first time help

[Warraven]

Hello! Me and my girlfriend have been dating for about a month and a half. We are in college and we sleep together every night. We are both virgins, so we have been basically messing around with foreplay for a long time, I'll ask a question about it later. Last night she decided that it was time for us to go a little farther. I've been extensively researching how to best use a condom, and I was ready. We both seem to be ready emotionally, the problem is physically. We are both 20 and this is what we want. I ate her and got her extremely wet, but when I was going inside she kept stopping. She said it was too painful. We've been messing around in the area for a time and she has toys, so it's not just a hymen thing... I don't think. It was a self lubricating condom ontop of her wetness. I just don't understand. We tried different positions and everything. We tried for a very long time with new condoms and everything. We asked our friends for advice but nothing so far has worked. I don't like hurting her like this. She tries to bite her lip but I can tell how much it hurts her. What can I do? I know she is going to want to try again very soon, I want to be able to bring more to the table so she can finally enjoy herself(I wouldn't mind either, but I don't want to cause her this pain). Any help would be much appreciated... she said I'm... large in girth or something of the sort...

Raven
P.S. My question on foreplay is that, I finally got down how to best eat her and finger and all that good stuff to bring her over, but she still can't get me. She gets dissapointed and works really hard. I don't need her to but she insists because I can and because I deserve it or something like that. I try to help but I'm lost on how to give a good bj too...I finished calculus 3 in 9 weeks and I can't figure out my own anatomy... Thankyou all!

 

[Chicklet]

The fact of the matter is that sex is painful for a little while. I suggest doing what you've been doing, making sure she's ready, keeping everything well lubricated. Try to use positions that give her control over what's going on. Let her be on top, or spoon with her in charge of how far you go in.

As for blowjobs, try to communicate as much as you possibly can while she's going down on you. Give feedback. It's very rare that I could get a guy off just with my mouth... and frankly I'm decently experienced in that department. I suggest mixing the hand in with the mouth... either yours or hers. It's always fun for me to be sucking on the head of a cock while the guy is pumping on his own shaft, but that's because I totally suck at handjobs.

 

[Warraven]

yea, we go slow and I give her complete control.

 

[TBKahuna123]

First on the pain issue, I've found from listening to many people here that this sort of thing can be very mental. With first time penetration, just like with anal sex, if she thinks it's going to hurt, it will. There are only two things you can do: Use lot sof lube and go very slow. If you think you have enough lube, use twice as much. If you think you are going slwo enough, go three times slower. Many times women clench up when they are nervous, and your first time can be very nerve wrack and exciting. That would explain why toys are fine, but with you causes pain. Also if you are built a little thicker it might hurt until she is used to you. All you can do is go slow and lube up.

Another note on lube. Lube on condoms is usually pretty weak IMO. Also as wet as she is, a little extra lubrication can go a long way toward making things easier. There's nothign wrong with using lube, hell it's fun! That might be the first place I start.

As to how to bring you off. I personally have noticed that getting a hand job for instance, takes me a long time to orgasm. Same thing with a blow job. It will take longer than masturbating, that's for sure. So how do you tell her what you like? Well, have you ever thought about it? Next time you masturbate, really think about it and explore your body. Then you can tell her.

As for how to give a good blowjob? Attitude is 99% as far as I'm concerned. She has to want to do it, almost get pleasure form it. I also find that if I am touching, exploring, or otherwise playign with her as well, that I get extra stimulation from that.

Good luck.

 

[SweetErika]

Chicklet and TBK have given you great advice. I'll second the extra lube thing, especially with condoms, because a woman can be dripping wet, but the lube doesn't necessarily cover all of the necessary areas, so sex can be painful even for the experienced like me. We almost always use silicone lube (I link to that one because it's the most inexpensive I can find and one bottle's lasting us a couple of years!), and it's usually a must with condoms for us.

Are her toys as big as you are? If not, you might consider stepping the size up to give her the confidence she can handle that size.

Are condoms your only form of birth control? If so, you might want to consider adding another method to give yourselves more confidence and get rid of any nervousness about that.

