First time out: Straps

[j_lonty]

Hey, y'all, I just put up my first story, "Straps. I've got a few half-written other in the hopper, and would love some feedback/encouragement/comments/anything on this first attempt - here 'tis. I'll try and respond to any comments and emails. Thanks.

-jl

 

[flawed_ethics]

You have mail.

 

[damppanties]

Very good for a first time. I loved it. It was seriously hot and I was so lost into it that I couldn't even concentrate on the language, grammar, etc. What I've listed below are some pretty obvious hiccups which jumped out at me. I'm sure I missed many others.

"She reached up and ran her hands through my hair I slowly..."

'and' or a period before 'I'.


"...her warm small soft perfect breast. "

a comma after each adjective. IMO, there are just too many adjectives in that sentence.


"...my erection jangling in front of me."

'jangling'? or 'dangling'? Jangling reminds me of a bell.


"It was not there yet, but from the sound of just its approach,..."

Confused. I don't know what you wanted to write here. Maybe: 'but just from the sound of its approach..'


"I heard half gasped invocations to deities."

*smiling* Marvelous!


"At this I twisted her slipper nipples..."

'slippery nipples'


"...or at leas thought she did."

typo: 'least'


"Her sweaty slick oily hands..."

commas. 'Her sweaty, slick, oily hands...'


Just finished it and I feel this story should have been in the Romance category. Even though the story is hot, its overall effect was romantic.

The above listed instances did not detract from the story at all. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Very good writing. Keep it up.

 

[j_lonty]

thanks for the comments so far, y'all. I've gone back and made some grammar/spelling changes pointed out. I guess I try and be careful about such things, but really when I'm writing try more to get myself caught up in it and edit later, which periodically lets things slip through. From your comments, though, dp, it sounds like my getting caught up in the writing of it worked for you!

I'd love more comments on style, reactions, etc. Thanks so much!

-jl

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Excellent story from my point of view, but then I'm a sucker for this kind of thing: long, detailed, love-making with a lot of the sensual detail. For me, it's just about impossible to go wrong when you do that.

I was also much impressed with your choice of knots <G> I thought I was the only knot geek around here.

What else can I say? There are a couple of spell-check errors, but you won't burn in authorial hell for that.

I know that DP is right grammatically about separating adjectives with commas, but I find myself leaving them out more and more as well. "...her warm small soft perfect breast..." just sounds better to me than "...her warm, small, soft breasts..." The latter reads too much like a list to me, so I don;t mind the lack of commas.

Nice story, and welcome to Lit.

---dr.M.

 

[damppanties]

I know that DP is right grammatically about separating adjectives with commas, but I find myself leaving them out more and more as well. "...her warm small soft perfect breast..." just sounds better to me than "...her warm, small, soft breasts..." The latter reads too much like a list to me, so I don;t mind the lack of commas.

---dr.M.

The problem I have with no commas is that it reads wrong to me and that detracts from the story. Shifts my attention. I've realised I'm beginning to read like an editor.

If you do need to tell me that her breasts are warm, small and soft; please do, but do it in different sentences, different places or in some other way. IMO, that is better than 'small warm soft'.

aside to j_lo - your story doesn't need this grammar debate. It was above all this. Recommended it to other people too. I'm just giving my POV on the issue.

 

[j_lonty]

originally posted by damppanties
your story doesn't need this grammar debate. It was above all this. Recommended it to other people too.

Thanks so much for that! I'm glad y'all enjoyed, and I'll work on finishing off the ones I have in the hopper - for your enjoyment, of course (and my own!).