First timer! Can you tell me what you think?

[Miss_Ellen]

I am very new to this but would appreciate any feedback you have for me on my first story - I've been writing erotica for a 'special someone' for a few months and this started as a story just for him.

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-visit-from-a-friend-and-more

Thanks!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Ellen, Hi and congrats on your first story. I liked the premise and the erotic tension of being unsighted. Gave a great chance to bring the second girl in.

I'll go first and other learned ones will tear me apart - at least it will garner interest for your story.

I got a bit put off by your continual use of personal pronouns. You write in second person perspective, then use first person (singular and plural). I won't nitpick and say it's not 10 am and I haven't got a pair of balls. Although I'm no fan of second person - I know it can work for a vignette - I can enjoy a 2nd person story well-written from a male POV. When you use 'I' you immediately capture the narrative perspective, which you don't want.

I understand your original writing was intimate but for a wider audience I think you need to put 'I' and 'we' in third person and flesh out the characters a tad. The only description we get is 'a Northern Irish voice'. You see 'you' as 'him' and know everything about him, as he does you. Without some explanation we poor readers just get a two-dimensional sex act.

Just minor point, with a backlit rolling screen, paragraphs should be kept to around 6-8 lines max.

You write a good story but just consider that we, the unwashed reading public, are not aware of the characters you are intimately involved with.

I think your debut is pretty damn good.

 

[PacoFear]

Hi Ellen,

Welcome to the smut-writing party! Glad to have you aboard!

Your post was solid work for your first effort and for that you should be proud. Still, you've fallen into a few traps. Traps? Yes, traps.

The Traps
Oversized paragraphs: they're too hard to read on a rolling, backlit screen
Improperly punctuated dialogue: have a look at this
No character development: without knowing more, it's a tad "tab-A into slot-B"
Telling rather than showing: it really reads like stage directions at some points
A blindfolded subject: who doesn't take keener notice of touch/smell/sound
Thinking that second person is sexy: it's just, well, not. Don't tell me, the reader who has never met you, what I'm thinking or saying or doing. At the points I don't agree, as the reader, it throws me out of your scene.

Now that I've beaten you up, let me offer you some encouragement. I think you have a deliciously dirty mind and I look forward to your future posts. Frankly, any woman who has these sorts of ideas rolling around in her head is an absolute keeper. Your fella is lucky to have you and I trust he treats you accordingly.

Cheers,

PacoFear

 

[elfin_odalisque]

See, I said I'd attract the learned ones!

To cut to the quick, I think you should have written 'him' in first person allowing you to expand on emotions and sensations. Like Paco says, the story is based on tell not show, which is often a problem withe second person POV.

You two know each other but us silly readers need to build an empathy with the characters.

Still a great fantasy.

 

[Miss_Ellen]

Thanks!

Thank you so much for your feedback, all very valuable. I originally wrote this in an email format so will take into account the paragraph sizes for the literotica screen layout. I will also write from first person POV next time. Plus I've been brushing up on my punctuation and grammar, no excuse! Looking forward to giving it another go, I'm trying to think up something for the Winter Story comp, may just need my 'special someone' to give me some inspiration! Hopefully you'll read that one too xxxxxx

 

[PennLady]

FWIW, I couldn't get too far in. Once I saw the I/you construction, I was no longer interested. There's nothing wrong with it per se, but for one thing, as a woman, I didn't care to be the "you" who was a guy.

I think the I/you thing works if you do this for someone specifically, but I don't think it goes over well with "everybody else."