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tspboy
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vanmyers86
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2018
- Posts
- 480
This is very bare bones. It needs action and sensory description. Here's my suggestion:
Dressed in a neatly pressed business suit, Steve (last name) walked in the head office of XYZ Corporation. [What does Steve see? Is he in a large, imposing skyscraper? Is it posh, modest, tidy, grimy? Does he hear the sounds of heels and roller-bags on the tile floor? Can he smell coffee or floor cleaner?]
Walking [calmly? anxiously?] to the front desk, he handed the receptionist a business card, which she turned over as she studied it. Frowning, she noticed the name of the HR head name on it. She looked up, [puzzled? Suspicious? Impressed?]. “How may I help you, sir?”
Steve smiled. “I have a scheduled appointment with your HR Head. Could you please let him know that I’m here?”
Turning away from Steve, she gazed at a broad keyboard and punched a couple of buttons. “I’m calling him right now, sir.” She nodded at the waiting area nearby. “Please take a seat – there’s coffee and bottled water at the back if you’d like something to drink – and I’ll let you know when he’s ready to see you.”
From the waiting room, Steve kept an eye on the woman. A low buzz sounded, and she spoke into her headset, looking [worried? Intrigued? Flabbergasted?]
After a few seconds, she strolled over to Steve, who rose politely. “He’ll see you in Meeting Room Three – down the hall, fourth door on the right.” She paused. “Good luck.”
Dressed in a neatly pressed business suit, Steve (last name) walked in the head office of XYZ Corporation. [What does Steve see? Is he in a large, imposing skyscraper? Is it posh, modest, tidy, grimy? Does he hear the sounds of heels and roller-bags on the tile floor? Can he smell coffee or floor cleaner?]
Walking [calmly? anxiously?] to the front desk, he handed the receptionist a business card, which she turned over as she studied it. Frowning, she noticed the name of the HR head name on it. She looked up, [puzzled? Suspicious? Impressed?]. “How may I help you, sir?”
Steve smiled. “I have a scheduled appointment with your HR Head. Could you please let him know that I’m here?”
Turning away from Steve, she gazed at a broad keyboard and punched a couple of buttons. “I’m calling him right now, sir.” She nodded at the waiting area nearby. “Please take a seat – there’s coffee and bottled water at the back if you’d like something to drink – and I’ll let you know when he’s ready to see you.”
From the waiting room, Steve kept an eye on the woman. A low buzz sounded, and she spoke into her headset, looking [worried? Intrigued? Flabbergasted?]
After a few seconds, she strolled over to Steve, who rose politely. “He’ll see you in Meeting Room Three – down the hall, fourth door on the right.” She paused. “Good luck.”
I echo the other comment. Describing the environment and what the characters are thinking and feeling is critical for bringing a story to life. The examples in the other comment were excellent and I would read THAT story. The tension created by the receptionists words and actions were a master class in foreshadowing some drama that was going to take place in "Mr. Steves" meeting.
Beyond the lack of detail, I would suggest a different format. Your story reads like a screenplay and the dialogue is very robotic. The verbal exchange between "Mr.Steve" and the receptionist was unnatural. Human beings don't talk like that.
Good luck on your writing journey.
Beyond the lack of detail, I would suggest a different format. Your story reads like a screenplay and the dialogue is very robotic. The verbal exchange between "Mr.Steve" and the receptionist was unnatural. Human beings don't talk like that.
Good luck on your writing journey.
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MohanSingh
Really Experienced
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- Nov 10, 2018
- Posts
- 150
This is not a story. It is barely an intro. Get some work done and post it up.
Bramblethorn
Sleep-deprived
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- Feb 16, 2012
- Posts
- 18,293
It's "only an intro" because the mod edited it down to three paragraphs - the forums aren't the place for full stories.
OP - if you want to get feedback on the whole thing, you'll need to find somebody willing to look at it and send it to them via email/etc.
SimonDoom
Kink Lord
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2015
- Posts
- 19,048
A few thoughts:
1. Make sure you have the nuts and bolts of handling and formatting dialogue nailed down. If the way you've written it is the way you planned to do it in the story, then you need to rework it. One of the surest ways to turn readers off is to use irregular formatting.
2. Don't handle dialogue this way: Receptionist: "How may I help you sir?"
Do it something like this:
The receptionist took his card and glanced at it.
"How may I help you, sir?" she asked.
3. I recommend using past tense unless there's some special reason you want to use present tense.
4. Punctuate. The very first sentence of your story is missing commas. It's important to get off to a good start, both in terms of narrative and in terms of mechanics.
5. I would quibble a bit with vanmyers' suggestions, because almost all the sentences in the suggested rewrite begin with introductory phrases. Instead, mix it up. For the sake of variety, some sentences should start with an introductory phrase (e.g., "Dressed in a neatly pressed business suit,"), but some sentences should start with the subject of the main clause (e.g., "He handed the receptionist a business card"). Variety is crucial to good prose.
6. I suggest beginning your story with a more interesting first sentence. Write something that says more about what Steve is feeling or doing. The first sentence is dull.
1. Make sure you have the nuts and bolts of handling and formatting dialogue nailed down. If the way you've written it is the way you planned to do it in the story, then you need to rework it. One of the surest ways to turn readers off is to use irregular formatting.
2. Don't handle dialogue this way: Receptionist: "How may I help you sir?"
Do it something like this:
The receptionist took his card and glanced at it.
"How may I help you, sir?" she asked.
3. I recommend using past tense unless there's some special reason you want to use present tense.
4. Punctuate. The very first sentence of your story is missing commas. It's important to get off to a good start, both in terms of narrative and in terms of mechanics.
5. I would quibble a bit with vanmyers' suggestions, because almost all the sentences in the suggested rewrite begin with introductory phrases. Instead, mix it up. For the sake of variety, some sentences should start with an introductory phrase (e.g., "Dressed in a neatly pressed business suit,"), but some sentences should start with the subject of the main clause (e.g., "He handed the receptionist a business card"). Variety is crucial to good prose.
6. I suggest beginning your story with a more interesting first sentence. Write something that says more about what Steve is feeling or doing. The first sentence is dull.
Enchantment_of_Nyx
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 22, 2020
- Posts
- 1,427
Geez, guys. Have a little mercy with the red pens. Even valid, objectively accurate criticism can be more discouraging than constructive if it's delivered with a giant mallet.
Since the story got snipped to a tiny fragment, we got practically nothing of the feel of the story. Apart from technical issues, I feel there's little to talk about.
James, if you want to get feedback on an unpublished story, as Bramblethorn suggests, one option would be the volunteer editor program. By some accounts, the quality of the editors in the program is mixed, but it's place to start. There's link to it on the bar on the left of the screen on your console when you log in.
You could also describe your premise here, if you just want ideas about story concept. That wouldn't help you with the technical aspects, but it could be one step in the process.
Since the story got snipped to a tiny fragment, we got practically nothing of the feel of the story. Apart from technical issues, I feel there's little to talk about.
James, if you want to get feedback on an unpublished story, as Bramblethorn suggests, one option would be the volunteer editor program. By some accounts, the quality of the editors in the program is mixed, but it's place to start. There's link to it on the bar on the left of the screen on your console when you log in.
You could also describe your premise here, if you just want ideas about story concept. That wouldn't help you with the technical aspects, but it could be one step in the process.
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