First Story

[Torrie]

Hello, all...

Below is a link to my first story published here on Literotica. Would appreciate feedback if anyone has the time. Have a great day!!

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=128764

Torrie
To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides
~~David Viscott

 

[bonnybee]

Since you asked

Hi Torrie,

Quite a torrid scenario and story plot you've drawn there. But since you asked, I have a few suggestions:
1. You've mixed first and second person...I think it would work better to be all first person...you could do this by basically changing you to he and naming your partner at the beginning.
2. The narrative could use more dialog...each time a person speaks, a new paragraph. It breaks up the narrative and makes it more readable. It also lets you tell what the other person is thinking by having him/her say it.
3. Proof read...there are several places that a word is obviously missing.
4. Keep verb tenses consistent. One example... "It had stopped raining and the sun broke." should be It had stopped raining and the sun had broken (from behind the clouds.) Or maybe,
It had stopped raining and the sun peeped from behind the clouds.

Overall, I'd say a very nice first try...keep at it

Ben