First story written would love feedback and constructive criticism

[Jrodmoney]

Hey all! I have posted my story and would love some constructive criticism. I have recently started to enjoy writing and strive to get better. I look forward to hearing from you all. Happy Almost New Years!!

https://www.literotica.com/s/roxanne-and-jack-at-work

 

[tomlitilia]

Hey all! I have posted my story and would love some constructive criticism. I have recently started to enjoy writing and strive to get better. I look forward to hearing from you all. Happy Almost New Years!!

https://www.literotica.com/s/roxanne-and-jack-at-work

I'll offer three things I believe would have made it better to my taste.

1) Starting out wit a physical description, emphasizing bra size, gives me bad vibes. I usually stop reading after that. If that's the most essential part of the story, it's rarely for me.

2) Instead of just writing the background of Roxanne telling Jack about finding some other co-worker hot, why not write that conversation? That's the start of the seduction, right? It's good to avoid info-dumps when possible.

3) The story doesn't have any conflict. It's a straight description of two people wanting to have sex with each other. The guy is cheating on his wife with a co-worker, so there should be plenty of complicating emotions and reluctant desire to consider.

Just my 3 cents. God luck on future stories!

 

[MelissaBaby]

I second everything that tomlitilia said. You have the kernel of a really good story, possibly a longer series here, you just need to flesh it out more.

 

[Jrodmoney]

Thank you for the feedback!

I'll offer three things I believe would have made it better to my taste.

1) Starting out wit a physical description, emphasizing bra size, gives me bad vibes. I usually stop reading after that. If that's the most essential part of the story, it's rarely for me.

2) Instead of just writing the background of Roxanne telling Jack about finding some other co-worker hot, why not write that conversation? That's the start of the seduction, right? It's good to avoid info-dumps when possible.

3) The story doesn't have any conflict. It's a straight description of two people wanting to have sex with each other. The guy is cheating on his wife with a co-worker, so there should be plenty of complicating emotions and reluctant desire to consider.

Just my 3 cents. God luck on future stories!

Thank you very much for the feedback! I have written a part 2 and submitted it but in future stories I will be more detailed with the emotion etc. this is based on a current true life fantasy. So there are a lot of emotions to be detailed. The female knows and seems to be torn as to if she wants to hear about my fantasy with her. So perhaps I will start over and be more detailed! Again thank you for taking the time to help me improve my writing!

 

[Maeven_quinn]

Hey all! I have posted my story and would love some constructive criticism. I have recently started to enjoy writing and strive to get better. I look forward to hearing from you all. Happy Almost New Years!!

https://www.literotica.com/s/roxanne-and-jack-at-work

Hello. Exacting description of anatomy is a major turn off for me too.

My impression, of the first few paragraphs, is that there is outline to a story. There aren't any real scenes or actions going on though. That prevented me from getting into the story, in addition to the red flag of bra and height size.

You might have added some tension about "co-worker is hot" moment. Okay, she admits a co-worker is hot? Which one? Why? Is it a juicy scandal maybe? Is there some office gossip? Is there some risk in pursing that hot someone? How does hearing about this hot someone motivate the narrator do something about the girl he's after apparently?

There's potential to have a good set up in this opening scenes, and reader's need a good set up before they care about the sex later on.

 

[SimonDoom]

I have a few thoughts. I agree with what Tomlitilia said. You need conflict. You don't need a lot. But over halfway through the story it suddenly becomes a mild femdom story, which is the most interesting thing that happens in the story. One way to create conflict would be to establish that the male character generally likes control, and Roxanne's desire to take control, and his acquiescence to her desire, runs counter to the way he usually is. You might also somehow foreshadow what's to come in the beginning.

Don't put measurements in the first paragraph. How would the narrator know she's a 36C? He hasn't measured her, right? There's no way he'd know that. Also, you mention this measurement twice in the story.


I have some grammar/punctuation/style comments.

You frequently join two independent clauses with a comma. The first sentence is an example. That's incorrect. You should replace the comma with a semicolon, or, better, a period. This error appears frequently in the story. You might brush up on comma use. My recommendation is simply to make shorter sentences.

You mix up tenses somewhat. It's in past tense, but in paragraph 5 you suddenly use present tense -- "it all seems." Stick with past tense. Paragraph 6 should be "Monday rolled around" not "rolls around. In the last paragraph, you should replace "will" with "would."

Follow standard dialogue conventions, including use of punctuation.

Roxanne said to me "fuck me right here right now"

should be

Roxanne said to me, "Fuck me here right now."






There's no dialogue until nearly half-way through the story. Replace your narration of dialogue with real dialogue. It makes it a better and more enjoyable read.