First time meeting for newbie

[inside_out]

I took a plunge and matched with a guy on Hinge (dating app) who is non monogamous and very into the dungeon scene as a dom. He was very upfront about it in his profile so I knew exactly what the deal was. I've always been interested in this and fear that I'll never get to experience it with traditional dating, since you have no idea what they're really into.

My question here is basically, what should I expect with a first meetup? I would definitely not go home with him at that point as I think a first non-sexual meeting is probably best to make sure there's real chemistry and compatibility with no expectations so no pressure on me. How can I tell if he's going to be a good Dom that I'll be safe with?

 

[AlwaysFara]

I took a plunge and matched with a guy on Hinge (dating app) who is non monogamous and very into the dungeon scene as a dom. He was very upfront about it in his profile so I knew exactly what the deal was. I've always been interested in this and fear that I'll never get to experience it with traditional dating, since you have no idea what they're really into.

My question here is basically, what should I expect with a first meetup? I would definitely not go home with him at that point as I think a first non-sexual meeting is probably best to make sure there's real chemistry and compatibility with no expectations so no pressure on me. How can I tell if he's going to be a good Dom that I'll be safe with?

Time. Lots of time.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I took a plunge and matched with a guy on Hinge (dating app) who is non monogamous and very into the dungeon scene as a dom. He was very upfront about it in his profile so I knew exactly what the deal was. I've always been interested in this and fear that I'll never get to experience it with traditional dating, since you have no idea what they're really into.

My question here is basically, what should I expect with a first meetup? I would definitely not go home with him at that point as I think a first non-sexual meeting is probably best to make sure there's real chemistry and compatibility with no expectations so no pressure on me. How can I tell if he's going to be a good Dom that I'll be safe with?

One big indicator is that he doesn't push to be alone with you or have sex the very first meet-up. If he's willing to meet you in a well-lit area, with people around, and he takes his time getting to know you.

 

[inside_out]

How much time is lots of time? Do you mean before sex?

 

[cookiecat]

Sex isn't the issue - it's the dungeon stuff.

You want to be 1000% sure that once you are tied up and helpless and he is wielding implements that could hurt you, you feel confident he won't hurt you.

The first time I had a bdsm scene with someone, I asked if I could have a girlfriend come with. He was fine with it. He asked me a million questions about what I wanted, where he could touch me. I was being flogged - he had me hold the flogger, he used it on me very gently at first. It made me feel confident he wasn't going to handcuff me to a cross and then smack the snot out of me or touch me where I didn't want to be touched.

As a newbie, I didn't even know what questions to ask. In fact, I felt like he, as the Dom, should just know how to treat me. In my head, I wanted him to do anything he wanted. I was so horny for it.

I'm so so so so lucky I was with someone who didn't take advantage of my naivete. I mean for god's sake, I acted more safely on vanilla dates.

It's a wise idea to have his name, phone number, where you'll be, what time you're meeting him and give that info to a good friend. Even wiser to have a safe call - ask a friend to check in with you. Tell him you're doing this. If he's NOT ok with it - don't go.

Ask him if he uses safewords. If he says no, don't go with him. Ask him what his limits are. Perhaps you don't know what yours are yet. But if he - as an experienced Dominant - says he doesn't have any limits - don't go.

Ask him how long he's been at this. If he has references. I know that sounds weird. But it's a thing. Really. And maybe you won't contact them. But if he bristles at the thought of you contacting other women he's topped / played with - take that into consideration.

Don't think with your pussy. I've done this. Been so crazy lusty for a kinky scene, I was unsafe. I'm really lucky I wasn't raped or hurt.

Ask him what's in his dungeon. What does he want to do to you? Ask yourself what do you feel comfortable doing? Do you want to feel pain? Do you want to experience submission without pain? Do you want to have this be a sexual experience as well? (It doesn't have to be)

Doing kinky things in a dungeon with a stranger is dicey. Be safe.

 

[midwestyankee]

^^^Thus is wisdom worth heeding.

 

[Bramblethorn]

It's a wise idea to have his name, phone number, where you'll be, what time you're meeting him and give that info to a good friend. Even wiser to have a safe call - ask a friend to check in with you. Tell him you're doing this. If he's NOT ok with it - don't go.

