First time....

[LatinLady]

ok, so I post on the other sections of lit, but I have never thought to submit any of my work. I'm a bit on the shy side about my poetry only because it's deeply personal. so, here goes nothing


Need

Like a knot in my stomach I can't unwind
Like a ball in my throat I can't clear
Like a flame I can't blow out
It's ever present, nagging, tugging, pulling

Like watching a pot of water that won't boil
Like waiting for the bus that never comes
Like that phone call that won't ring
Worever waiting, wanting, thinking
Need consumes me.

 

[Guest]

Very nice work.

 

[4degrees]

hey there, LL. welcome to these parts. don't worry, there is nearly as much smut in here as in the srp.

 

[Angeline]

ok, so I post on the other sections of lit, but I have never thought to submit any of my work. I'm a bit on the shy side about my poetry only because it's deeply personal. so, here goes nothing


Need

Like a knot in my stomach I can't unwind
Like a ball in my throat I can't clear
Like a flame I can't blow out
It's ever present, nagging, tugging, pulling

Like watching a pot of water that won't boil
Like waiting for the bus that never comes
Like that phone call that won't ring
Worever waiting, wanting, thinking
Need consumes me.

This is an extened simile and I think it's quite good. The images are strong.

Welcome to the poetry forum. I liked reading this and hope you'll submit/post more.


Angeline

 

[Sins666]

ok, so I post on the other sections of lit, but I have never thought to submit any of my work. I'm a bit on the shy side about my poetry only because it's deeply personal. so, here goes nothing


Need

Like a knot in my stomach I can't unwind
Like a ball in my throat I can't clear
Like a flame I can't blow out
It's ever present, nagging, tugging, pulling

Like watching a pot of water that won't boil
Like waiting for the bus that never comes
Like that phone call that won't ring
Worever waiting, wanting, thinking
Need consumes me.

Good work. It almost reads like that song "Ironic" by Alanis Morrisett(SP?) except your not attempting to be ironic and failing miserably at it. Feel free to share more.

 

[Jennifer C]

ok, so I post on the other sections of lit, but I have never thought to submit any of my work. I'm a bit on the shy side about my poetry only because it's deeply personal. so, here goes nothing


Need

Like a knot in my stomach I can't unwind
Like a ball in my throat I can't clear
Like a flame I can't blow out
It's ever present, nagging, tugging, pulling

Like watching a pot of water that won't boil
Like waiting for the bus that never comes
Like that phone call that won't ring
Worever waiting, wanting, thinking
Need consumes me.

Welcome to the poetry side of Lit LL, I like your poem very much, it makes me feel all those emotions you are trying to express...Nice work.

I look forward to reading more...

 

[LatinLady]

Thanks for the support ... and 4degrees you devil !

Here's another one ...

Passion's kiss, like a wildfire
spreading slowly up my spine
Passion's kiss, like goosepimples
passing slowly across my skin
Passion's kiss, like the warm sun
heating slowly across my face
Passion's kiss, like the ocean's spray
sprinkling slowly across my lips

 

[Rybka]

ok, so I post on the other sections of lit, but I have never thought to submit any of my work. I'm a bit on the shy side about my poetry only because it's deeply personal. so, here goes nothing


Need

Like a knot in my stomach I can't unwind
Like a ball in my throat I can't clear
Like a flame I can't blow out
It's ever present, nagging, tugging, pulling

Like watching a pot of water that won't boil
Like waiting for the bus that never comes
Like that phone call that won't ring
Worever waiting, wanting, thinking
Need consumes me.

I assume that "W" leading the penultimate line should be an "F" ? If you ever decide to try a rewrite you might want to consider removing some of the "like"s. They really aren't all needed.
Repeating the first word makes it look like a list, and list poems are very hard to make work.

Thanks for sharing!

 

[J.Doe]

Here's another one ...

Passion's kiss, like a wildfire
spreading slowly up my spine
Passion's kiss, like goosepimples
passing slowly across my skin
Passion's kiss, like the warm sun
heating slowly across my face
Passion's kiss, like the ocean's spray
sprinkling slowly across my lips

Four less 'Passion's kiss' would make this a better poem.

 

[annaswirls]

Thanks for the support ... and 4degrees you devil !

Here's another one ...

Passion's kiss, like a wildfire
spreading slowly up my spine
Passion's kiss, like goosepimples
passing slowly across my skin
Passion's kiss, like the warm sun
heating slowly across my face
Passion's kiss, like the ocean's spray
sprinkling slowly across my lips

Welcome to the world of Lit poetry! I agree with the other commenters on a few things-- the like and repetition of the beginning of a line.

I just have one more thing for you to consider. I am not big on grammer, so I do not know the right word for it-- words that end in 'ing. Verbs that is. Often do not come off as strong as other tenses. Just give it a shot. Sometimes it makes a poem work better, sometimes it doesn't. I so often start off with 'ing all over and go through and de-ing my work.

Passion's kiss, like a wildfire
spreads slowly up my spine
as goosepimples pass
slowly across my skin

All the best! Stick around, you will find a lot of talented and generous people here.

~anna

 

[Jennifer C]

ok, so I post on the other sections of lit, but I have never thought to submit any of my work. I'm a bit on the shy side about my poetry only because it's deeply personal. so, here goes nothing


Need

Like a knot in my stomach I can't unwind
Like a ball in my throat I can't clear
Like a flame I can't blow out
It's ever present, nagging, tugging, pulling

Like watching a pot of water that won't boil
Like waiting for the bus that never comes
Like that phone call that won't ring
Worever waiting, wanting, thinking
Need consumes me.

I like your work ~

Welcome to the poetry forum

 

[champagne1982]

Hi LatinLady,

You have a wonderful, innate sense of rhythm. I'm sure there are aspects of your life experience that you could use to illustrate all of the emotions you're telling us about in your poetry. Can you try a small exercise?

For instance, in your poem Need, you have created a list of similes and haven't put a story inside it.

To colour your poem, create a character, sitting in the kitchen, waiting for the pot to boil, with a lump in her throat she cannot swallow, looking at a flickering candle that has her trapped in thoughts of a nagging memory...

Can you make us feel her need? Just a thought, you don't have to even share the results with anyone. I would love to see your poetry blossom fuller, with instances of real living, that everyone who reads them can understand, and want to read more.

Good luck!

 

[LatinLady]

Thanks everyone!! I am a complete novice at this. I'll try your exercise champagne1982, thanks for the feedback.

 

[Jennifer C]

I look forward to reading more of your work