First Sub Experiance (perhaps long winded)

[Tiramisu]

Hi,

I've been reading the forum for a couple of weeks, but hadn't had a reason to post, until now. I have just gotten involved in a relationship with a very dear friend of mine that has turned (very recently) into romantic and then to the D/s. We have both been fairly open with our appreciation for kink over the years but he has had much more experience with it then myself.

I had considered myself a "switch" however after reading much of the forums I think that topping in my past has had more to do with pleasing the person I am with then getting any true feeling of "top space." I have been topped, but with such little sincerity on the part of the "Dom" that I never reached "subspace" until my last encounter with this person who I am currently seeing.

And he says it happened by accident.

We had been teasing a flirting various scenarios over the last couple of weeks, and discussing our own various sexual exploits. He told be he felt more like a bottom and that he really enjoyed subspace, and I was frankly disappointed. However, as there are emotional/romantic feelings involved I had figured it would be easy and fun enough to top him. I had spent a week reading the forums for ideas, practicing Japanese rope tying, and psyching myself to top the heck out of him and make him a quivering mass of pleasure.

We had a few nights of delicious vanilla sex, as we both seemed a bit shy about going to the next level. At some point, he sensed I was tense and started massaging my neck and shoulders. He wordlessly continued the rubdown chatting lightly about how his masseuse uses the same techniques, he lifted me into various positions, place a heating pad under my back, kept me warm, and thoroughly loosened all of my muscles with an assortment so pleasure and pain. A little chit chat followed as he lay next to me on the bed, and he closed my eyes and gently caressed my face.

Eventually he started gently teasing, caressing, and spanking - and I feel through and deeply into subspace (as far as I can tell). It was the most liberating thing I had ever feel, terrifying, but blissful I ached with trust, and lust and secret hopes that he would begin testing my limits... (I hadn't even know I'd wanted them tested just an hour before).

He brought be out of if fairly quickly, but gently - he didn't let me go to deep, and he explained it to me, but I could barely think, let alone speak. It was really scary. He held me and reassured me that he wouldn't go anywhere, and I was moved almost to tears (well maybe a few tears) by the intensity of the experience.

It took me a few hours to be normal(-ish) but I am left very confused.

This has opened a can of worms, I am a very "in control" typer person, I am obsessed with taking care of myself, and terrified of my own malleability - I have always bee aware of it, and have done most everything in my power to avoid it... and yet I am drawn to D/s.

In the last few weeks of our relationship after it turned from "just friends" into romantic, I have forced myself to not stay coolly in control of my emotions and just let myself go. (The "being in control thing has prevented me from having more then one orgasm). In that time I have had the best most liberating and intimate sex of my life - and the sub experience was like a Diamond in Cake.

Afterwards, we talked and he expressed having enjoyed it, but not being interested in having be a large or central part of our romantic relationship, or sex life. He says he doesn't want to be a fetish - in the sense that one cannot perform with out it present. He has made it clear that he doesn't want 24/7 and I'm sure he still want s me to top him.

...

But, he has just opened a doorway into my greatest sexual fantasy ever (one I didn't really know I had)- submitting completely to a man whom I trust and respect. I'm not sure if I can ever look at him the same way again... I'm worried that I'll be trapped in subspace - and I don't want to be "a zombie."

I've communicated, or tried to, these feelings to him, and consented that it isn't the Dom's job to take care of every little emotional need of a sub - and I don't believe (after reading many "sub frenzy" threads) that I am going to run out and do anything stupid. I just don't feel like he understands the emotional gravity of introducing someone to subbing and then saying, "Well, here is the greatest thing ever - but not all the time." I am left feeling very insecure.

Very insecure and I am not an insecure person. I'm not sure if this was just a rant, or if anyone can pick the questions out of that, or maybe just have sympathy for someone who has fallen hard into the reality of their sub side... I just had to get that out.

Thanks,

Tiramisu

 

[SpencerAlanMacLeod]

You posted, “Afterwards, we talked and he expressed having enjoyed it, but not being interested in having be a large or central part of our romantic relationship, or sex life.”

You talked together about it and that’s a start. Without an honest dialogue, this could get very messy.

