First time feedback please?

[leucite]

Please could you give me feedback?
It's my first story, and I won't be writing any more until July, but I'd love to know what people think of it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=306136

Thanks
xleucitex

 

[Guest]

I liked the piece, except it was more in the style of show than tell. No dialogue really leaves a lot out of a piece for me. I think sexual banter makes a piece more fun or more suspenseful or just plain more hot. There's talent there, keep writing.

 

[jomar]

What DK said. I live in the US so I stumble over things like "whilst" unless it's period piece. And I was glad you didn't say "arse." Anyway, I hope the encouragement of a red H keeps you going!

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I thought it was a short, but well written piece. I agree with Daniellekitten, I would have liked to have seen some dialog in the story to bring the characters alive.

I look forward to reading some more of your work.

 

[MarshAlien]

I not only would have liked to see dialogue, I think that without it the people came across as mute. Except for one comment about sleep, I don't think anybody talked the entire time.

My major problem was the setup. You talked about our respective bedrooms, but never made it clear whose house it was. Chris and you had been a couple for several months, but apparently never slept together (I couldn't tell what "Chris and I were to sleep in the same room tonight" was supposed to mean). I found the idea that you somehow couldn't manage time for sex to be very strange, and I wasn't sure what "our overtly sexual appearance" referred to. Why did his kissing take you by surprise?

Most of the sex is well done (other than the dead silence). There are some sentences, though ("It stretched and felt unexplainable, like nothing I had ever felt before, and as I managed to take more of it in, I saw some of his muscles tense and a sharp exhale from him also."), that are clumsy and too involved. You would be better served, I think with shorter sentences and fewer conjunctions in your sex scenes.

I look forward to your return in July. Let us know when you're back.

 

[leucite]

Thank you all for your praises and criticisms - I shall certainly take them into account when writing next time
xleux

 

[kittziekat]

I think it has a definite feel of a first encounter (which you were going for) the uncertainty, the excitement. I think it would be great to play that up more. And if not open dialog at least more inner thoughts of the narrator, perhaps separated out from the play by play. Some of it did seem verbose at parts but then again some of the best writers are overly (imo) descriptive. I like to leave some room to fill in my own details as a reader, make it more personal for me and be able to enjoy it more.