I have just had my first story approved and would really appreciate some feedback on it
thanks
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=101656
thanks
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=101656
first story
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Rainbow Skin
Literotica Guru
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The scene-painting starts well, with the feel of the cold stone and the weight and rattle of the chains. I think you should have made more of them later on, as she's writhing so they'd be even more noticeable then. She pulls at the ropes but you don't indicate the feeling.
The construction is fine: beginning, middle, and end make sense. Of course it starts abruptly, without explanation, but that's your intention. Actually, mentioning the park weakens it a bit, because it doesn't really help to explain how she got here: the meeting, the agreement, the taking, or whatever it was that happened. If you mention the park you sort of need to flesh it out; perhaps better to keep it more mysterious.
Some might object to the sudden switch from 'he' to 'you'. I'm assuming you knew what you were doing, and it's a sudden change of relationship, when he accepts her and she can now talk more intimately. If it was deliberate, I like the effect.
No problems with description except that 'and in one swift movement had impaled me on your impressive girth' is full of cliches - swift, impale, impressive, and girth.
The one big problem is that some sentences just run on into the next. I was going to ignore the first couple of examples, as just overlooked commas, then I came to this:
'You will obey me' his voice was silky soft and yet hard as ice at the same time a tingle of excitement and fear rose in me as I nodded frantically, letting him see into my eyes hoping he could see the sincerity there.
Read this through again, preferably aloud, and you should see all the problems. They're all to do with intonation. You need punctuation that shows the intonation.
First, you can't write 'You will obey me' his voice was... as if it was like 'You will obey me,' he said. -- Although his voice is doing something, it's not a way of showing what he said. Try it with a simpler sentence:
'Obey me,' his voice said.
'Obey me,' his voice came.
'Obey me,' his voice ordered.
'Obey me,' his voice was harsh.
I think you'll agree you can get away with the first three, though they sound a bit odd, but definitely not the last one where you go on to describe the voice, as you've done in your longer sentence. Really it should be him saying it, then full stop, then new sentence describing his voice: 'You will obey me.' His voice was silky soft and...
Next it looks like you've mixed two sentences. The phrase at the same time could belong to either of these:
His voice was silky soft and yet hard as ice at the same time.
At the same time a tingle of excitement and fear rose in me...
Both of those make sense separately, but as you had them the middle phrase was trying to belong to both at once:
His voice was silky soft and yet hard as ice at the same time a tingle of excitement and fear rose in me...
I've concentrated on this because you make similar run-ons quite a few times, and they make it hard to read. You need to re-read it to yourself slowly (aloud or silently), making sure that the rhythms are right. I think this is just a proofreading problem, because you can certainly write correctly most of the time, but too many escaped your attention.
Oh, another example I should mention:
'Cum for me little one show me how much you need this' I screamed then a scream that penetrated even the gag.
When you have quoted speech, then someone using a speech verb in the same paragraph, they should always go together: this reads quite unambiguously that she screamed that. So you need to either put her reaction in a separate paragraph, or put in a 'he said' before her 'I screamed' changes the subject.
Well done and keep writing.
The construction is fine: beginning, middle, and end make sense. Of course it starts abruptly, without explanation, but that's your intention. Actually, mentioning the park weakens it a bit, because it doesn't really help to explain how she got here: the meeting, the agreement, the taking, or whatever it was that happened. If you mention the park you sort of need to flesh it out; perhaps better to keep it more mysterious.
Some might object to the sudden switch from 'he' to 'you'. I'm assuming you knew what you were doing, and it's a sudden change of relationship, when he accepts her and she can now talk more intimately. If it was deliberate, I like the effect.
No problems with description except that 'and in one swift movement had impaled me on your impressive girth' is full of cliches - swift, impale, impressive, and girth.
The one big problem is that some sentences just run on into the next. I was going to ignore the first couple of examples, as just overlooked commas, then I came to this:
'You will obey me' his voice was silky soft and yet hard as ice at the same time a tingle of excitement and fear rose in me as I nodded frantically, letting him see into my eyes hoping he could see the sincerity there.
Read this through again, preferably aloud, and you should see all the problems. They're all to do with intonation. You need punctuation that shows the intonation.
First, you can't write 'You will obey me' his voice was... as if it was like 'You will obey me,' he said. -- Although his voice is doing something, it's not a way of showing what he said. Try it with a simpler sentence:
'Obey me,' his voice said.
'Obey me,' his voice came.
'Obey me,' his voice ordered.
'Obey me,' his voice was harsh.
I think you'll agree you can get away with the first three, though they sound a bit odd, but definitely not the last one where you go on to describe the voice, as you've done in your longer sentence. Really it should be him saying it, then full stop, then new sentence describing his voice: 'You will obey me.' His voice was silky soft and...
Next it looks like you've mixed two sentences. The phrase at the same time could belong to either of these:
His voice was silky soft and yet hard as ice at the same time.
At the same time a tingle of excitement and fear rose in me...
Both of those make sense separately, but as you had them the middle phrase was trying to belong to both at once:
His voice was silky soft and yet hard as ice at the same time a tingle of excitement and fear rose in me...
I've concentrated on this because you make similar run-ons quite a few times, and they make it hard to read. You need to re-read it to yourself slowly (aloud or silently), making sure that the rhythms are right. I think this is just a proofreading problem, because you can certainly write correctly most of the time, but too many escaped your attention.
Oh, another example I should mention:
'Cum for me little one show me how much you need this' I screamed then a scream that penetrated even the gag.
When you have quoted speech, then someone using a speech verb in the same paragraph, they should always go together: this reads quite unambiguously that she screamed that. So you need to either put her reaction in a separate paragraph, or put in a 'he said' before her 'I screamed' changes the subject.
