First Time!

[Greyhalm]

Hi everybody here is the link to my first story ...
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=449782

Obviously I am keen to hear any feedback - good or bad. The story is about young/old - Family reluctance etc. There is some truth in the story, question is where does the fact run into fiction?

I have attached a look-alike pic of my Aunt - she really was sexy then.

Greyhalm

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I wasn't going to reply but as no-one else has, I will give you my two cents.

Your story is terrible.

This is a fiction site. Whether your story is true or imaginery, we don't need or want to know. We certainly don't want to see pictures of your aunt.

The whole thing reads like a sexed-up version of a Junior High essay about what I did this summer. There is little plot, less character development and I would have clicked back after the first para except you posted here.

I hate being so negative but you really need to up your game.

 

[Greyhalm]

Well not quite what I hoped for but thanks for your honest opinion and time.
Greyhalm

 

[_Lynn_]

So I checked it out too.

I agree with everything elfin said.

Read some of the stories on the top lists, and by top authors here to see what works.

 

[Greyhalm]

Mistress Lynn again thank for you for your honest opinion and time invested. I see you are also a very experience writer so I take the critic seriously!
Greyhalm

 

[Calliopia]

I'll try to be constructive here...

One of the best suggestions I can give is to read your story out loud. If you find you are stumbling over any sentences then they need to be reworked. Also check the logic of each sentence.

Examples: Just lately I noticed my aunt always wore black nylons and tight black skirts. She always did since I can remember but I was never aware of this.
(If you were never aware of it then how can you remember it. To notice something for later recollection is to be aware of it) Some how I felt this was cool but when ever some sexual tones took over my thoughts I was frightened and thought I would be struck to stone like Sodom and Gomorrah and so I always reverted to my obedient dutiful nephew role. (Please say this sentence out loud. If you need 2-3 breaths to finish a sentence, it is generally too long. Also, felt WHAT was cool. The stockings you weren't aware of?)

Please also reread for sentence completion. I wanted look and see her undo her nylons but I was frightened. The word TO is missing from between wanted and look.

Similar things to this through out. Before you tackle any plot issues or anything like that you need to first fix the sentence and paragraph structure.


Also if in any one sentence or paragraph you find yourself using the same word more than 2-3 times, aside from a, an, the, is, etc, then you need to find a new word. VERY is one you are guilty of abusing. If everything is VERY something then it lacks emphasis. And VERY VERY is not a subsitute. (L)

Hope this helps.

 

[CWatson]

The story was nice.

Read erotic and sex stories.

Visit my website

...Wow, way to be a spammer there.

A hint for you: you'll need to prove that you're worth taking seriously before we click anything of yours. That means saying something that's worth saying. And "the story was nice" is about as helpful as four-toed eggbeater. ("Err, CWatson?" you ask, "what the hell's a four-toed eggbeater?" And I answer, "My point exactly.")

Why did you like the story? Was there anything that particularly stood out for you as being worthy of praise (or for that matter, worthy of condemnation)? Were there things that you liked but know others will not? Were there things you disliked but know others will enjoy? It's nice to be told your story is good. It's much better to be told why.

(Plus, the fact that you disagreed, so carelessly, with two other people who have way more forum cred than you? Doesn't make you look like you're paying attention.)

Ironically: Greyhalm, I also have to disagree with Lynn and elfin. I don't think this is that bad. At the very least, you have a much better command of the language than some people I've seen published on this site. Have you written anything worth reading? I dunno; I didn't go all the way through. But the good news is, whatever you decide to express next, at least you can express it. Which is, again, more than can be said for some other authors who have published here.

(Psst: "loins", plural. Unless you actually do have only one testicle. Which, frankly, I don't want to know about.)

 

[kromen]

At least it wasn't a Nigerian prince

The story was nice.

Read erotic and sex stories.

Visit my website

Unlike CW, I had to bite. You know when you eat peanuts and catch a bad one; the initial explosion of awful that envelopes you, but it's too late to spit it out? I need to quit clicking on things that don't belong to me.



As far as the story at hand, I have to agree with the majority. No need to go in detail, but will encourage you to keep writing. We can only get better.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

In addition to what's been said, you need to go to the writer's resources forum and look for an article titles "How to Make Your Characters Talk."

Aunt: "I want you to wank over my breasts and cover them with you're cum. Do you think you have enough cum left in you to smother my boobs?"

Me: I was shocked when I heard my aunt say wank but I replied, "yes aunt I do."

Aunt: "Good," she said and stood up and removed her slip.

She sat on the bed and released her bra at the back and then lay back keeping her bra over her breasts.

Aunt: "Now come over to me."

In a play this would have been fine, but not in fiction. And the grammar of the quotation line ' I was shocked when I heard my aunt say wank but I replied, "yes aunt I do" ' is just ...

Try I was shocked when I heard my aunt say "wank," but I replied. "Yes, aunt, I do."


Does anyone call their aunt "aunt"? She has a name. Why not use it? It gives an opening to begin characterizing her.

 

[Guest]

Spammer

...Wow, way to be a spammer there.

Uhhh. Yeah. I admit to getting caught by that one. I said "Thanks" then clicked the link. Oh well. New ego, you know.

I felt like an idiot when I hit the next thread and there he was again.

Lesson learned.

and, as far as the story goes, I felt that the basics were there. Incest stories are the rage here. It certainly fits the profile. It needs work, obviously, but I think it important to remember than none of us started out as Ann Rice here. There's potential, I think. The story I have submitted and the one I am working are much better than they would have been without an editor. Grayhalm, You need an editor.

And no, no one wants to see a picture of your aunt. Even if it is only a lookalike. We are oversexed enough to find our own porn, and all of our imaginations are powerful enough to not really need that.

I also agree that none of us really want to know if your story is true or not. For me, not being an incest lover, the thought of it leaving the page and into the real world made it creepy to me. Kind of......disgusting. Someone else may have gotten off over that, though.

~Paul