First time

[scottmcc]

I don't ask you to be gentle, I just ask that you be honest.

1.
In the night I lost my soul the twilight in your eyes dimmed blue
Crushing silence held you there and I became another useless viewer
spirit to spirit you said goodbye
the only one i truly loved


2.
the whispers of the midnight churn
calling light the coward
in sweet darkness the safety lies
to all my brethren
we be shadows near and far
yet we never show
pain to hate we hide no longer
our eyes were meant to see
here my brethren seek them out
discovering emptiness, our daily bread

 

[scottmcc]

This is the right to place to post?

 

[champagne1982]

This is the right to place to post?

Hi Scott. Sometimes a self-directed thread for your poems will net you some feedback but many people are reluctant to offer advice and criticism on someone's poetry when they aren't familiar with your personality and the way you'll accept their efforts on your behalf.

There are threads designed for specific deconstruction and discussion of your poetry, if you so wish. I can recommend reading the sticky threads at the top of the forum index and then posting an introduction and your expectations of critique on your work in the thread Roll Call, also a sticky.

Welcome to the forum and hopefully, you'll offer some feedback to the other Litizens of the Poetry Forum as well. You receive the same as you give.

 

[wildsweetone]

Hi and welcome to the Poetry Forum.

I'm still learning about poetry so keep that in mind when you read my thoughts in bold.

I don't ask you to be gentle, I just ask that you be honest.

1.
In the night I lost my soul the twilight in your eyes dimmed blue(I like this line though it might be better with a different line break. blue for me is not a 'dim' colour.)
Crushing silence held you there and I another useless viewer(I 'became' another - is that what you mean? or is a comma needed after I. Also, perhaps a stanza break is needed here.)
spirit to spirit you said goodbye
the only one i truly loved


2.
the whispers of the midnight churn
calling light the coward
in sweet darkness the safety lies(what 'safety'? the dark?)
to all my brethren
we be shadows near and far
yet we never show
pain to hate we hide no longer(I stumble when reading this line)
our eyes were meant to see
here my brethren seek them out
discovering emptiness, our daily bread

Some more thoughts:

There needs to be some consistency with your punctuation (capital letters and commas - including I and i) and I think the poem would read smoother with correct punctuation throughout, at least to begin with.

Line 2, why the word 'another' - who are the others?

Perhaps if you had a title for this poem it might help tie in the questions that float in my mind.

It would be worth going back to the original idea of the poem and writing it in a more plain language, using concrete imagery - things that I can 'see'. And then comparing the two poems noting which one works better.

I'm not sure any of what I've suggested is of use to you, but they are my thoughts and I hope they are helpful.

I look forward to reading more of your poetry.

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

I don't ask you to be gentle, I just ask that you be honest.

1.
In the night I lost my soul the twilight in your eyes dimmed blue
Crushing silence held you there and I another useless viewer
spirit to spirit you said goodbye
the only one i truly loved


2.
the whispers of the midnight churn
calling light the coward
in sweet darkness the safety lies
to all my brethren
we be shadows near and far
yet we never show
pain to hate we hide no longer
our eyes were meant to see
here my brethren seek them out
discovering emptiness, our daily bread

You have potential;
calling light the coward
discovering emptiness, our daily bread
are two very good lines, the rest sounds "poetic" as if it can go either way depending on what is around it, but too much around it is "sweet darkness" and "Crushing silence". The problem with a poem that has twilight, brethren, shadows, pain, hate, truly loved, is it is stuffed
stuffed with abstractions, stuffed with words you have to consider whether you really want as they are often too overused; not enough "eyes dimmed blue" which is an image that gets across what you want without telling us, we discover it. It is a damn good image. More of that.

Just my take on it.

 

[scottmcc]

Thank you for the feedback, both of ya.

There is supposed to be a 'became' before another. I'll edit them a bit.