First Story

[clownprince2008]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=324627

You know what to do. Find any bad things about my story and tell me about it. Positives would also be nice.

But in all honesty, I think I rushed this and it could've been better

 

[drksideofthemoon]

All in all, a good first story, I quite enjoyed it.

You should have had someone edit, or proofread it to get rid of the errors.

My major quibble with this piece is the use of numbers. Don't use numbers, write the word out.

It's funny, only 5 years ago I was just the guy who stared across at her in class. 6 years ago my only thought about her was, "hey, she's good eye candy". 7 years ago, I didn't even know who she was.

It's funny, only five years ago I was just the guy who stared across at her in class. Six years ago my only thought about her was, "hey, she's good eye candy". Seven years ago, I didn't even know who she was.

Which reads better?

Also, don't use all caps for emphasis, italicize instead.

All in all, your story was a pleasant surprise, well done.

 

[mjl2010]

Not bad. I liked the way you used past and present to build up to the ending.

Despite some spelling and other problems, it was an easy read. I'd suggest an editor or at least someone to read it through a couple of times.

Before writing another first time story, educate yourself on female anatomy. The hymen is located at the entrance to the vagina, not inside it. Sorry but this is a big peeve of mine.

For a first story, I thought it was great. Well done for the most part. You got my attention and kept it throughout the story.

MJL

 

[clownprince2008]

Thanks for the positive feedback. And I must admit, after writing the story, I didn't exactly feel like reading it over again so that's why there are a few grammatical errors.

 

[ninefe2dg]

Thanks for the positive feedback. And I must admit, after writing the story, I didn't exactly feel like reading it over again so that's why there are a few grammatical errors.

Hey there, some people are picky and easily distracted by typos, so you should take the time to read over as a courtesy, especially when asking for feedback.

I was bored by the story at first, but liked it more as I went on. I liked the back and forth in time, and the way you did NOT end the story with the inevitable sex. That was as good as a twist. Nicely done. Any way you could create a bit more tension up front would be good. Anything from Amber's perspective you could bring out, maybe?

Whether it's 50, Fifty, fifty, or L...it ain't elderly!

Do doctors still make house calls? I would have expected more of a Mrs. Mia Wallace/Vincent Vega adrenaline to the heart moment...sorry that's my second Q reference of the night!

A nice story, very sweet actually...we all have those Amber/Joey Potters in our lives we can relate to...

One other picky point..."virgin status"...sounded like something Beldar the Conehead might say..."Connie, have you lost your virgin status with that earthling?"

(Sorry it's late here...)

 

[MeganForever]

Liked it!

 

[clownprince2008]

Hey there, some people are picky and easily distracted by typos, so you should take the time to read over as a courtesy, especially when asking for feedback.

I was bored by the story at first, but liked it more as I went on. I liked the back and forth in time, and the way you did NOT end the story with the inevitable sex. That was as good as a twist. Nicely done. Any way you could create a bit more tension up front would be good. Anything from Amber's perspective you could bring out, maybe?

Do doctors still make house calls?

I wanted to do some parts from Amber's perspective but I just find it tricky to write in 3rd person.

Like I said before, I don't like reading one of my own stories again after I'd just written it. Might consider an editor.

As for doctors making house calls. That occured to me too. I don't think they do it much so thats why I turned the guy into somewhat of an arsehole.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Thanks for the positive feedback. And I must admit, after writing the story, I didn't exactly feel like reading it over again so that's why there are a few grammatical errors.

Sorry, that's just part of the writing process, going back and making corrections. I'll be the first to admit that I find it tedious going back through my own work, but it's just something that has to be done.

If it's worth doing, then it's worth doing right.

 

[clownprince2008]

Sorry, that's just part of the writing process, going back and making corrections. I'll be the first to admit that I find it tedious going back through my own work, but it's just something that has to be done.

If it's worth doing, then it's worth doing right.

Might consider getting an editor.

And about your first reply. What did you mean by my story was a pleasant surprise? Did you expect it to be very very shit?