First time posting

[timothystifler]

What do you think?

Hey guys!

So I went through the 'read me' thread, hopefully I wouldn't post anything that doesn't abides w the rules or anything but if I do I'd greatly appreciate if you guys guide me through it so this is something new I wrote, no offense to anyone.

Here goes!

A tug on your hair,
your nails deep in my back.
Sliding in you so easily,
marks and bites on my neck.

Our breaths get heavy,
we’re engulf by the lust.
One night wouldn’t suffice,
we’ll be at it from dawn till dusk.

I’m caressing your thighs,
moving up to your hips.
Pulling you towards me,
as I nibble your succulent lips.

You squirm and shake,
quiver and shudder.
You moan in satisfaction,
as you rupture in pleasure.

You beg for me to come,
in you to slowly breed.
Your wish I will fulfill,
to please your sexual greed.

T

 

[Senna Jawa]

Line 4:

marks ... on my neck.​

How can you see, how can you know (specifically, at the time)? You can't. Then don't write it. Let your poem be sensual, let the senses talk, directly, not any textbook knowledge or life experience.

Line 6:

we’re engulf by the lust. ​

That's not poetry. Forget such summaries, talking, generalities. They make your poem uninteresting, boring.

Lines 7-8:

One night wouldn’t suffice,
we’ll be at it from dawn till dusk.​

Too much knowledge, too much planning and of selfconscienceness. The phrase "be at it" is a cliched colloquialism, unnecessarily crude, primitive.

Line 15:

You moan in satisfaction, ​

That "in satisfaction" phrase is poetically dumb, it kills the effect (erect of the simple "You moan". What is that "satisfaction", some legal term, medical, a high school essay intellectual achievement, ...? Forget it. Write poetry.

I don't like the rest of the poem either. Just compare your cliched and boring line 17

You beg for me to come,​

with something spontaneous like:

you mumble Come! Come in me!​

Anyway, you need something more individual, less generic, to get a poem. Also, while you should write just a down to earth report, with consists only of carefully selected few details filtered out of a miriad of things which are irrelevant to your composition (or even would diminish the effect), at the same time your report should have potential for a metaphor which goes far beyond the direct scene itself.

Finally, you zeroed exclusively on the sexual act. It's like describing sugar in a dish. Even cooks would not be interested, they already know. You could add whatever would serve your distant goal. Perhaps window was open, perhaps there was a phone ringing through a wall next to you, there was a smell of neighbors Indian cooking in the air, a tv was rumbling or a high school band from a football stadium nearby made the bed tremble (or a table or the window glass)... There are all kind of possibilities (but they have to be justified artistically). Another possibility is to alternate the sexual impressions with some thoughts... Anything... just don't make it so 1-dimensional, boring and flat. Why? We don't even know anything individual about the two partners, nothing. Are they two faceless robots?

Good luck,

 

[timothystifler]

Hey senna! I thought of what you said and it's really helpful! Made me rethink and read the piece a few times over. Thanks for the valuable input, I'll take note of your points !

Warm regards,
Timothy

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Senna is being quite generous in that response. Cudos to you, Mr. Jawa. Good luck, Timothy, on your future writing. I hope you enjoy the journey and take the chance to read some of the many fine poets on this forum (but even more importantly, in recent poetry publications). Writing well is a function of reading well. Well, that's what I think, anyway. Welcome to the PF&D.

 

[3rdparty]

El duderino.
Mannnn