First time Aussie writer looking for feedback

[LeatherAndCassok]

Howdy folks.

I've just posted my first story, and am looking for some genuine feedback.

I'm stunned at the readership rate (12,000 in a few hours) but without any comments I'm not sure what people think.

The story is here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=470780

It's currently in Loving Wives, but I've asked for it to be moved to Group Sex.

Feedback appreciated.

L&C

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Welcome LeatherAndCassok. Like the name.

LW is really a parallel universe. The split is between cuckold and vengeful husband viewpoints and a stroke threesome is out of place there. A change of cat is a good idea.

First, you could do with an edit of grammar and punctuation:

- I find the switches between present and past tenses off-putting and in the ‘Tonight’ segment you get really confused yourself.

- It should be;

Their hands are still roaming over each other’s bod y, still exploring each other’s curves,

After a bright start, straight into the action, you lose momentum (and our attention) by going into reams of backstory/explanation that doesn’t push the story along. We don’t need a lot of the facts on length of marriage, height etc and giving this in two chunks where you are telling us about, 1)PIPA then 2)JULIA would make a lot of readers just click out. Then ‘TONIGHT’ is in the wrong place and it seems to be the logical opening.

I think that to write a successful stroke story you need to keep a continuous timescale, use plenty of dialogue to portray emotions and use the senses of touch, smell and taste much more than you do. Let any explanation come out as you go along and don't tell us more than we need to know.

By using first person POV, you do seem to be talking at the readers, rather than narrating the story.

Hope this helps you a bit to structure your stories to get across the vivid imagination you have.

Good luck.

 

[LeatherAndCassok]

.
- I find the switches between present and past tenses off-putting and in the ‘Tonight’ segment you get really confused yourself.

I found the tense portion a problem my self - I tried to divide the story into two parts (a past, and present), but agree it didn't work well.

I'll post another one in the next couple of days which is all present, and without any of the background, and see how it goes.

Thanks for the feedback. Greatly appreciated.

L&C