FinePhilly
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- Joined
- Nov 19, 2004
- Posts
- 25,166
I've been working on my first ever Literotica story for weeks.
I'd really like some feedback on it and also someone that can help me with my tendancy towards run on paragraphs.
The story is in WORD format, and I'll post a few excerpts here in hopes of generating some interest:
It is non consent/reluctance theme. Keep in mind that I spent a good deal of effort developing the characters far beyond what you'll read here. The story is 11 pages long, so there's a bit of a buildup. I am open to suggestions, even including shortening it, but I just wanted to give all of you wonderful editors a taste of my writing style and hopefully someone will want to read the whole thing.
(portions of) "AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT"
Your lips were on mine before I even realized what had happened. God, your mouth felt so good, and I felt my body respond instantly to your kiss. Your tongue penetrated my mouth and I arched my body into yours, wanting more. Just as your hands were pressing the back of my neck into your kiss, my senses caught up with me and I broke away from you. “Luke, please. I can’t…” I started to say. “I’m married!” You looked at me for a moment and then lowered your eyes. “I know. I understand. I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have….” “It’s OK…just please understand…” I stammered. “I know. I know. I’ll see you tomorrow” you said, and then you were out the door.
(A few pages later)
As I opened the bathroom door and stepped back out into the room, I suddenly felt a pair of strong arms wrap around me and throw me down onto the bed. You must have been waiting for me to open the door because you were pinning me on bed, struggling on top of me before I even knew what had happened. “Luke, get off. What are you doing?” I demanded, struggling against you. You said nothing and I suddenly felt something tighten around my wrist and felt my arm being jerked away from my body. I realized then that you had tied my wrist with rope to the head of the bed and were pinning my other arm, trying to tie that as well. I started to yell but your hand came down over my mouth with so much pressure that I could hardly breathe. With your other hand, you finished pulling my other arm up over my head. Then I felt you stuff something in my mouth. I couldn’t tell what it was, but I was unable to make a sound.
I couldn’t believe it. Five minutes ago we had been planning the rest of our day, now here I was, tied to your bed unable to move my arms or speak. Just as I thought about kicking at you with my feet, you spoke. “I’ve been waiting for this moment for years” you said in a husky voice. “I’ll admit I didn’t think it was going to be quite like this, but it’s just as well. I know now what I have to do for us to be together. Your conscience won’t allow you to cheat on your husband, but your body wants me, just as I want you.” I started to shake my head, but you stopped me. “Don’t even try to deny it, darling. I felt the way you kissed me last night. I knew then that we would be together. I also knew that my gift to you would be taking away the cheating issue. It’s not cheating if you can’t control it. Am I right, darling?”
(a few pages later)
You knelt behind me on the bed, and began running your fingers up and down the length of my slit, teasing me. I felt so vulnerable there on my hands and knees while you inspected me from behind. You worked two fingers inside of me and rubbed my clit with your thumb. I began moaning softly from the intense sensations. Just as you began to get into a rhythm with your fingers, you withdrew them from me, leaving me feeling very empty. “Tell me that you want me!” you said suddenly. I moaned softly, hoping that would suffice. SLAP! Your hand came down across my buttocks so hard that I cried out in pain and surprise. SLAP! This time the stinging pain was centered on my cunt. “You are to respond when I speak, you little cocktease! Tell me that you want me!” Your voice was angry. SLAP! You hit my ass again. “Yes..please stop!” I begged, trying not to sob. “I want you. I want you to fuck me. Please fuck me. I need you!”
Obviously there's much more, but I'm really hoping to find someone to help me with the editing and offer constructive criticism. Thank you! Please PM me if you'd like to do it!
I'd really like some feedback on it and also someone that can help me with my tendancy towards run on paragraphs.
The story is in WORD format, and I'll post a few excerpts here in hopes of generating some interest:
It is non consent/reluctance theme. Keep in mind that I spent a good deal of effort developing the characters far beyond what you'll read here. The story is 11 pages long, so there's a bit of a buildup. I am open to suggestions, even including shortening it, but I just wanted to give all of you wonderful editors a taste of my writing style and hopefully someone will want to read the whole thing.
(portions of) "AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT"
Your lips were on mine before I even realized what had happened. God, your mouth felt so good, and I felt my body respond instantly to your kiss. Your tongue penetrated my mouth and I arched my body into yours, wanting more. Just as your hands were pressing the back of my neck into your kiss, my senses caught up with me and I broke away from you. “Luke, please. I can’t…” I started to say. “I’m married!” You looked at me for a moment and then lowered your eyes. “I know. I understand. I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have….” “It’s OK…just please understand…” I stammered. “I know. I know. I’ll see you tomorrow” you said, and then you were out the door.
(A few pages later)
As I opened the bathroom door and stepped back out into the room, I suddenly felt a pair of strong arms wrap around me and throw me down onto the bed. You must have been waiting for me to open the door because you were pinning me on bed, struggling on top of me before I even knew what had happened. “Luke, get off. What are you doing?” I demanded, struggling against you. You said nothing and I suddenly felt something tighten around my wrist and felt my arm being jerked away from my body. I realized then that you had tied my wrist with rope to the head of the bed and were pinning my other arm, trying to tie that as well. I started to yell but your hand came down over my mouth with so much pressure that I could hardly breathe. With your other hand, you finished pulling my other arm up over my head. Then I felt you stuff something in my mouth. I couldn’t tell what it was, but I was unable to make a sound.
I couldn’t believe it. Five minutes ago we had been planning the rest of our day, now here I was, tied to your bed unable to move my arms or speak. Just as I thought about kicking at you with my feet, you spoke. “I’ve been waiting for this moment for years” you said in a husky voice. “I’ll admit I didn’t think it was going to be quite like this, but it’s just as well. I know now what I have to do for us to be together. Your conscience won’t allow you to cheat on your husband, but your body wants me, just as I want you.” I started to shake my head, but you stopped me. “Don’t even try to deny it, darling. I felt the way you kissed me last night. I knew then that we would be together. I also knew that my gift to you would be taking away the cheating issue. It’s not cheating if you can’t control it. Am I right, darling?”
(a few pages later)
You knelt behind me on the bed, and began running your fingers up and down the length of my slit, teasing me. I felt so vulnerable there on my hands and knees while you inspected me from behind. You worked two fingers inside of me and rubbed my clit with your thumb. I began moaning softly from the intense sensations. Just as you began to get into a rhythm with your fingers, you withdrew them from me, leaving me feeling very empty. “Tell me that you want me!” you said suddenly. I moaned softly, hoping that would suffice. SLAP! Your hand came down across my buttocks so hard that I cried out in pain and surprise. SLAP! This time the stinging pain was centered on my cunt. “You are to respond when I speak, you little cocktease! Tell me that you want me!” Your voice was angry. SLAP! You hit my ass again. “Yes..please stop!” I begged, trying not to sob. “I want you. I want you to fuck me. Please fuck me. I need you!”
Obviously there's much more, but I'm really hoping to find someone to help me with the editing and offer constructive criticism. Thank you! Please PM me if you'd like to do it!
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