First Submission

[mc_angel]

Hi...I posted my first submission and would love to know what others think of it? If you have the time, please read "The Mountain" by mc_angel in the "Non-Consent" category and let me know if you want the next chapter posted, ok?

The story is based on a real event and I hope you find it worth your time...

Melissa aka "mc_angel"

Here's the link:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=45548

 

[KJGirlie]

Not really sure how many crits you're open to, but I thought I'd give it a shot.

First of all, you spent a lot of time establishing the setting, especially all that was going on outside, the squirrels, the flowers, blah blah, but then most of the action took place inside. Maybe you were trying to show some of her (does she have a name? I may have just missed it) personality but frankly someone whose first thoughts in the morning are along the lines of "oh heehee, listen to the squirrels FUCK wake up people" doesn't arouse that much sympathy. She isn't quite the innocent she comes off as during the actual raping.

Second, there are a lot of quotation marks, capitalization, exclamation points, and "..." that seems unnecessary. For example the one passage:

She took her time washing off, pausing periodically to playfully tease herself in those "oh so sensitive" areas, priming a mindset of adventure with a mingling of sexuality. It had been much TOO long since she had languished in that glow of complete satisfaction, and this shower of delight reminded her of just how long!! "Oops", she thought, better turn on some cooler water...


"oh so sensitive", TOO long, how long!!

Also, if you are going to put her thoughts into quotation marks, you might consider
"Oops," she thought, "better turn on some cooler water."
It also eliminates the need for all those periods.

And one last thing, although you're probably hating me by this point..
Your main character, as little personality as she shows (and how much personality can one show when you wake up and then get raped? perhaps you should have some sort of interaction before the kidnappers show up, on the phone or with a friend/neighbor..) has more character than all three (?) of her rapists combined. They talk in the context of the moment, but it does little to establish a plot or motive. I think Rex is the only one that even has a name, and even he is nothing other than another cock.

Try fleshing out your characters just a little more. When they have personalities, and you start loving each one (or loving to hate them, whatever) it will show in your writing, and draw the reader that much further into the story!!

KJ (please don't hate )

 

[Impetus]

I'll drop in some feedback as well.

One, I noticed a lot of extra elipses (...) as well. Overuse of them is never a good thing. I, personally, use them (perhaps a bit too often) when someone is talking, I think it gives pace to the words. I could be wrong, though.

The other thing I'll say is that you have some incredibly long sentences. I lost track of the number of paragraphs I read that were made up of a single, long, sentence. And some of those sentenses were just run-on sentences. Break them up and you'll get better flow and better grammatical correctness.

-I

 

[mc_angel]

"The Mountain" Comments

Thank you both for the suggestions and comments, and for reading my story. I agree that character development is very important in a good story, but generally takes much longer to develop fully than I wished to accomplish in a short story. Also, since this was a reality-based story, I felt exposed enough without letting others into "who" I am as a person.

The "...." and exclamation points were used to pause the reader, or add a degree of emphatic depth to particular thoughts. I appreciate the honesty of both critiques though, and will take each point to heart.

Hope you still liked the story a little bit...

mc_angel