First Submission - Looking for Feedback

[Scoobisnacks]

Hi everyone. I have been reading Literotica for years and finally decided to try my hand at writing. I would love to get people's feedback so I can continue to grow as a writer.

https://www.literotica.com/s/sylvies-plan

This is part one of a 2-part story. It is a "first time" story and in part 1 the main character remains a virgin. There is still plenty of erotica to enjoy, but the main event is going to be in part 2.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I personally wouldn't start with "talking to the audience" exposition. The first three paragraphs are a good "hook", but you follow it with some tell-don't-show. For instance, you write, "She had difficulty reading social cues and many of the social norms that just made sense to everyone else didn't make any sense to her." It's usually accepted that showing this would be better than just telling us it happens. The cannibalism anecdote later in the story makes this point perfectly. You don't need (in my opinion) to say it up top, then again down below.

Minor thing, but why would Irish heritage give her dark hair? There are "black Irish" people, but they're called that because most Irish people have light hair.

There's a lot of expository detail that just isn't needed, in my arrogant opinion. For instance, you have three sentences explaining why Silvie has a private room in the dorms. That might be a useful thing to say, but you could have said it in one sentence. You could even have her think it when she's about to masturbate, about how nice it is not to have to wait or beg for her roommate to leave. (I spend a lot of time cutting unneeded text from my own stories, it's possible I'm projecting. In fact, just after typing that sentence, I deleted two other sentences from this reply, because I thought it was too long!)

I'm not sure "viciously desperate" was the phrase you were looking for. "Vicious" implies cruelty.

Once you get into the actual story, it's very good, but you have stuff at the beginning that doesn't need to be there. And to repeat myself one more time: all of that is in my opinion. I'm just one reader.

The parts where Sylvie is horribly on edge and has to wait, where her friends tease her (and you don't tell us that this is deliberate until later--that was really effective), where they put on a show. All of that worked for me.

One final thing: I think your chapter break is at exactly the right point. Leave people wanting more.

-Annie

 

[Scoobisnacks]

Thanks for the feedback, Annie. With regards to "show don't tell", I agree with you generally. I was trying to have the narrator represent Sylvie's general train of thought and likely am not skilled enough yet to pull it off. I don't mean the italic text that is obviously a specific thought, but the rest of it. She's standing in front of a mirror being introspective, and sometimes we see a specific thought instead of the general idea of her thoughts. I am not trying to explain away your criticism, and thank you for it. I will work on it.



For the dark hair thing, about 10% of Irish people have dark hair. She is one of the 10% and I really didn't think much more of it beyond that.



I think your criticism of the repetition is fair. I repeat myself when speaking sometimes and that might have happened here.



I used "viciously desperate" because I wanted a word that showed Sylvie's feelings about her own desperation. Would you think it cruel to have something so close but so far away, almost taunting you? I see why it seems out of place. I think I could have justified the word "viciously" somehow (maybe by using some of the words I just typed above, lol) or used something else.



Thanks for the compliments as well. I had really hoped that the reveal about their behavior would be effective, so it is nice to hear you liked it.



Part 2 is coming soon.

 

[SteventheLibrarian]

Hi Scoobisnacks,

Steven here another first time writer and have just finished part 1 of a part 2 story which I am awaiting to be published.

Further to Annie's comments regarding the adjective "viciously" I agree, it has violent connotations in what is an intensely sexual scene. I would perhaps consider "wickedly" or "diabolically" as alternatives in my humble opinion.

There is a little too much detail in places but I do like the ending when her female friend is making Jake orgasm. You could really feel the pent up sexual tension with Sylvia ... the mix of excitement and trepidation she must be feeling as she is watching an incredibly primal and personal scene between two people.

Part 1 finishes well with the expectation that part 2 will see Sylvia exploring her sexuality further perhaps with Jake. There are numerous possibilities.

Well done!

Regards

Steven