Also, be clear with the friend about what they should do if they can't reach you: when should they raise the alarm, and who should they contact?

I remember a sad case from a few years back where a guy went hiking solo over the long weekend and told his wife to expect him back on Monday night. He didn't show, but she didn't want to make a fuss in case he was just a bit delayed, so she held off calling the police until it was definitely much too late.

 

[inside_out]

This is all good advice. We have plans to meet up for dinner at a restaurant with his gf as well, which I'm fine with, and he specifically told me he doesn't play on the first date - so I didn't even have to say it. He also does have limits. We haven't talked about the rest yet.

My plan is to give the info to an open minded friend and tell her noon the next day when we end up meeting up for play. I'd like to take a picture of his license and send it to her. If he's going to have me to his house then he shouldn't mind anyways. I would think a reasonable person would understand. I would not have him to mine as I want to feel safe in my home if he turns out to be a super weirdo.

 

[cookiecat]

This is all good advice. We have plans to meet up for dinner at a restaurant with his gf as well, which I'm fine with, and he specifically told me he doesn't play on the first date - so I didn't even have to say it. He also does have limits. We haven't talked about the rest yet.

My plan is to give the info to an open minded friend and tell her noon the next day when we end up meeting up for play. I'd like to take a picture of his license and send it to her. If he's going to have me to his house then he shouldn't mind anyways. I would think a reasonable person would understand. I would not have him to mine as I want to feel safe in my home if he turns out to be a super weirdo.

Sometimes super weird is good.

It sounds like you have your head on straight about this. Let us know how it goes!

 

[ouchfeelsgood]

This is all good advice. We have plans to meet up for dinner at a restaurant with his gf as well, which I'm fine with, and he specifically told me he doesn't play on the first date - so I didn't even have to say it. He also does have limits. We haven't talked about the rest yet.

My plan is to give the info to an open minded friend and tell her noon the next day when we end up meeting up for play. I'd like to take a picture of his license and send it to her. If he's going to have me to his house then he shouldn't mind anyways. I would think a reasonable person would understand. I would not have him to mine as I want to feel safe in my home if he turns out to be a super weirdo.

It looks like you're taking very reasonable precautions, considering you don't know him well at all. Chances are, he'll be relatively normal (whatever that means these days!). As an extra added precaution you can google his name to see if any red flags pop up. Of course, there could be other people with the same name as his, so make sure he's actually the one who's info is returned in a name search.

All in all, have fun -- while keeping your eyes and ears open!

 

[barefootgirl69]

This is all good advice. We have plans to meet up for dinner at a restaurant with his gf as well, which I'm fine with, and he specifically told me he doesn't play on the first date - so I didn't even have to say it. He also does have limits. We haven't talked about the rest yet.

My plan is to give the info to an open minded friend and tell her noon the next day when we end up meeting up for play. I'd like to take a picture of his license and send it to her. If he's going to have me to his house then he shouldn't mind anyways. I would think a reasonable person would understand. I would not have him to mine as I want to feel safe in my home if he turns out to be a super weirdo.

You could even write all the information you have about him (name, where you met online/his user name, restaurant you're going to) and put it in an envelope to be used if necessary.

I would also check in by phone frequently, atleast every 3 - 4 hours.

But, that's me, and we all have our own levels of precautions.

 

[sweettalk4u]

Good advice

Sex isn't the issue - it's the dungeon stuff.

You want to be 1000% sure that once you are tied up and helpless and he is wielding implements that could hurt you, you feel confident he won't hurt you.

The first time I had a bdsm scene with someone, I asked if I could have a girlfriend come with. He was fine with it. He asked me a million questions about what I wanted, where he could touch me. I was being flogged - he had me hold the flogger, he used it on me very gently at first. It made me feel confident he wasn't going to handcuff me to a cross and then smack the snot out of me or touch me where I didn't want to be touched.

As a newbie, I didn't even know what questions to ask. In fact, I felt like he, as the Dom, should just know how to treat me. In my head, I wanted him to do anything he wanted. I was so horny for it.

I'm so so so so lucky I was with someone who didn't take advantage of my naivete. I mean for god's sake, I acted more safely on vanilla dates.

