First submission would love feedback plz

[Guest]

Hey guys.. this is my first submission to Lit and its been accepted. Could you take a look and give me some feedback pretty plz???
I've got part two ready to go but I wanna get a second opinion on it if someone wants to take a look over??

Thanks guys!!

Part one: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=482740

Part Two: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=483389

Kai

 

[CWatson]

I thought it was cute, but the typos and informality were offputting.

There's no way to use the abbreviations like "min"(utes) or "omg" in dialogue without it being ironic, but there's a difference between laughing with Sarah the character, and laughing at you the writer. Right now it's the second.

It seems odd to me that Sarah would marvel over someone having an British accent. If that's unusual in her region, you really ought to make that clear--especially since you personally are from the UK, thus implying (via "Write What You Know") that Sarah is too. Yes, that's circumstantial evidence, but in lack of any other information it's what The Reader will assume.

I noticed you don't use any punctuation besides the basics (comma, quotation marks, period, exclam, question). Why not? Your first sentence in particular is in want of a semi-colon.

As someone who's never actually gotten laid, I am very sympathetic to the difficulties of writing sex. But personally I would've wanted more than one paragraph's worth of masturbation from your narrator. This is a sex-story site, after all.

These are all minor things; the story works and is readable as it is. But you're starting to approach the level of quality where details matter. How you handle those details--whether you attend to them or ignore them--is in large part going to determine whether you get anywhere as a writer.

 

[Guest]

I thought it was cute, but the typos and informality were offputting.

There's no way to use the abbreviations like "min"(utes) or "omg" in dialogue without it being ironic, but there's a difference between laughing with Sarah the character, and laughing at you the writer. Right now it's the second.

It seems odd to me that Sarah would marvel over someone having an British accent. If that's unusual in her region, you really ought to make that clear--especially since you personally are from the UK, thus implying (via "Write What You Know") that Sarah is too. Yes, that's circumstantial evidence, but in lack of any other information it's what The Reader will assume.

I noticed you don't use any punctuation besides the basics (comma, quotation marks, period, exclam, question). Why not? Your first sentence in particular is in want of a semi-colon.

As someone who's never actually gotten laid, I am very sympathetic to the difficulties of writing sex. But personally I would've wanted more than one paragraph's worth of masturbation from your narrator. This is a sex-story site, after all.

These are all minor things; the story works and is readable as it is. But you're starting to approach the level of quality where details matter. How you handle those details--whether you attend to them or ignore them--is in large part going to determine whether you get anywhere as a writer.

Thanks for your feedback!! I must admit that the hardest thing i found was how to put into words what I was thinking about as a writer that would engage the audience. There's a second part to this story as well as many more that will eventually be written. A kind soul has agreed to look it over for me and help me out, I just hope that its not totally hopeless.. lol!!

I do have quite the over active imagination, so I would have thought this would be an easy thing to do, but i'm learning and I'm finding it really enjoyable to learn how to write in this way and share my thoughts and ideas with people.

I hope that the second and third and more parts of this story will keep people involved long into it and begging for more.

Kai xx

 

[Velia]

This is very well done for a first piece. You clearly have the mechanics down, but as CWatson said, minor infractions are unacceptable at this level. Proofread, proofread, proofread. The best way to proofread your own work is to stay away from it for a week, at least, and then read it.

Also, not all dialogue requires attribution and/or qualification. For instance:

"You fucking bitch!" Jim said angrily.

Jim said angrily is unnecessary and clumsy. It is obvious from the dialogue that he is angry. If you can write dialogue without these attributions, it is best.

You said one of the hardest things is to "...put into words what I was thinking about as a writer that would engage the audience." Once you know to whom you are writing, from that point on, forget the audience. Just write what you are thinking.

I hope this helps.
Velia

 

[Guest]

Hey guys!
Thanks to bronzeage doing a little proofing for me, part two is up awaiting approval as we speak. I've just noticed though that the first part has had over 12000 views! I'm actually speachless and amazed at that kinda figure.. i really didn't expect any more than about 300 over its lifetime.. lol

Well i hope that part two does it justice and you all like it. Please drop feedback in here and let me know! I'll post a link in the first post when its approved.

Kai

 

[Guest]

Part two updated.. plz leave feedback!!!

Kai xx

 

[CWatson]

Umm... Misspelling in the very first sentence ("erotics"). Only two dots in your dot-dot-dots. No possessive apostrophe in "days weather". Uncapitalized "I" in the fifth paragraph, followed by a misplaced possessive apostrophe in "parent's cabin"--both her mom and dad own the place, right? If so, it ought to be "parents' cabin". And if not, it ought to be "mother's cabin" (or father's). Misplaced comma in the 6th; there ought to be one marking out the clause ending with "mid-day heat".

And that's just the first six paragraphs.

