First time writing a non-romantic story -- feedback desired

[toffeegyrl]

I wrote this in an odd mood; it's not my usual fare (there's little romantic about it, and it's rather sad), but I'm too close to it to be really objective about whether it's good or not.

Could you please offer detailed feedback about this? Someone told me it was "harsh" -- do you think so? Is there anything at all erotic about this? Just tossing some questions about, but I'd love to hear whatever you have to say about the story.

Truth Vs. Appearances

 

[jfinn]

I don't usually give critiques because I'm not very good at it, but I read your story and I loved it. Maybe it will make a few people uncomfortable because it might hit a little close to home, but that's one of the things I thought was so good about it. I like a hint of realism in stories and this one had that and more.

One question I did have about it was why the woman was still with this guy if she felt the way she did. Personally I'd be interested in her motivation to have sex with a man that she was so betrayed by.

The only other problem I had was with some of the sentence structure. It was a little long and punctuation didn't help to make it an easy read. But that was more in the first couple of paragraphs. After that it either got better or I was drawn into the story enough that I no longer noticed.

I wish I could be more specific, but as my editor would more than agree, I'm no grammarian so I really can't pinpoint it better. I know you wanted detailed criticism but I warned you I was lousy at this. Still I wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed the story.

Jayne

 

[dr_mabeuse]

God, you write well! I'm really really impressed. I think that must be some of the best stylized prose I've seen on this site, if not the best. The language is fresh, direct, vibrant, and poetic. The piece itself takes a bit of time to find its feet, but once it gets going, it runs along fine.

I think though that the first three or four paragraphs are terribly confusing. You've got parenthetical thoughts inside parenthetical thoughts, giving us so much information that I didn't know which end was up for a long time. And when I started thinking that the whole piece was going to be like that I was ready to bail out.

This is what I would actually call anti-erotic writing. Erotica idealizes sex to make it seem better than it is, and this one makes sex so self-consciously unappealing that we might never want to do it again. Is that what a woman thinks about during sex? Probably, but, Jesus, I wish you hadn't told me that! No, really, it's terribly realistic, probably too realistic to qualify as erotica, but where else could you put this?

It could be that I'm just to used to the pap that I usually read here. This piece stands out like a pearl in the mud.

So: I would say you've got to clean up the start and integrate the back information more smoothly into the action. I don't like fashbacks during sex, (but it's too damn bad about what I don't like.) I wouldn't give so much detail in the flashbacks though. It gets confused with the present.

What else can I say? I think you're prodigously talented.

If only you'd use your powers for good, instead of evil!

---dr.M.

 

[Graymouse]

I'm sorry I don't have time for a really in-depth critique. There were a few piddly grammar mistakes, for what it's worth . . . but I didn't actually post this to say that; what I wanted to say, really, was . . . wow. I second essentially everything Dr. Mabeuse said. You have an amazing writing style and a great sense of imagery and character development. No, I don't think this was an erotic piece--it motivated me much more so to go cry in the corner than to get all hot and bothered--but it is a very, very good piece of writing. I especially liked the last lines. Seriously, thank you ever so much for posting stuff like this to counteract the mountains of crap around here (to which I myself will likely contribute . . . )

 

[justgem]

.

 

[Guest]

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=142904

You're welcome.

I am a slave.

*sigh*

 

[toffeegyrl]

...it was very sad, hmmm how to put this? it made me feel empty. and i believe that was your intention; to express the emptiness the woman felt. i understood her feelings very well, your descriptions made it easy to empathize with her character.

I'm glad you enjoyed it (as much as it could have been, given the subject matter. This indeed was my intention, to convey the emptiness and sadness of a dead relationship one, for some reason or another can neither let go of nor participate in.

Sadly, it is true, but one I thought needed to be written.

I'll work on the parenthetical bits and clarity; thank you all for your opinions and insight (by all means, keep 'em coming!)