SoftPorn4u
Virgin
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- Feb 20, 2014
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First time story on literotica
- Thread starter SoftPorn4u
- Start date
PennLady
Literotica Guru
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Not entirely sure what kind of feedback you want, but here are some thoughts.
The entire story is "told" to the reader. I realize it's the first part of a story, but still. Some dialogue and such to make the characters a bit more interesting or at least defined would have helped, I think.
You do have some misspellings. In the first sentence, you have "burred" (which is word) when you meant "buried." This is the kind of thing an editor or at least another reader can help with, as it's hard to pick up yourself. Especially when you know what word you want - you see it even if it isn't there.
The first paragraph is also repetitive. We get three phrases in a row telling us that Dwayne was moving slowly. Once is enough. And again although "loosing" is a word, I think at least a couple of times you wanted "losing."
"Tuff" in this instance isn't slang exactly. If someone had been speaking it, maybe. Or if you'd been quoting a sign or something it would have been okay. But this just looks lazy, as does the use of numbers when you should spell them out.
This sentence doesn't even make sense, although I know what you mean:
And the graph describing Lynn finding her friends in the act -- "happen" should be "happened," "6" should be "six," and why is she just walking into someone's apartment without even knocking, even if her boyfriend is there?
The entire story is "told" to the reader. I realize it's the first part of a story, but still. Some dialogue and such to make the characters a bit more interesting or at least defined would have helped, I think.
You do have some misspellings. In the first sentence, you have "burred" (which is word) when you meant "buried." This is the kind of thing an editor or at least another reader can help with, as it's hard to pick up yourself. Especially when you know what word you want - you see it even if it isn't there.
The first paragraph is also repetitive. We get three phrases in a row telling us that Dwayne was moving slowly. Once is enough. And again although "loosing" is a word, I think at least a couple of times you wanted "losing."
"Tuff" in this instance isn't slang exactly. If someone had been speaking it, maybe. Or if you'd been quoting a sign or something it would have been okay. But this just looks lazy, as does the use of numbers when you should spell them out.
This sentence doesn't even make sense, although I know what you mean:
And the graph describing Lynn finding her friends in the act -- "happen" should be "happened," "6" should be "six," and why is she just walking into someone's apartment without even knocking, even if her boyfriend is there?
PennLady
Literotica Guru
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- Mar 26, 2009
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SoftPorn4u
Virgin
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- Feb 20, 2014
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- 2
Thanks...
Thanks for the feedback, I admit dialog isn't that easy for me. Something I will have to work on along with spelling and grammar.
Thanks for the feedback, I admit dialog isn't that easy for me. Something I will have to work on along with spelling and grammar.