It's a wise idea to have his name, phone number, where you'll be, what time you're meeting him and give that info to a good friend. Even wiser to have a safe call - ask a friend to check in with you. Tell him you're doing this. If he's NOT ok with it - don't go.

Ask him if he uses safewords. If he says no, don't go with him. Ask him what his limits are. Perhaps you don't know what yours are yet. But if he - as an experienced Dominant - says he doesn't have any limits - don't go.

Ask him how long he's been at this. If he has references. I know that sounds weird. But it's a thing. Really. And maybe you won't contact them. But if he bristles at the thought of you contacting other women he's topped / played with - take that into consideration.

Don't think with your pussy. I've done this. Been so crazy lusty for a kinky scene, I was unsafe. I'm really lucky I wasn't raped or hurt.

Ask him what's in his dungeon. What does he want to do to you? Ask yourself what do you feel comfortable doing? Do you want to feel pain? Do you want to experience submission without pain? Do you want to have this be a sexual experience as well? (It doesn't have to be)

Doing kinky things in a dungeon with a stranger is dicey. Be safe.

To reiterate, chat a lot with him before and after that first meeting. If you want to do a scene with him now, take a friend along. And no sex the first time. Remember you are not his yet.

 

[DVS]

All very good advice in this thread. It might be good to tell him your dad is the sheriff of the county, to see his reaction. Just kidding. But, what your job will be is to play investigator with him, to make sure he's telling you the truth when he answers your questions.

And this isn't just because you think he's not telling the truth. It's just that so many have lied and done it with a straight face that you have to treat everybody like one of those people until you are satisfied that he's not. Yes, it's sad, but it will keep you safer to look at it that way.

First off, have you met him at a restaurant or someplace where you've been able to talk and get to know him? If not, that comes first. When I suggest this first meeting, I tell the sub she can bring anybody she wants to bring. I tell her to bring a friend...or two. I tell her she can bring her mother, as long as she's OK with what you are meeting him for. Take your older brother with you, if you want. He shouldn't be trying to intimidate the guy as that's not what he's there for. He's there as a bystander. But, he should be allowed to ask questions, too.

Keep in mind that this guy has an ego. If this were me, I'd enjoy telling what I'm into. I'd enjoy talking about my toys and my desires. He might also ask your desires and expectations. It's OK to say yo reserve giving your answer until you are more aware of the possibilities.

First time into the place, how does it smell? Does it smell like you think it should? Is there a leather smell to it? If there is a lot of leather, there should be a leather smell. It shouldn't smell musty at all. Well, if it's a basement, there could be a basement smell, but hopefully, he's finished the room off well and it smells good in there. Whatever smell there is, do you think it would enhance or damage your sexual experience?

Once you've all looked around some, if you don't have any idea what you think is going to happen, he should be able to explain things. Then, you could maybe have a better idea of what you think you would want to have happen. You don't have to go all whole hog the first visit. I would also suggest your friend goes with, and there is only simulated bondage that first time. You should do your best to keep still, as if you are bound, though, to give both of you the experience of how it would be. If you've never done it, you might not like it.

Check out his toys. Do they look brand new or do they look like they are broken in and he's taking care of them? If they look brand new, ask why. Listen to his answer. He may be a newbie with all of the fancy toys. If he didn't tell you he's a newbie, that's a red flag. He will give you an answer. Listen to see if it makes sense to you. If it's new, what happened to the old one. Or maybe this is just a new addition that he hasn't had a chance to use yet. Let him give you the answers. You just listen and evaluate in your mind and keep that for later discussion with your friends.

If any toys look dirty look at some other things to see if they look the same. Dirty toys is a red flag. Dirty benches are a red flag. If nothing else, any self respecting dom would have been down there before your visit to clean the place up.

Talk about safety. If he's using rope does he have EMS scissors? Ask if he's ever had to use them. How is he on tying knots? LOL, if he says he was in the navy, he should be able to tell you where he was stationed, the ship he was on, etc. That's all verifiable and easy to check later.

Act like you are going to buy a used car. The best way to do that is take friends with you so they can ask about the car' history or if the tires are good, while you look around and listen to everything everybody says.

Maybe get your friends to ask specific questions for you. Like the above questions that have already been mentioned. How long as he been a dom? How long has he ad the dungeon. What kinds of toys does he have? Whips, crops, single tails, paddles, hair brushes?

