MasterJere
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first time writer needs help...
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PennLady
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I think nakdsub has good points, but I'm going on the premise that what you've given here is some basic ideas, not the whole story. If it is the whole story it is too fast and likely too short (Lit has a 750-word minimum).
So, presuming that you intended to flesh (haha) this out --
Do not "tell" us that Eve is strong, etc. Show us. Show us interacting with people, and what she says and what her body language is like. Is she the quiet type? Is she loud and brassy, enjoys a good joke? Does she fantasize about rough sex, or any of the things that happen to her in the story?
I don't know how many women "admire" themselves in the mirror, although I'm sure many do. But is Eve admiring, or assessing? Does she like what she sees? Maybe not, despite any approving remarks?
Who, in fact, is doing this to her? You could have interludes from the captor's point of view (POV), even if you don't name the person.
You could add tension by having Eve try to puzzle out her surroundings. Can she hear or smell anything? Is it hot or cold? What is she laying on? What happens when she realizes she is restrained? (BTW, "wave of pure knowledge" is a weird analogy; I'd change it. Something like "She tried to move her arms and then her legs, and was paralyzed by the realization that she was restrained.")
To answer your question about whether it's worth continuing -- that's up to you. If you want to write it, then do so. If not, then don't. There is a huge readership here and you absolutely cannot please everyone.
So, presuming that you intended to flesh (haha) this out --
Do not "tell" us that Eve is strong, etc. Show us. Show us interacting with people, and what she says and what her body language is like. Is she the quiet type? Is she loud and brassy, enjoys a good joke? Does she fantasize about rough sex, or any of the things that happen to her in the story?
I don't know how many women "admire" themselves in the mirror, although I'm sure many do. But is Eve admiring, or assessing? Does she like what she sees? Maybe not, despite any approving remarks?
Who, in fact, is doing this to her? You could have interludes from the captor's point of view (POV), even if you don't name the person.
You could add tension by having Eve try to puzzle out her surroundings. Can she hear or smell anything? Is it hot or cold? What is she laying on? What happens when she realizes she is restrained? (BTW, "wave of pure knowledge" is a weird analogy; I'd change it. Something like "She tried to move her arms and then her legs, and was paralyzed by the realization that she was restrained.")
To answer your question about whether it's worth continuing -- that's up to you. If you want to write it, then do so. If not, then don't. There is a huge readership here and you absolutely cannot please everyone.
MaxSebastian
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I agree with PennLady (and nakdsub on the punctuation/submitting points). This reads like notes for a first chapter to me - just sketches, no real detail. You need a whole lot more detail in this story - more description of what's going on (not skipping over the plot in the way you do), more characters and dialog, and more internal monologue.
You need a lot more insight into who she is, what's going on, and to add some life to the piece, you need a whole load of interaction with other characters.
I can tell you're trying to weave some mystery into this by not having any other characters speaking throughout (we're presumably supposed to wait for the next part of the tale to find out who is doing all this), but that's a huge mistake you often see in first time writers.
Get some more characters in there, that's the first major step. We only really identify or engage with a protagonist based on how they interact with others, and the major way to do that is through dialog.
Okay, so your title is 'voiceless master, voiceless slave'. Get rid of that philosophy straight away!
On internal monologue (sorry, that might be 'monolog' in US spelling) you've told us a little about how she feels here and there (her loneliness, proud at her body), but we need to know more about how she's feeling as she experiences the events. Have her mentally ask questions about what's going on, what's happening to her.
As PennLady said, have her try to puzzle out what's going on, piece together the clues. Give us some real emotion - she's terrified! How does that affect her? She's also turned on - what's that about? Is there something wrong with her? Along with the conflict with her kidnappers, where's the internal conflict - she's terrified, but also turned on. Why is it so arousing while she's so scared? Does she think there's something wrong with her?
Incidentally, internal monolog should be prompted or provoked by something, in my view. Thoughts should come from somewhere, some kind of inspiration good or bad. People don't just walk along the street and think about their lives (even though it's an easy way to get a little backstory in, it seems amateurish). Something has to make them think about their lives. On her way home from her enviable, high-powered job at a pharmaceutical company in the city, Eve passes a couple of teenagers engaged in a passionate kiss, and a sharp pang of loneliness hits her. God, it's been so long since she had any attention from a man.
On description - make sure it's active description as things are happening, not just a wedge of prose listing various adjectives related to the scene. You can integrate this with her internal monolog by describing things as she sees/feels/smells/hears/tastes it (and do remember to use all senses). And having a character admire herself in a mirror in order to show us what she looks like is a little cliche these days in my opinion.
When you get to the real action, once she's been kidnapped, take us through it step by step building the tension and fear, assisted by Eve's internal monolog to guide us. What's happening to her? What can she tell about her surroundings? Don't just suddenly start slapping pussy - the torment should start slowly, and build. She hears footsteps approaching her. Feels someone's breath on her face.
