First story - would love some feedback on it

[tantrayaan]

Hey everyone,

I’m a first-time writer and just put out the first few chapters of my story Yantra Protocol. It’s a mix of harem romance, Indian mythology, thriller, and some pretty raw emotional moments. The story is meant to be grounded, character-driven evoking vivid images of the world it is set in.

https://cdn.scribblehub.com/images/78/Yantra-Protocol_1566049_1745705618.jpg

Yantra Protocol​

Bharath moves from Chennai to Calcutta to join Heritage City — one of India’s top football clubs — with dreams of becoming a professional footballer. But after rescuing a mysterious man from a robbery, he finds himself drawn into a hidden world of vivid dreams, powerful women, and ancient forces...

Honestly, this is the kind of story I always wanted to read — mixing a bit of wildness with real emotions — so I decided to try writing it myself. Now that a few chapters are out, I'd really love to hear what people think.

(Excerpt from Chapter 2 below)

“I didn’t want to ruin you,” she said quietly. “I didn’t want to live that life anymore.”

Bharath folded his arms. “Tell me everything.”

She sank onto the floor, voice low but clear.

“They call themselves the Syndicate. They use girls like me—pretty, poor, invisible—to lure in men. Build trust. Break it. Drain their lives dry. I did it. Many times. But not with you. I couldn’t.”

Bharath sat on the edge of the coffee table, heart pounding.

“How do I know this isn’t still part of the con?”

She reached into her bag and pulled out a tiny recorder — the device she was supposed to plant in his home.
“I didn’t do it," she said. "I came here instead. Because you’re the only one who ever looked at me like a person... and not a job.”

If you get a chance to read even a little, would love to hear your honest thoughts:

• What parts pulled you in?
• What didn’t quite land?
• Anything you want to see more of?

I'm still figuring everything out as I go, so any feedback would seriously help. Thanks so much if you take the time to check it out!

Appreciate you all

 

[cally420]

You have a clear and specific voice in your storytelling. I appreciate what you're trying to do (I think) and while I'm not sure I'm your target audience, I'd say you're a dab hand at storytelling.

I'll try to think a little more literary in the way I'm thinking about your work, because you're not just creating smut here... you're trying for something more, yeah?

Your sense of place is evocative. I'm a Westerner, but I've traveled quite a bit in India. I've been to Chennai and also to Kolkata (well, I guess it was still Calcutta in 2000). But your descriptions resonate with my memories of those places. The mix of architectures, the constant sense of movement, the food vendors, the super-varied mix of people. This all hits home really well for me.

Which reminds me... I'm curious about the particular choice of date/year... I assume it's significant? I'm guessing there's also all kinds of cultural context going as well that just sails merrily over my head in terms of the different cultural groups that're interacting here. I mean, I get that there's a lot of different cultures busily clashing in India, but the nuances of "a Tamil football player on a Bengali team" are lost on me. Is there a way to give outsiders a route in to understanding the context in a more universal way? I mean I get the "outsider" vibe. But there's more going on here, I'm sure of it.

Bharath seems like an interesting and relatable character. He could maybe have some more flaws... aside from what seems to be a lack of filial piety, he's naive and impulsive... maybe a little prideful. But these are soft flaws. Does he have more significant ones?

Conversely, the football players and coach are a little cookie cutter. The gruff coach. The players wary of outsiders, one going so far as to deliberately hurt him, TWICE. Are they all shitheels?

The erotic elements are well crafted and there's a sense of progression throughout. Again, I feel certain that there's some context and symbolism that's lost on me but I don't know that's hurting the effectiveness of these parts. These bits are quite poetic, with symbolic layers beyond the simple sensuality.

 

[tantrayaan]

You have a clear and specific voice in your storytelling. I appreciate what you're trying to do (I think) and while I'm not sure I'm your target audience, I'd say you're a dab hand at storytelling.

I'll try to think a little more literary in the way I'm thinking about your work, because you're not just creating smut here... you're trying for something more, yeah?

Your sense of place is evocative. I'm a Westerner, but I've traveled quite a bit in India. I've been to Chennai and also to Kolkata (well, I guess it was still Calcutta in 2000). But your descriptions resonate with my memories of those places. The mix of architectures, the constant sense of movement, the food vendors, the super-varied mix of people. This all hits home really well for me.

Which reminds me... I'm curious about the particular choice of date/year... I assume it's significant? I'm guessing there's also all kinds of cultural context going as well that just sails merrily over my head in terms of the different cultural groups that're interacting here. I mean, I get that there's a lot of different cultures busily clashing in India, but the nuances of "a Tamil football player on a Bengali team" are lost on me. Is there a way to give outsiders a route in to understanding the context in a more universal way? I mean I get the "outsider" vibe. But there's more going on here, I'm sure of it.

Bharath seems like an interesting and relatable character. He could maybe have some more flaws... aside from what seems to be a lack of filial piety, he's naive and impulsive... maybe a little prideful. But these are soft flaws. Does he have more significant ones?

Conversely, the football players and coach are a little cookie cutter. The gruff coach. The players wary of outsiders, one going so far as to deliberately hurt him, TWICE. Are they all shitheels?

The erotic elements are well crafted and there's a sense of progression throughout. Again, I feel certain that there's some context and symbolism that's lost on me but I don't know that's hurting the effectiveness of these parts. These bits are quite poetic, with symbolic layers beyond the simple sensuality.

Wow. Thank you so much for the reply!

This was great. I am still pending moderation for my series and stories 4&5... would love your thoughts on it if you do get the time.