Well done and keep writing.
Last edited:
thank you for your response.
i have re-read the story with your suggestions in mind and i see exactly what you mean.
it is somthing that i have done in another story i have just written and never picked up on until you pointed it out thank you. I never was any good at grammer in school.
the switch from he to you was deliberate and im pleased you noticed it i felt that it showed the shift in her feelings for him
thank you for replying and i will try to remember your advice in my next attempt
i have re-read the story with your suggestions in mind and i see exactly what you mean.
it is somthing that i have done in another story i have just written and never picked up on until you pointed it out thank you. I never was any good at grammer in school.
the switch from he to you was deliberate and im pleased you noticed it i felt that it showed the shift in her feelings for him
thank you for replying and i will try to remember your advice in my next attempt
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
Okay. I zipped right down here after reading the piece, trying to keep my eyes closed over Rainbow Skin's critique so I can be unbiased. I'll read what he said after I post this, then maybe ad more.
The first thing that jumped out at me was the shift from third person to second person halfway through the piece. It just really rocked me, and not in a good way. I really never recovered from it, it just came as such a shock, almost like you started writing in another language or something. It really must be fixed.
Most people around here, myself included, have an aversion to second person writing. The intimacy implied in second person just does't seem to carry over to a mass audience, and for my part, everytime you tell me "I" do something, I tend to jump and think, "Huh? I did?" I know it sounds weird, but I begin to resent being told what I did and didn't do. I don;t know. Maybe there are some people who like second person, but I don't l know many.
You really need an editor. There are many, many comma errors, more than I could point out in a review like this, some of which made me do a hard double take and left me puzzling over what you were trying to say.
On the plus side you have some very solid imagery, and you have a good erotic imagination. I like the way you handle her ambiguity of feeling. I always like to hear what things are like from the sub's point of view, and you tell us. In fact, I think that's the strongest part of the story.
I realize that this is actually just a vignette, a description of a scene, and so it doesn't require any explanation for who she is or who he is or how they got there. Still, this robs you of a lot of erotic possibilities. We don't know who she is normally, or anything like that.
I also noticed that I couldn't follow just what was happening to her. At the start she's lying down, but at some point she seems to be standing up. Did you tell us that she gets up? Did I miss that? Also, she has a single iron ring around her ankles at the start, and then later she must have it off. When did that happen? You've got to keep all these details very straight in your mind.
Anyhow, you should look for an editor. Other than that, good first effort.
---dr.M.
The first thing that jumped out at me was the shift from third person to second person halfway through the piece. It just really rocked me, and not in a good way. I really never recovered from it, it just came as such a shock, almost like you started writing in another language or something. It really must be fixed.
Most people around here, myself included, have an aversion to second person writing. The intimacy implied in second person just does't seem to carry over to a mass audience, and for my part, everytime you tell me "I" do something, I tend to jump and think, "Huh? I did?" I know it sounds weird, but I begin to resent being told what I did and didn't do. I don;t know. Maybe there are some people who like second person, but I don't l know many.
You really need an editor. There are many, many comma errors, more than I could point out in a review like this, some of which made me do a hard double take and left me puzzling over what you were trying to say.
On the plus side you have some very solid imagery, and you have a good erotic imagination. I like the way you handle her ambiguity of feeling. I always like to hear what things are like from the sub's point of view, and you tell us. In fact, I think that's the strongest part of the story.
I realize that this is actually just a vignette, a description of a scene, and so it doesn't require any explanation for who she is or who he is or how they got there. Still, this robs you of a lot of erotic possibilities. We don't know who she is normally, or anything like that.
I also noticed that I couldn't follow just what was happening to her. At the start she's lying down, but at some point she seems to be standing up. Did you tell us that she gets up? Did I miss that? Also, she has a single iron ring around her ankles at the start, and then later she must have it off. When did that happen? You've got to keep all these details very straight in your mind.
Anyhow, you should look for an editor. Other than that, good first effort.
---dr.M.
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
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- 11,528
So the first person-second person was intended, huh? And RS liked it? Well, I respect his opinion, I just have to say that I didn't like it. To each his/her own.
Weren't good at grammar in school? Well, I don't know if many of us were. I think most of us learn our grammar more from reading than from textbooks though. You get so things just sound right. Read all the good stuff you can,.which means don't try to learn grammar from what's published here. Most authors here ar in the same boat you are.
---dr.M.
Weren't good at grammar in school? Well, I don't know if many of us were. I think most of us learn our grammar more from reading than from textbooks though. You get so things just sound right. Read all the good stuff you can,.which means don't try to learn grammar from what's published here. Most authors here ar in the same boat you are.
---dr.M.
Rainbow Skin
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2002
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dr_mabeuse's opinions are always shrewd and worth having.
It isn't "grammar" -- that implies rules, and arbitrariness, and orders to conform. Don't worry about "grammar" as if it's some test you have to pass. It isn't.
It's whether it flows, whether it reads smoothly and naturally. You can decide that. Get that right and you don't have to worry about small details. You have to read it, not just write it. You only have to write it once -- after that, everyone else is reading, so you've got to make sure it's reading that works.
It isn't "grammar" -- that implies rules, and arbitrariness, and orders to conform. Don't worry about "grammar" as if it's some test you have to pass. It isn't.
It's whether it flows, whether it reads smoothly and naturally. You can decide that. Get that right and you don't have to worry about small details. You have to read it, not just write it. You only have to write it once -- after that, everyone else is reading, so you've got to make sure it's reading that works.
hiddenself
Really Really Experienced
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- Dec 17, 2002
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