Do I sound nitpicky to you? Well, like I said: you're reaching the point where details matter. If you had massive gaps in your plot or characterization I would point those out instead; but you don't, because you're better than that--and, incidentally, thus better than like 80% of contributors on this site. The question now is whether you're going to get better. And I can tell you: you're not, unless you're willing to scrutinize your own work and nitpick the hell out of it. You, yourself; don't count on your editor. That's not his job. (If anything, his job is to make you work harder, not enable your laziness by fixing things you ought to be fixing yourself.)

This story tells me two things about you. One is that you have been blessed with a wealth of native talent. Without lifting a finger you have outwritten a lot of people who sweat and fret over their fiction. The other is that you're coasting on that talent. Those sloppy, careless mistakes are the sound of someone who either doesn't know better or doesn't care. You do know better; so it must be that you don't care, because nitty-gritty details are not where your focus is. Fair enough.

But here's the thing: talent isn't all there is to writing. Sure, it's part of it, but there's another half too: the drive. The ambition. The passion. A love of storytelling that is so overwhelming that it even makes you willing to put nose to grindstone and work at it. And that's why these silly little details--and whether you either ignore them or begin to address them--is going to determinute your future as a writer. Is going to determine whether you are a writer, actually--as opposed to someone who just dabbles around with a pen.

No shame in that, of course. But if you wanted, you could be a lot more.

And now I'm not going to respond to this thread anymore, 'cuz there's nothing more I can say. *shrug*

 

[elfin_odalisque]

CW and velia gave good advice on proofing and I would support CW’s comment;

These are all minor things; the story works and is readable as it is. But you're starting to approach the level of quality where details matter. How you handle those details--whether you attend to them or ignore them--is in large part going to determine whether you get anywhere as a writer.

I don’t agree with his second post as I see some problems with your plotting and characterization.


It was a lovely summer up at the lake. Finals were over, the last exam several hours behind her, Sarah needed to escape the university and get up to her parent's summer house to wait for the results to be sent home.

Sarah was a bit disappointed that she hadn't had the time to go out this semester and look for someone to spend time with, all that studying had really bitten into her social time. Still, she had her imagination and her well of past experiences to pull from, she didn't need a man to help her out all the time.

Sarah stocked up the cupboards in the kitchen and thought about her plans for the day.

‘She needed to escape’ – so she’s still at home? I don’t see the relevance of paragraph 2 and which kitchen cupboards is she stacking? – at home as it reads.

You use a fair amount of dialogue but most of it is candyfloss (except the brilliant line, ‘use Jim next time. It shouts better than James’). You could start with;

‘She was stocking the kitchen cupboards in the cabin when she was startled by a knock on the door’.

We are there immediately and you can dribble out the backstory as the two of them talk. Why not have the beer upfront and after a tad of embarrassment. You don’t create the sexual tension between them and I didn’t fully believe Sarah as a female as she appears more driven by a male approach to sex. Don’t get me wrong, we can be carnivorous but usually we want more (conversation, nice legs, and intriguing smile) before casting fortune to the winds.

Your chapters are just scenes and to get a following and high score, you need to have more content in each chapter.

The same happens in chapter 2; you treat the two as 2-D, not explaining the emotions each are thinking. Surely it takes more nervousness and embarrassment before James goes skinny dipping with a bikini-clad angel.

Time after time you go for the purely physical and ignore the mental effort of getting there. I really think that writing this story from Jim’s POV would have been much more effective and realistic.

Just my two cents, feel free to ignore.

 

[Guest]

Thanks Elfin for that, as much as CW has been invaluable in his advice, he is kinda blunt and to the point to a degree that really doesn't overly help the first time writer. As much as you probably said the same thing as he did, yours was in a way I could understand better.

For a first and second attempt though, considering that this is the first time that I've ever tried to write any form of story, I'm impressed on the amount of people that are willing to help!

I will say though that I have mad respect for anyone that can write erotic fiction like this and not only make it believable like your own stories CW, but also figure out the positioning of the main character in the story and not lose their minds trying to lay it all out.. lol!

I read a great article recently from a writer who says that in order to keep himself in the mind of the story and to remember relationships etc, he puts post-it notes around his screen with little synopsis and character ideas on them for easy reference. I might adopt that for my writing, it sounds like a good idea. I'm going to pause for a short while on the Sarah's Summer series of stories as real life is getting in the way, but I will be back with some more chapters real soon I hope

Kai xx

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Kailan, when you ask you'll find most people here more than willing to help. Your problem will be sorting through the different opinions and deciding what you agree with and what you don't.

More serious than Story Feedback is the Editors' Forum. If you feel you need it you could try asking for a volunteer editor.

Be sure to post a message here when you get round to chapter 3.

 

[gym13rat]

great story part 3 please