You posted, “…he has just opened a doorway into my greatest sexual fantasy ever…”

That’s very exciting when that happens (and it’s happened to me a couple of times). The thing to remember is that it may be good for him but not his greatest. Or it could be that he is simply afraid to open up that far. It might be that he is still sorting it out, too.

You posted, “I just don't feel like he understands…”

Perhaps neither of you understands, as clearly as you’d like to. The power exchange from sub to Dom is not a thing of understanding or logic.

It’s a primal thing based partly on the irresistible urge to continue the bloodline (sex). It’s also based partly on strong emotional needs that are long standing in both parties.

You posted, “I am left feeling very insecure.”

I can well appreciate that. You might not be alone in this either. The one you mention in your post might be going through the same thing.

And even if they are not, your feelings count here, my dear. You have opened your heart up to someone who you trust and that is always a risky thing to do. Sometimes it works out well and sometimes it gets awkward.

There are a couple of things to remember. A long standing friendship builds trust and romance is a powerful entanglement. Add the Power of Sexual Bondage and Discipline into this and the whole thing becomes just that much more intense, awkward and confusing.

Please note I type the following with the utmost respect here.
While there are no specific answers you can be sure of, you can be sure of yourself. You posted it was your first real sub space experience and your post reads like it was your first sub experience, too. What you’ve gone through isn’t that unusual, although it’s that unusual for you.

Hope this helps you a bit.
Good Luck and please let us know how it works out.

 

[cobblestonefog]

It was the most liberating thing I had ever feel, terrifying, but blissful I ached with trust, and lust and secret hopes that he would begin testing my limits... (I hadn't even know I'd wanted them tested just an hour before).

Whoa. Just, whoa. That sounds amazing. I don't have any advice to give you, not having much experience with this myself (never acheiving subspace, either), but good luck. I'm glad you got to experience that, it sounds absolutely beautiful.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

I wish I could post advice but I haven't been in sub space. I just wanted to say how beautiful your post was. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Ivy

 

[myinnerslut]

congratulations. i hope you continue to explore this and you and your partner are happy together.


oh, and welcome to lit

 

[Tiramisu]

Please note I type the following with the utmost respect here.
While there are no specific answers you can be sure of, you can be sure of yourself. You posted it was your first real sub space experience and your post reads like it was your first sub experience, too. What you’ve gone through isn’t that unusual, although it’s that unusual for you.

No! I find that aspect great! I had read about "subspace" before, and if I hadn't I would have been terrified! It is so reassuring to know that others have done this, and that there are resources. When I described it later to my partner, I found myself using the terminology I had read - but really having felt it... I don't know THAT was a thrill.

I don't think I could have ever understood it if I hadn't felt it. I don't feel less special I feel more special knowing that there is a community of people out there that I can share with!

 

[Netzach]

"I just don't feel like he understands the emotional gravity of introducing someone to subbing and then saying, "Well, here is the greatest thing ever - but not all the time." I am left feeling very insecure."

This is holding him responsible for your reactions.

While I've been there and done that too, think about that a bit if the shoe were on the other foot. If the scene had been lovely for you but something you could put away and take out later but MINDBLOWING for him and he just wanted it all the time...

 

[Tiramisu]

While I've been there and done that too, think about that a bit if the shoe were on the other foot. If the scene had been lovely for you but something you could put away and take out later but MINDBLOWING for him and he just wanted it all the time...

This is soooooooooo true. Thanks for the perspective, I hadn't at all looked at it that way. I really appreciate the wake up - was being selfish - has anyone ever mentioned that this board is rad?

 

[liberatedslave]

I think also that anything you find that awesome should very deliberately not become your everyday sexual experience or the specialness of subspace will be lost.

To give up your power to someone and then for them to use that power and devote it to giving you and amazing subspace experience is an amazing thing. When my Sir decides to spoil me this way it's a wonderful reward but it doesn't leave me feeling particularly submissive. My first duty is to serve him - so that when he does choose to reward me like that I can feel as though I've done something to earn it.

By the same token, if I wanted him to do this for me all the time?
1) He'd laugh in my face
2) I'd feel guilty and selfish

For me this kind of sex has to be the icing rather than the cake. Your guy may see things the same way.

 

[ssinlove]

i don't think you can become sub or else, this is just the way we are.