout the piece. And your use of parrens is...just don't do that. Ok? Also, you need to look up the correct way of using the elipsis. It is only used to denote an incomplete thought. You have used it here over and over to denote a pause.

Frankly, this is really flash fiction, not a story - a snippet of what should have been a longer story. Who are these people? What is their motivations? Why can't they talk for themselves, rather than have you telling their story?

From my stand point, reading 20 stories every day, this was not boring, but not as good as it could have been. But still, a good first effort. I expect much better from you on you next story. Good work.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I agree with the advice Jenny has left you. I would like to add, don't use numerals where you can use words.

I was going to be 10 minutes late.

I was going to be ten minutes late.

Which line reads easier?

 

[rhiannon86]

Thank you both for the input! You're correct in the thought that there was so much more to be said, by the characters themselves, instead of the narrator. This was something that needed to be put down in black and white, more to show myself that I would actually let someone else read it before I deleted it. Thank you again!

 

[JediKnight2004]

Real nice...probably one of my favorites in that category, loved the vivid details and all =)

 

[ninefe2dg]

I think I'll....

....try to whack off to "Wipe Out" to see if I can get the rhythm! Better than a metronome I'm sure!

Do NOT delete your story, please. I'm so happy you shared it. It's not easy to post and I hope you do more.

For what it's worth, I guessed the mystery guy was the boyfriend. I point that out not to boast, as I'm sure others guessed, too, and probably guessed earlier than I did (I guessed it right before you revealed it)...BUT, because I usually DON'T figure it out. Not sure what tipped me off (bf home proximity to the club?) May want to divert us a bit.

I thought the descriptions were fairly arousing!

I would want to know more about the characters. I inferred this was their first sexual encounter, or did I misread? Why the club? Why not w/ bf in the first place? Why was he there? Did he follow her? More details would be great, lest this be simply a variation of the "do you like pina coladas" song.

As a newcomer myself I am trying to soak in all the advice myself. I'm keen to improve on "showing" the scenes vs. "telling" them. I'm no expert...to follow on the screen name above me I'm but a Padawan to this collective Jedi Master...I'm copying an exchange I had on another thread with Penelope Street (Penny hope this is OK since it's posted, not pm'd) that talks a bit about the difference, I hope it's helpful to you.

Keep on writing and posting, was great to hear from you!


From Penelope Street:

The story discussion seems to have subsided anyway, so I don't think there's any harm in taking the thread a little off-topic. The easiest way I know to identify whether a piece of a story is showing or telling is to imagine the scene made into a movie. The parts that translate easily to the screen are examples of showing, the parts that don't are telling.

A simple example:
Telling: John looked angry.
Showing: John's eyes narrowed and his lips pressed white against one another.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another question I like to ask is "Can a character experience what is related with any of the five senses?" If the answer is yes, then I'd say it's showing. If you think about showing and telling in terms of the five senses, 'showing' isn't the best term since something heard, felt, tasted, or smelled still qualifies as showing, at least in my opinion.

For example, which of these is showing?

She spoke with a British accent.
She was tall.
She was beautiful.
She had green eyes.
She smelled wonderful.
She said, "This is silly."

The answer isn't always cut & dried, is it? But when the answer is obvious, then you've probably found a sentence that should be edited or omitted.

Originally Posted by ninefe2dg
So when is "telling" OK?

I would be so easy if there was a simple answer to this question, but there isn't. I think exposition is ideal to cover the lapses between scenes, but is better avoided within a scene.