Other than that, go slow and give it time. A month and a half isn't very long - she may need more time to relax fully and feel comfortable having sex, even if a big part of her is ready now. If I were her, I'd want to be reassured there's no rush and we'll just try different things slowly.

 

[eudaemonia]

It's refreshing to hear how much time and care you show for one another. This is a great strart! You two sound like you're you mentally and physically ready, so it's that last little push over the top that you're looking for, yes?

TB's thought about using more lube was mine as a well.

For example, I discovered quite by accident (when I was well into my 30s), that on occasion even when I was really into the moment, enjoying foreplay immensely and was reasonably wet that for some reason I was still a bit tense with my first time with this one guy. I think it was because I really, really liked him and wanted everything to be wonderful. I just grabbed his lube, put a huge handful on myself and WHAM! All of a sudden the feeling of unlimited wetness and slip put my mind on erotic overdrive. (Liquid Silk is heaven sent!) After that, lubrication never an issue.

Another thought occurs to me along the lines of the above is maybe try the position of you two sitting up in bed, her easing herself onto you -- again, using extra lube as she sees fit. While you focus on her neck, her breasts, her back, her shoulders, her butt and thighs (if she's not self-conscious), her hair, her lips ... everything but ... she can play around and find a comfortable position at her leisure. Just an idea ...

Wanting to please you may (*may*) be a bit of a block. That's not to suggest in any way that you're pressuring her, just that she may feel that way esp. since she clearly likes and cares about you.

Above all, enjoy the delicious experience of discovery as it unfolds. Laugh much, kiss even more and let her know much *you're* enjoying the pleasure she's giving you and how much you want her. I think you'll be fine.

 

[beachgurl3]

set a relaxing mood

love the advice given above, but I was trying to remember what it was like at the beginning. You hear so much about men needing to help set the mood. soft music, soft light or candles, bubble bath, sensual rather than sexual massage. a glass of wine? These may be trivial but it seems like relaxing enough to enjoy sex is a big deal for women.

 

[Warraven]

Well, she got some lube from a sister in the house she lives at(sorority, I'm fraternity, tho the only difference that makes to both of us is that our families are our fraternity brothers and sorority sisters and how we met), and she's eager to try again tonight. As for ready, I think we both are, I know I am, and she knew this a while ago when she asked me for a condom like two weeks ago but I could not produce, so we didn't get anywhere. Almost all the forward motion for this is from her side. The other amazing part is that she has had bad experience with bad guys in the past(not rape, not father or anything like that just jumpy asshole guys) yet she is perfectly comfortable with this, I can tell just from the way she refers to it and how excited she gets, it's like she's been waiting for this for a long long time, like a small child who can finally ride that roller coaster(her analogy not mine, she referred to it last night as getting to the front and finding out she wasn't tall enough tho, which I told her was nothing to be worried about, we will have plenty of time to practice). We both remark from time to time the speed of our relationship, but it is usually only in reference to other people.

For now condoms are our only protection, I think we will get to more soon, I want to make sure she's comfortable with everything first, and we will be going on winter break in a week or two(which worried me because it does feel like we have limited time but neither of us have to be home immediately and I'm taking the last day off from). I don't want to be like "hey, get birth control because this is going to be a constant thing" like insisting on it,because she means more than just this.

The biggest thing about the bj is that I tell her constantly she does fantastic but she just doesn't believe me. Also, while she is eager, I feel like I am as well, we compete sometimes on who goes down first. The only time that wasn't so was when I severely burned both hands and it took a while to heal, I could still use my mouth but she was too worried about the pain in my hands. Though the burns are bad enough that some of the nerves died. Thankyou all for the advice, it means a lot to me and I'm sure her.

 

[Cathleen]

You've received lots of good advice and information so I'll just welcome you to Lit and wish the two of you well.

It's a special thing and clearly you know that -- how nice. Relax and enjoy each other.

 

[BreeCarter]

You've received lots of good advice and information so I'll just welcome you to Lit and wish the two of you well.

It's a special thing and clearly you know that -- how nice. Relax and enjoy each other.

can't say that i really have anything else to add as they have all done a good job. but keep trying, keep being careful and attentive, and good luck!

