First Submission: Pleasure Wraith

[~Horse~]

Pleasure Wraith

As I mentioned in my hello post, I am entirely new to the field of erotic story writing. Pleasure Wraith is my second attempt at the genre, and the first not involving humor. ( Somehow in my first attempt I simply could not avoid laughing at myself. *grins* )

I hope you will take a few minutes to read the story and go one step further to write your comments. I am open (and in fact hopeful) for critique, impressions, things that work and things that don’t work, misuse of cliché (being new at it I am not sure if I have slipped into overworked phrases,) style and so on. No need to hold back, however a friendly tone is always helpful. *smiles*

I look forward to your comments and insights.

~Horse~

 

[Chicklet]

I thought your story was really neat. Only a couple of things popped out.

It then hovered just above him, shimmering in geometric patterns, shifting into colors of white, jade and purple.[/b]

It might just be a personal preference, but I thought the "It Then" sort of didn't flow with the rest of the story so far. The "then" isn't necessary, in my opinion. Without, it would read "It hovored just above him," - the past tense of hovored is plenty, without the unnecessary word.

She then leaned back on her elbows and spread her legs wide, her wry smile inviting him.

Same thing here, just seems unnecessary. "She leaned back on her elbows..."

Too many sentences put together in that way would really have ruined this story, and I've seen it ruin others. But there aren't that many, so I thought it was good.

 

[~Horse~]

Firstly, thank you for taking the time to read and comment!

Your points are well taken. On reading the sections you noted, I have to agree with you. I will edit those lines in my original.

Thanks!

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Horse,

Though it didn't stir me in an erotic way, this is one of the better vignettes I've read. While it's not a true story in that the character doesn't change, there is a certain sweetness to it that made me smile. Why wasn't it in the Toys/Masturbation category? Did you intend to leave it up to the reader whether she exists only in his imagination?

Major comments:

A good opening paragraph. Here's a character with an issue the reader can understand. The beginning of the second paragraph, I believe, is a misstep. I don't care about his past or his appearance. None of this information ever matters so far as this story goes; it's just in the way.

For me, the erotic portion of the scene ran a little long. After I saw how they interacted, I wasn't interested in the sex- I just wanted to know how/if/when she departed.

Out of 2500 words, about fifty are "ly" adverbs. This is often, if not always, a sign where a sentence could be stronger.
See also: http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm


Minor comments:

But it was only a memory.
Is *memory* really the right word here?

It strobed in an unusual pattern and kept his attention
*unusual* is a weak word choice here.

... a face appeared. A cherubic round-faced woman emerged from the colorful cloud, naked and smiling ...
Nice.

He smelled lavender and juniper on her pale skin, and her hair carried a forest scent.
*Lavender and juniper* are specific compared to *forest scent*. This makes the sentence a bit awkward.

She took him with rounded lips and skimming tongue so deep he nearly came.
Why didn't he come? Did she do something to prolong him? Did he?

Her folds smelled of hot, freshly baked bread.
An interesting choice. Is this meant to show he has no idea what a real woman smells like? There are some other slight inaccuracies; are these intentional?

Her eyelids fluttered with satisfaction at tasting herself.
&
He wasn't the most handsome man, but you wouldn't know that from her look of adoration.
Did you really want to be in her head for even an instant?


Hope some of that helps.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[kbate]

You use many more words than strictly necessary to tell the tale. You could easily cut it by 200 to 300 words without changing the story in any appreciable manner.

A good many of the extra words are adverbs, softly, gently, hungrily.

The story I like, but some of the descriptions are a little odd. I think the entire second paragraph could be deleted, It does not add a lot to the "I don't have a real woman, so....." theme.

Nice story though.

 

[~Horse~]

Thanks to each of you for your comments and criticisms.

I've further discussed the story with a couple of other people online, one of which knows my writing in other genres. I've come to the conclusion that I'm simply not all that comfortable writing erotica; or at least not comfortable enough to write naturally. So, the effect is a stilted style with poor rhythm and erratic prose. It is said that the best stories are written by authors who know their subject well, and have a strong personal interest in the characters and story lines. I love a good story more than I am attracted to erotica. I’m a bit too clinical and naive of the subject to be very good at it. I should stick to what I do well and experiment again as I improve.

I will alter the text significantly in the next few days and then shelve the story in my files. It has been a worthwhile endeavor. Thanks to all who read, who voted, and who took the time to offer specific points of criticism. I’m indebted.

Best Regards,
Horse.

 

[Varian P]

Hi there, ~Horse~.

You've done a fine job, creating a tight, highly erotic story that also conveys mood and emotion and evokes empathy for the main character.

His hand came instinctively down, open palmed, and softly caressed. Masturbation was the only way.

