First time
- Thread starter Osrick123
- Start date
elfin_odalisque
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2004
- Posts
- 10,056
Until it is posted we can't read it. When it is up post a link here. Just just copy the html code at the top of the story and post it here.
Will prolly take 5 days.
Will prolly take 5 days.
Link to first story - comments welcome
My first literotica submission is now on-line., viewable at
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=506622
I welcome comments and feedback.
Thanks in advance!
My first literotica submission is now on-line., viewable at
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=506622
I welcome comments and feedback.
Thanks in advance!
Hello Osrick,
I thought the story was well-written. You held my attention throughout and I didn't skip - which I tend to do with most stories here. I liked all the detail about the various different clubs. I found it interesting and it gave the piece a sense of authenticity.
By the end of the story, though, I thought I'd read a typical male fantasy - the one about the stripper who finds a special client - a man with extra-special sexual powers - a man who can make a stripper cum just by the power of his personality. I decided that you, the author, were actually the middle-aged man in the story, rather than the narrator, the topless dancer.
A thousand apologies if I'm wrong about that. But if I'm not, I ought to point out that it doesn't matter if this is male wish-fulfilment. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a man writing fiction in a woman's voice, if that was the case here. It was just that the thought that this was probably wish-fulfilment made the story fall flat for me at the end.
I'd been expecting some kind of pay-off, I think, but all you gave me at the end was that the mysterious middle-aged customer had made her cum when she gave him his private dance. Perhaps the story should have been longer. Perhaps we should have found out more about the man - and why he turned her on so much with his 'cute little smirk'. (She doesn't seem very clear about that herself.) I think I wanted a resolution to the mystery.
On a slightly different tack, I'm also interested - maybe fascinated - by female exhibitionism. As well as being sexy, I find it intriguing. I don't really understand the urge some women have to exhibit. I thought you did a pretty reasonable job of trying to explain why your female character likes to dance naked. I don't know if I believe her reasons completely - I imagine most strippers are mainly in it for the money, not the sex - but there must be some erotic charge for a stripper, some of the time at least. Maybe. (I hope.)
I've probably been a little harsh on your story here. However, I only bothered to write this critique in the first place because, as I said, I found the story well-written. I think I'm judging you by a higher standard than the majority of Literotica stories can reach, or even approach. So I hope you post more stories here. This is certainly an interesting start, as far as I'm concerned.
- polynices
I thought the story was well-written. You held my attention throughout and I didn't skip - which I tend to do with most stories here. I liked all the detail about the various different clubs. I found it interesting and it gave the piece a sense of authenticity.
By the end of the story, though, I thought I'd read a typical male fantasy - the one about the stripper who finds a special client - a man with extra-special sexual powers - a man who can make a stripper cum just by the power of his personality. I decided that you, the author, were actually the middle-aged man in the story, rather than the narrator, the topless dancer.
A thousand apologies if I'm wrong about that. But if I'm not, I ought to point out that it doesn't matter if this is male wish-fulfilment. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a man writing fiction in a woman's voice, if that was the case here. It was just that the thought that this was probably wish-fulfilment made the story fall flat for me at the end.
I'd been expecting some kind of pay-off, I think, but all you gave me at the end was that the mysterious middle-aged customer had made her cum when she gave him his private dance. Perhaps the story should have been longer. Perhaps we should have found out more about the man - and why he turned her on so much with his 'cute little smirk'. (She doesn't seem very clear about that herself.) I think I wanted a resolution to the mystery.
On a slightly different tack, I'm also interested - maybe fascinated - by female exhibitionism. As well as being sexy, I find it intriguing. I don't really understand the urge some women have to exhibit. I thought you did a pretty reasonable job of trying to explain why your female character likes to dance naked. I don't know if I believe her reasons completely - I imagine most strippers are mainly in it for the money, not the sex - but there must be some erotic charge for a stripper, some of the time at least. Maybe. (I hope.)
I've probably been a little harsh on your story here. However, I only bothered to write this critique in the first place because, as I said, I found the story well-written. I think I'm judging you by a higher standard than the majority of Literotica stories can reach, or even approach. So I hope you post more stories here. This is certainly an interesting start, as far as I'm concerned.
- polynices
Last edited:
latecaller67
Virgin
- Joined
- Nov 1, 2010
- Posts
- 21
Your fundamentals are good. It's refreshing to read something full of complete sentences! 
Hi polynices:
Thanks for your comments on my first submission. Having just read your latest submission (M: An Exhibitionist Woman) I can better understand your statement about women's exhibitionism. Your use of the dairy and it's finder neatly avoided any real discussion as to M's motivations.
I also appreciate (I think) that you held me to a higher standard than some of the other authors. I received a few comments, and they all mentioned that the story is well-written (that is, with the exception of a PM from one very horny 26 year old male in the bay area). The response, though limited, is encouraging enough to try again.
As for your comment that you thought it was a typical male fantasy, well maybe it was. I tried to make it a bit of a parody of the typical fantasy. After all, the old guy was equipped with only his smirk, and a few dollars - he was no well-endowed stud. And, in my experience, interactions at these clubs are typically of short duration and mysterious, enigmas wrapped in condoms, er, conundrums.
It seems every submission is a based on some combination of reality and fantasy, usually more of the latter. Some of the pieces are dressed in mechanics' overalls, and some are in academic regalia, but they all go back to the same motivation.
As to whether I am the narrator, or the old guy, I'll let that remain a mystery.
Thanks for your comments on my first submission. Having just read your latest submission (M: An Exhibitionist Woman) I can better understand your statement about women's exhibitionism. Your use of the dairy and it's finder neatly avoided any real discussion as to M's motivations.
I also appreciate (I think) that you held me to a higher standard than some of the other authors. I received a few comments, and they all mentioned that the story is well-written (that is, with the exception of a PM from one very horny 26 year old male in the bay area). The response, though limited, is encouraging enough to try again.
As for your comment that you thought it was a typical male fantasy, well maybe it was. I tried to make it a bit of a parody of the typical fantasy. After all, the old guy was equipped with only his smirk, and a few dollars - he was no well-endowed stud. And, in my experience, interactions at these clubs are typically of short duration and mysterious, enigmas wrapped in condoms, er, conundrums.
It seems every submission is a based on some combination of reality and fantasy, usually more of the latter. Some of the pieces are dressed in mechanics' overalls, and some are in academic regalia, but they all go back to the same motivation.
As to whether I am the narrator, or the old guy, I'll let that remain a mystery.