How does he take care of them? He should clean them after each session and keep the leather ones oiled so they will last, but don't ask if he does that. Let him answer for himself.

Ask if he can control how hard he hits you with his toys. A skilled dom can hit you and leave a red mark and nothing else. He can also hit you hard enough to leave a welt. And he can hit you hard enough to break the skin. Sure, your skin will have some to do with that, but he shouldn't have much of a problem deciding on how hard to hit you, after the first few.

And he could even give you some examples while you and your friends are there. Maybe on an arm or a leg, and he should enjoy showing you how well he can control the hit and the pain he produces.

Don't worry about all of these questions. He should understand why you are asking and know that it's in his best interest to answer these questions. And if he is interested in you and you are interested in him, the sexual tension will be thick in the room. Don't let that get the best of you. And that's partly why you are taking friends along. They will be your buffer zone.

Think like a crook. How would you answer some of the questions you ask him? Does he answer them the same way? Does he give you short answers or does he go into detail? Evaluate his attitude, after a while. Is he still going along with your visit and in good spirits? If it were me, I'd be enjoying myself, like I'm a proud man, showing off my man cave.

Like I said, he has an interest in this, too. And you both should sit down and talk about what you want to happen. What you want to have happen the first time, second time and so on. Have your questions written down, if you want. Take notes of his answers. He should seem at ease the whole time you are talking.

When you leave, tell him you will think about it, but of course, tell him you are still very interested, if you are. If you're more interested after seeing his dungeon, tell him that, too. Sexually speaking, to someone who enjoys such things, it should be a sexual high for both you and him to talk about your first, second and third visit.

If he were me, I would feel like the sexual tension was building more and more and would look forward to each coming visit accordingly. I'd want to make sure you got what you expected and that it turned out perfectly. He's advertising himself, after all. And he knows, if you are satisfied, you will probably give him a good rating to others.

But, if there is anything you don't like, and you feel uneasy about it. Tell him so. Let him explain again what you might have misunderstood and after that, if you are still uneasy, don't tell him you are. Just tell him thanks for the tour, and it was quite interesting, for sure. Be honest with your sexual thoughts of visiting a dungeon. There's nothing wrong with that.

But refrain from giving him an answer right then. Remember that used car salesman thing. You have a cooling off period when you can think it over and decide. Take advantage of this. You have your questions answered, and you've had your visual visit in mind. If the dungeon is impressive, tell him so. That's his baby and he's proud of it.

Then, it's time to let him know you will let him know your answer after you've though it out and you will give everything an honest evaluation. Since this is your first encounter, he should have no problem with you being honest. Doms are people, too. They know what a challenge it is to be a submissive and come into a place like that. He wants you to feel save and secure that your sexual feelings will be good ones.

Once you have left, make sure to give his dungeon an honest rating. If your friends liked it, ask them why. Just like that used car deal...what did they like and not like. What did you like and not like?

If you want, call him back and tell him you want to come back and talk some more. Again, this would just be an evaluation visit. Maybe your friends noticed something you didn't or visa versa and you want to verify.

Now, after all of this, you can only hope that if and when you do go for a session, it's going to turn out good. He wants it that way, too. He's going to be "on stage" to give you what you have been expecting all along. Let's hope it's a very successful meeting and all of his time and your time wasn't in vane.

So donn't get your hopes up. The more you do, the more he has to be that damn perfect dom who can do no wrong. Don't put him on that pedestal. Let the visit evolve and go with the flow. It might turn out to be very pleasant. And if not, you then have to decide if you want to go back. Maybe you were uneasy and think that had something to do with the less than fruitful visit.

But, worse case scenario...if it doesn't work out, you have all of this information to fall back on with your next dom. And this first one is the most difficult. it only gets easier from there. But finding a good dom is serious business. Don't let your sexual desires get the best of you.

Treat this is a business deal at this point. If everything goes well, there will always be time for the fun stuff. And after all of those questions and answers and such, you should feel much more at ease with him to just let it go and enjoy. Good luck on your visit. I hope all goes well and the result is very rewarding for you.

 

[inside_out]

Thank you all for the detailed answers. I feel relatively confident in him and look forward to meeting him in person soon.