"Masturbation was the only way" seems a rather cold and analytical way to express this, as opposed to something like, "He wished it could be someone else touching him that way."

his softly chiseled body

"softly chiseled" leapt out at me as oxymoronic: the word chiseled evokes images of cut stone. "Softly defined" or "subtly chiseled" might be less jarring.

the unrelenting desire that coursed along his attentive palm

Although the phrase "unrelenting desire" is a tad purple, I love the rest of the larger phrase--the emotion/feeling coursing along his attentive palm--a deliciously visceral image.

quiver of appreciation as he gripped it and stroked evenly

Also delicious.

His penis shallowly bounced in time with his accelerated heartbeat

I quite like that image, too, although the adverb "shallowly" hung me up a tad.

he wondered what it was worth, this manual passion of necessity

He'd have to finish the job

You do a lovely job of conveying his feeling of discharging (sorry ) a necessary task, rather than being really into masturbation for its own sake.

he desperately wanted to ease himself deep into a real woman, hot and wet, hungry for only him.

This phrase has me smiling, because I'm guessing, based on the title, that this isn't precisely what he's going to get.

The liquid dark of his room flooded in

Lovely.

full moon breasts

Another lovely image.

her hand nestling his sack

does a swell job of conveying an image and a feeling at once, wheras

her tongue licked across the sensitive erogenous zone

shakes me out of the intimacy of the experience with the somewhat clinical term and has me going, "which erogenous zone?"

drenched by the hot water of intense arousal

Could just be me, but the hot water phrase put me in mind of a gushing tap. Also, since water tends to take away lubricant, the metaphor just didn't work for me.

Her folds smelled of hot, freshly baked bread

Oh no, please no.

he suckled on her hair

I try not to pick on people's personal preferences, but I must say that for me, a mouthful of hair is a pretty unerotic image. Thrill kill.

the hot pear at the apex of her folds.

Do you mean "hot pearl?"

Her breasts moved like cream in silk when she bounced with impatience.

Fabulous.

Her head flew back as she dropped down as far as it would go.

Confusing--to what does "it" refer?

I hope that's helpful.

-Varian

 

[damppanties]

I've come to the conclusion that I'm simply not all that comfortable writing erotica; or at least not comfortable enough to write naturally. So, the effect is a stilted style with poor rhythm and erratic prose. It is said that the best stories are written by authors who know their subject well, and have a strong personal interest in the characters and story lines. I love a good story more than I am attracted to erotica. I’m a bit too clinical and naive of the subject to be very good at it. I should stick to what I do well and experiment again as I improve.

I don't think most people are comfortable writing erotica when they start out. You're learning and that's the best part. Your story has its merits and you're better than lots of new authors. Lit is by far the best place to grow. If writing good erotica matters to you, I'd like you to continue with it. There are lots of people here who'd offer help along the way. I, for one, think that you can do it. It's just a matter of polishing.

 

[Varian P]

I've come to the conclusion that I'm simply not all that comfortable writing erotica; or at least not comfortable enough to write naturally. So, the effect is a stilted style with poor rhythm and erratic prose. It is said that the best stories are written by authors who know their subject well, and have a strong personal interest in the characters and story lines. I love a good story more than I am attracted to erotica. I’m a bit too clinical and naive of the subject to be very good at it. I should stick to what I do well and experiment again as I improve.

Damppanties is right, I think; most of us struggle to get comfortable writing erotica, and few people do it well in the beginning. When I look back at the first scenes I wrote, I cringe; they feel cold and distant, they're cliche in both conception and execuation.

In my opinion, your story has some weak moments, but it also has many strong ones, and overall, I found it more compelling than many stories I've read by others who've been at the erotica thing for some time.

I think there are many of us, too, who love a good story, and don't much go in for the quick vignettes that are all sex, with no plot or character development. It doesn't have to be an either or proposition. Personally, I've got a story up here that's over 200k words; it's full of explicit sex, but there's a good deal more going on.

In the end, of course, you should write what excites you, and work on doing it well. I think you can do erotica well, and I'd be glad to see your next experiment.

-Varian

 

[Penelope Street]

I've come to the conclusion that I'm simply not all that comfortable writing erotica; or at least not comfortable enough to write naturally. So, the effect is a stilted style with poor rhythm and erratic prose. It is said that the best stories are written by authors who know their subject well, and have a strong personal interest in the characters and story lines. I love a good story more than I am attracted to erotica. I’m a bit too clinical and naive of the subject to be very good at it.

Did you miss the part where I said "...this is one of the better vignettes I've read" ?

 

[~Horse~]

Please pardon the long delay in responding. I had to leave to go out of town and only just returned.

I appreciate all of your comments and must admit that most of them are better expressions than the ones I have chosen. You give me a number of insights and alternatives that appeal to me. I’ve added your point by point comments to the notes I keep with the piece. Each point is helpful!

