First timer as well...

[jeff_is_smiling]

...and I have submitted a second one! I have received alot of votes so far, and also 3 emails commenting on my first one. They explained my "ooopsie's" very well (wish I had caught that before I hit the submit button...lol)...so overall I have enjoyed taking the plunge!

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

Since I JUST learned how to post a link...

...here it is

Learning To Read A Woman's Body

 

[Natural Born Eros]

Good job - a story that manages to be orthodox and yet distinctive. I enjoyed it and gave it a four.

The only difficulty is why I didn't give it a five. Its about the most difficult thing to improve upon, unfortunately. There is nothing wrong with the plot, and the techncal aspects (spelling, grammar, syntax and paragraphing) are fine. I felt it needed a bit more of the "art" of writing. Let me try and explain that. Keep in mind, this is a very personal description. I felt that the story was lacking in sentences that, if read seperately from a story, would give me pleasure. A sentence or phrase so perfectly crafted that it seems to capture and explain something I wasn't previously conscious of. If you really care, read Arundathi Roy's "The God of Small Things," a Booker prize winning novel in which nearly every sentence thrills me. It can be read like poetry.

Don't let that deter you from what you have acheived. You've written a technically excellent, well crafted story that will, I'm sure, be very successful. The only reason to be concerned about my complaint is if you wish to become a "literature orientated" writer. For the majority, a "narrative orientated" story is preferable, and the story you have written fills this class superbly.

Well done and keep writing.

Eros

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

Outstanding ...... but...

I felt that the story was lacking in sentences that, if read seperately from a story, would give me pleasure. A sentence or phrase so perfectly crafted that it seems to capture and explain something I wasn't previously conscious of. If you really care, read Arundathi Roy's "The God of Small Things," a Booker prize winning novel in which nearly every sentence thrills me. It can be read like poetry.


I want to thank you for providing me that input. I must say that I do not understand exactly what you are referring to, and I may get that book....but I am wondering if you would try one more time to explain the concept again, or give me an example that I can better understand?

Remember that with me, stick figures work well as an example....

Regardless, thanks again. It is appreciated.

 

[Natural Born Eros]

Well, I'm not altogether suprised you struggled with that explanation. I think explaining how I read is even more complicated than explaining how I write. Let me give an example from one of Literotica's finest - Killer Muffin's Losing Pieces of You:

"She has a perfect body, rich with a woman's ripeness and imperfections."

Now, unfortunately for both of us, I can't begin to analyse what it is that makes this sentence so perfect. I just hope you see it yourself. The point I am trying to make is that there are two forms of writing. You can write to tell a story. A narrative sentence, a description of action or of background. This is the bread and butter, the standard art of writing.

The other form of writing has been attempted by many, and captured only fleetingly, only by the few. KM's sentence is, to me, an example of that. Other readers will have their own examples. To appreciate this sentence, I don't need a story around it. It tells its own story. It is complete and perfect and it brings me pleasure. There are a few writers on Lit who can do this. Roy's book is the only piece I've read which sustains this perfection for me.

Other writers with this almost poetic ability to grip me include Alan Plater (British playwright, who you won't have heard of), Ian McEwan (writer of Amsterdam, Attonement, etc), and Graham Greene. As I say, this is a very difficult thing to acheive. It isn't necessarily something all (or even many) readers seek. Nor is it something that everyone can or should do.

A parallel would be driving. I can drive a car, get from A to B without endangering myself or others, and (usually) follow the rules of the road in doing so. Rally drivers don't follow the rules of the road, but they are far more skilled than I will ever be. It is a talent given to the very few. I'm happy just driving along, leaving others to be world rally champions.

I realise this remains disjointed and perhaps incomprehensible. I've given my best attempt to explain it. As I told you, it isn't something many writers can acheive, nor is it necessary. However, for a story of the type you wrote, I would not award a five (a massive compliment) without it. A four is still a fine mark for a good story, and I'm sure you'll get many fives.

I hope this helps explain my previous post. It isn't unfortunately, something I can explain with stick men

Cheers,

Eros

 

[Octavian]

My thoughts

I have just read your story. It is clear you have a good command of English grammar but the thing that struck me was the repetition of words or phrases. You should try to avoid that.

A couple of examples should suffice. This is from the first paragraph:-

We were comfortably resting on my couch. It was her first time to my place and we agreed that she would come over provided no sex was involved. Up to this point , we had met for lunch, met for a dinner and went to a movie together. I had very much enjoyed her company to this point , and had discovered a few items about her that you just cannot know from internet chatting alone.
You could have used 'so far' the second time

This from the second:-

Watching TV, I started instinctively to caress her neck and shoulders, occasionally caressing her arms and hands as well. She knew this would be happening as I was very open about my tendency to caress .
Here you might have used caress the first time and then referred to 'stroking' the second. The third use could have been avoided if you had written, 'She knew this might happen as I was very open about this tendency of mine.'

The best way to avoid this in the future is to go back and read your story after a week or so.

Octavian
Bearer of the Silver Rose

 

[DarlingNikki]

If I could add my two cents - "thru" is not a real word. "Through" is what you are looking for.

This was nice, but honestly, I can't get my head around the idea of a woman who can have four orgasms without being touched, and a fifth just at the site of words on a screen. I'm not trying to doubt you if you say this is a true story and of course you can write whatever you want for yourself. And I do know that these stories involve some element of fantasy. But if a story is supposed to appeal to those of us who need a bit more than a few words, it's going to be difficult. But hey, that is my opinion only. I'm sure other people will enjoy it.

Other than that, yes, it was well written.

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

I like this site.

to be honest, I really had not considered that people would give feedback on writings techniques and styles. This is very refreshing to me.

I have never tried writing before, so the things you are all mentioning are things that I never would have considered. But as I see the examples, they make sense to me. I'll try to incorporate them as I continue writing.

The reason the story is written in it's style is because I was asked by someone to write about this situation. it is a true story completely...nothing of fantasy in it. The "unbelieveabilty" of it makes it a good subject for me. And since I have no other experience writing, I just am writing what I remember happening. I am in the "timeframe accuracy" way of thinking as I am writing, and not the "what makes it better for the reader?" way of writing.

Again, thank you too all that took the time to read and comment. The feedback is wonderful and makes me glad I did this!