First submission feedback

[SynSlave]

Well, I submitted my first story for the contest about 5 days ago (as some of you regulars may know). Hasn't done as well as I hoped but that's ok. I'm still going to submit another--but one with a different flavor.

But I was really looking for comments so I figure I'd try reaching out here. If it isn't asking too much--you don't have to rate or comment in the story if you don't want to--I'd like to ask for feedback here.

While I did see 8 people have clicked favorite on the story I'm not familiar enough with the current site's meta to know if everyone gets a dozen of those regardless. I have seen some one-page overnight jobs get favorites but who knows who likes and follows who, right? The rating certainly doesnt reflect a homerun, but i know erotic horror isn't a strong category here.

Basically I'm looking for feedback to find out what it is people liked and didn't like. Writing style? Plot? Is it certain elements of the story? Etc.

I'll take anything and everything. Beggars can't be choosers, right?

https://literotica.com/s/haleys-ladder

Disclaimer: There's no gore but plenty of dark and surreal elements (I how since that was my intent). So if you decline because it doesn't interest you then I thank you for reading this post at least.

 

[Jada59]

I read this new submission. Don't quite know what to say. Some of the verbiage seemed odd. Such as "lack of duplicity". It didn't really seem like a story to me. Just various events pieced together. I didn't really understand it and I didn't really see anything erotic. Sorry.

 

[SynSlave]

I read this new submission. Don't quite know what to say. Some of the verbiage seemed odd. Such as "lack of duplicity". It didn't really seem like story to me. Just various events pieced together. I didn't really understand it and I didn't really see anything erotic. Sorry.

Well, don't be sorry. I asked and you delivered.

 

[ElectricBlue]

That was sufficiently weird to be interesting.

I wasn't sure at first - the first thousand words or so were full of angry characters shouting and just being unpleasant to each other, but once you got Hayley to the club you seemed to settle down into a steadier rhythm and your text began to flow more smoothly. You dropped the staccato style in the introduction. Anyway, it got better, even if the plot went a tad strange.

You have some odd sentence constructions from time to time, but I reckon they will go away as you get more confidence in what you're doing. Just one example:

Haley finished getting ready some time ago and sat at the small kitchen table, legs splayed around the corner of a chair.

"...finished getting ready some time ago..."

Why "some time ago?" Surely she just finished getting ready?

Strange. Not erotic, but strange. Goes well with the "bizarre" I got on my Halloween story .

 

[SynSlave]

Thank you for taking the time to read and provide feedback. Bizarre is a word I'd use myself, happily.

I've reread the story multiple times since its been up (what writer doesnt?). But now I can re-read it again shortly and focus on how I worded the pre-club intro compared to the rest. Regarding the excerpt you quoted: I was trying to convey she was getting impatient and with reason. But I'll keep it in mind as I read it again. Thanks!

 

[LesDesirable]

You write quite well. You also write quite weird, but that was a good thing given the tone and pace of this tale. I agree with the excesses of modifiers, but for the most part all they do is color the room in a psychedelic spray rather than a monotone.

well done, it was interesting, but the oddities may well keep it on the low scores.

 

[8letters]

I've reread the story multiple times since its been up (what writer doesnt?).

I don't reread my stories once their published. Once they're published, they're gone. That part of me has forever been pushed out, and it's time to find a new story to take its place in my head.

 

[SynSlave]

You write quite well. You also write quite weird, but that was a good thing given the tone and pace of this tale. I agree with the excesses of modifiers, but for the most part all they do is color the room in a psychedelic spray rather than a monotone.

well done, it was interesting, but the oddities may well keep it on the low scores.

Thank you. I realize the specific work probably wouldn't have mass appeal. But while there's plenty if 1-2 page fluff pieces all tagged hot, I know there's a ton of authors and readers here that can reach depths and areas that more well-known published names have explored.

That's the direction I look to. Trying to catch up with those authors and readers to see if I can I play in the sandbox as well.

I don't reread my stories once their published. Once they're published, they're gone. That part of me has forever been pushed out, and it's time to find a new story to take its place in my head.

That sounds like a blessing! Typically, I don't even last 2-3 minutes when clicking submit on a post before I'm editing...