Your votes of confidence are certainly inspiring, as is the fact that on balance those who read and voted on the story appear to think well of it. It is important to any author to receive such excellent feedback, especially on a first (serious) attempt. I know I can write well when inspired, and with natural feeling in a subject I know and understand well. All authors need and must listen to good critiques, no matter the opinions expressed. I am not thin-skinned in particular, nor am I dependent on accolades to continue in what I love and believe. I rely on the insights and impressions of others to help me better form understandable and fluid images and passages for those who read my flights of imagination. I also need corrections in the misuse of words, mangling of the language, spelling, and metaphor etc. (So as not to be imprisoned for crimes against the English Language. *smiles* )

I didn’t expect to come out of the gate, so to speak, with a prize-winning show stopper. It isn’t, but I do think it is a good story. I will write another simply because I need to know if I can immerse myself in the characters, atmosphere, environment and the energy of an erotic situation. I must admit that in the case of Jeremy’s Dream, I did not feel immersed in the scenes nor in the arousal. I described images and situations I imagined or experienced. It is usually best to show, not tell, in writing. While writing the story, there were moments I felt awkward and uncertain how to proceed. Is that normal for first time authors of erotica?

I believe if I take the best of your suggestions and smooth out the story’s presentation, that Jeremy’s Dream would be much better. That’s what is great about critiques. If there is a place to re-post the story, I will present for further critique.

I love to write. I have a long way to go before I am satisfied that anything I write could be considered for publication. I have no illusions. But I wonder if I can do Erotica justice. I believe the point is to excite and arouse the reader, to take them on a journey that leads moment to moment into a deeper excitement, both physical and cerebral, ultimately resulting in climax. If it is really good, reading it a second or third time could have similar results. Can I do that? This is what I wonder. We have all had sex and some of us in many and various ways. But fantasy is the dream world of imagination that bridges our secret needs and desires … the universe of the erotic.

I’ll try again after reworking the awkward parts of Jeremy’s Dream, and when I can immerse myself in the fantasy. If I need a towel while writing, then I’ll assume I’m getting close to having done it right. *grins*

Thanks again! You are great people to know.

 

[damppanties]

I didn’t expect to come out of the gate, so to speak, with a prize-winning show stopper. It isn’t, but I do think it is a good story. I will write another simply because I need to know if I can immerse myself in the characters, atmosphere, environment and the energy of an erotic situation.

Well, that's why I started out, to know if I could write good erotica. I couldn't at first. I recently went back and checked out a couple of my earliest stories on the site. They're kind of crap.

While writing the story, there were moments I felt awkward and uncertain how to proceed. Is that normal for first time authors of erotica?

Oh yes! And that 'yes' comes out with so much feeling.

If there is a place to re-post the story, I will present for further critique.

You can edit the story and replace it with the edited version here. Just submit it as usual and place EDITED next to the title of the story. (ex. Pleasure Wraith - EDITED) Also, mention in the 'Notes' section that you want your original story replaced.

I love to write. I have a long way to go before I am satisfied that anything I write could be considered for publication. I have no illusions. But I wonder if I can do Erotica justice. I believe the point is to excite and arouse the reader, to take them on a journey that leads moment to moment into a deeper excitement, both physical and cerebral, ultimately resulting in climax. If it is really good, reading it a second or third time could have similar results. Can I do that? This is what I wonder. We have all had sex and some of us in many and various ways. But fantasy is the dream world of imagination that bridges our secret needs and desires … the universe of the erotic.

You have too much expectation for a first-time writer of erotica. Of course, what you describe is how first class erotica should be, but do you really expect yourself to hit the bull's eye the first time? Believe me, a lot of good writers were really pathetic when they started out. Experience, trial and error, experimentation and critiques helped them get to where they are. I really don't think someone can just come up and write good erotica out of their heads for the first time. If only it was that easy!

If I need a towel while writing, then I’ll assume I’m getting close to having done it right. *grins*

Uhmmm... I hope you meant that as a joke because most people here consider their writing as a craft and are totally *not* aroused while the actual writing of the story. Thinking about the story in your head or plotting before the actual writing might be a different case though.

Thanks again! You are great people to know.

Yup, there are some real gems here.

 

[REVELATI0N]

that was kinda hawt, but there were a few details that could have been left out, like smelling like fresh baked bread…just screams yeast infection to me, ugh.

 

[~Horse~]

Uhmmm... I hope you meant that as a joke because most people here consider their writing as a craft and are totally *not* aroused while the actual writing of the story. Thinking about the story in your head or plotting before the actual writing might be a different case though.

Yup. That was a joke. I consider writing an art form. And thanks for the info on how to submit an edited story. : )

Of course, what you describe is how first class erotica should be, but do you really expect yourself to hit the bull's eye the first time?

Nope. Which is what I mean when I said I didn't expect to write a show stopper. Even so, I think any one is better off believeing in themselves and at least making the attempt.

... there were a few details that could have been left out, like smelling like fresh baked bread…just screams yeast infection to me, ugh.

If anyone ever mentions the bread again I'll scream. Really. I think I'm screaming now ... *shudders* Maybe take note it has been noted and let it sleep. Or die. Or fade. Or maybe just make toast with it and eat it with jam. Maybe with a poached egg. Or peanut butter. Whatever. But let that dog out! : )