 

[SweetErika]

For now condoms are our only protection, I think we will get to more soon, I want to make sure she's comfortable with everything first, and we will be going on winter break in a week or two(which worried me because it does feel like we have limited time but neither of us have to be home immediately and I'm taking the last day off from). I don't want to be like "hey, get birth control because this is going to be a constant thing" like insisting on it,because she means more than just this.

My point is that fear of pregnancy may very well be contributing to her trouble relaxing. And for good reasons: neither of you have a lot of experience with condoms, they can slip off or break even when used correctly, and the Morning After Pill/Plan B is no picnic. I won't tell you how stressful and heartbreaking an unplanned pregnancy can be. Even with good protection, there's usually some nervousness, but using a couple of good methods minimizes it, in my experience. If you don't want a baby, take every possible step to not get pregnant.

This is the time to discuss and get good birth control, not when you're having regular sex. Hormonal BC needs time to take effect. I appreciate your desire to be sensitive to her feelings, but discussing the options is the most caring, sensitive thing you can do - tell her you want to protect both of you from the difficulties condom failure and unplanned pregnancy. If she's mature enough to have sex (and I have no doubt she is), she'll appreciate that. Perhaps she can get an appointment at Student Health or Planned Parenthood(I suggest that because it's usually fast, free/cheap and bc is free/cheap) or wherever before you guys go home, and let the BC take effect over break.

All you have to say is, "I was reading about the efficacy of condoms, and I'm a little worried since we're new users and not ready for a pregnancy. So, I wanted to ask what you thought about adding another method of birth control because my main concern is you feeling comfortable with everything."

It's also smart to discuss what each of you would want to do in the case of an unplanned pregnancy BEFORE you have sex, or at least very early on. You want to make the decision to have sex with all of the info you can get - if one of you would feel compelled to terminate and another would want to raise the kid or adopt, well, you're going to have major problems in the event of a pregnancy.

As the potential father of the embryo/kid, you're just as responsible and right for bringing up reproductive choices as she is. In fact, it'd be nice to hear more men intiating these conversations from our perspective; I'd think a guy who did very caring and responsible for the entire act, instead of just interested in getting off.

Feelings are about caring enough to discuss it and do so in a sensitive way. Intelligence and maturity are bringing it up because it's an important topic. It sounds you have all of those qualities, but your actions will speak the truth.

 

[Warraven]

We are discussing it

 

[Warraven]

She said she'll talk to her doctor about it. Her biggest worry is forgetting to take it. She already takes anti-anxiety drugs and stuff like that and said that if you miss taking it by an hour or two it can get screwy. But she said she'll ask.

We tried a second time and it was a little better. Not 100% yet but it was better. The third night she said we weren't going for it unless I was 100% comfortable with the fact that she is on her period. I have no idea what to think of that as I barely have experience with the normal thing, she said she was but she wants to be completely sure I'm ready. So I don't really know, I wouldn't know. The only difference I can think is more lube and more mess. Other than that we are going on break in a day or two then we go skiing over the break, but we will be with family, which is fine, there's more to us than this. Though it does also mean we have to sleep alone... no cuddling .

 

[TBKahuna123]

The only difference I can think is more lube and more mess.

Actually LESS lube and more mess. Blood and menses(sp?) is NOT a good lubricant. To the contrary, they actually cause friction and work against penetration. If you are going to do this I strongly suggest using an artificial lube.

Other than the mess there is no reason not to have sex during her period. Actually, every woman I have been with has said they are more sensitive and way more aroused during their period. Once you get past the initial shock of the clean up afterward its no big deal. My first time was a shocker, but if you know in advance, it shouldn't be a big deal.

 

[SweetErika]

She said she'll talk to her doctor about it. Her biggest worry is forgetting to take it. She already takes anti-anxiety drugs and stuff like that and said that if you miss taking it by an hour or two it can get screwy. But she said she'll ask.

True, forgetfulness is a problem with the pill. The NuvaRing may be the best option for her - I can't imagine anyone would forget to put it in once a month, but of course you could remind her to do so on the right day as well. It seems like women report fewer side effects with the ring also. It's what I'd try if I ever went back on hormonal BC. Tell her to ask her doc about the ring and the patch since she's worried about forgetting.