I think there's a lot to work on, but along with these thoughts, my advice is to read other peoples' stories a lot more and try to notice how they tell their tales.
And the kidnapper(s) has to talk - it's going to be dull otherwise.
You need a lot more insight into who she is, what's going on, and to add some life to the piece, you need a whole load of interaction with other characters.
I can tell you're trying to weave some mystery into this by not having any other characters speaking throughout (we're presumably supposed to wait for the next part of the tale to find out who is doing all this), but that's a huge mistake you often see in first time writers.
Get some more characters in there, that's the first major step. We only really identify or engage with a protagonist based on how they interact with others, and the major way to do that is through dialog.
Okay, so your title is 'voiceless master, voiceless slave'. Get rid of that philosophy straight away!
On internal monologue (sorry, that might be 'monolog' in US spelling) you've told us a little about how she feels here and there (her loneliness, proud at her body), but we need to know more about how she's feeling as she experiences the events. Have her mentally ask questions about what's going on, what's happening to her.
As PennLady said, have her try to puzzle out what's going on, piece together the clues. Give us some real emotion - she's terrified! How does that affect her? She's also turned on - what's that about? Is there something wrong with her? Along with the conflict with her kidnappers, where's the internal conflict - she's terrified, but also turned on. Why is it so arousing while she's so scared? Does she think there's something wrong with her?
Incidentally, internal monolog should be prompted or provoked by something, in my view. Thoughts should come from somewhere, some kind of inspiration good or bad. People don't just walk along the street and think about their lives (even though it's an easy way to get a little backstory in, it seems amateurish). Something has to make them think about their lives. On her way home from her enviable, high-powered job at a pharmaceutical company in the city, Eve passes a couple of teenagers engaged in a passionate kiss, and a sharp pang of loneliness hits her. God, it's been so long since she had any attention from a man.
On description - make sure it's active description as things are happening, not just a wedge of prose listing various adjectives related to the scene. You can integrate this with her internal monolog by describing things as she sees/feels/smells/hears/tastes it (and do remember to use all senses). And having a character admire herself in a mirror in order to show us what she looks like is a little cliche these days in my opinion.
When you get to the real action, once she's been kidnapped, take us through it step by step building the tension and fear, assisted by Eve's internal monolog to guide us. What's happening to her? What can she tell about her surroundings? Don't just suddenly start slapping pussy - the torment should start slowly, and build. She hears footsteps approaching her. Feels someone's breath on her face.
I think there's a lot to work on, but along with these thoughts, my advice is to read other peoples' stories a lot more and try to notice how they tell their tales.
And the kidnapper(s) has to talk - it's going to be dull otherwise.
candyflossbaby
Experienced
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- Jul 11, 2012
- Posts
- 32
keep writing
the idea is a good one! as others have said though, it is still quite basic. just go through it again and add a alot more description and a little more depth. i'm still new to writing myself, but my advice is take all the advice you can get, good and bad!
i find the critism is helping me when i write my newer pieces as i'm thinking about what those readers would want from me.
i hope u continue and im sure u will blossom into a great writer!
XX
the idea is a good one! as others have said though, it is still quite basic. just go through it again and add a alot more description and a little more depth. i'm still new to writing myself, but my advice is take all the advice you can get, good and bad!
i find the critism is helping me when i write my newer pieces as i'm thinking about what those readers would want from me.
i hope u continue and im sure u will blossom into a great writer!
XX
elfin_odalisque
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2004
- Posts
- 10,056
I think Max, nakd and Penn give great advice.
A story, especially on Lit, needs to start with a 'wham-bam' but you start with a description. To get people to read your story you need to jump into the action. For me, you'd do better starting with Eve waking up to her awareness of her captors and reacting as max and Penn suggested.
In stories, erotic or otherwise, the page-turner is how your heroine reacts to the stimuli she receives.
You say, 'a voiceless master/slave'.That is a recipe for a low score. We want to empathise with one or both of the protagonists and you need to fill out the characters to get us gunning for one or the other in 3-D.
Again, as has been said, you have the premise for a BDSM story but you haven't fleshed out the plot clearly.
A story, especially on Lit, needs to start with a 'wham-bam' but you start with a description. To get people to read your story you need to jump into the action. For me, you'd do better starting with Eve waking up to her awareness of her captors and reacting as max and Penn suggested.
In stories, erotic or otherwise, the page-turner is how your heroine reacts to the stimuli she receives.
You say, 'a voiceless master/slave'.That is a recipe for a low score. We want to empathise with one or both of the protagonists and you need to fill out the characters to get us gunning for one or the other in 3-D.
Again, as has been said, you have the premise for a BDSM story but you haven't fleshed out the plot clearly.
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