First Story - would love feedback

[stlgoddessfreya]

Hello Literotica authors! I've been enjoying your stories for years and writing short stories for years but just put the two together this week. I would love to get your feedback on the first installment before I write the next one this weekend.

Title: Browser History Ch. 1

Non-Consent/Reluctance

http://www.literotica.com/s/browser-history-ch-1

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Thanks so much for reading my story and your feedback! It was a lot of fun to write, and the next installment is already plotted out, I just need a few hours this weekend to write it. My plan for this story is that it will have 4 or 5 chapters that describe three separate, connected encounters.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

It reminds me of Alice Nelson's diary where she talks about the vacation she and Sam Franklin took to Cleveland and how they shared a fat black cock. "Maybe Mike and Carol Brady can go with us next year!"

2 starz for wasting my time.

 

[sober71]

First story

Love your story, fun and sexy, part two soon please

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

2 seems like it's probably high praise from you, JAMESBJOHNSON. Thanks for reading.

Thanks for reading sober71!

 

[Bert_Fegg]

I liked it. Looking forward to part 2

 

[walkerlong]

This is a good beginning. I like the excited innocence of the main character.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Thanks Bert and walkerlong! I wanted something different from the Non-Consent/Reluctance trope of the girl who doesn't want any sexual contact at all who gets brutally taken, then suddenly ends up loving it. I wanted it to come across that her reluctance was more out of fear of the unknown and uncertainty about the situation than being terrified for her physical safety or disgusted by the thought of sex with him. I think this is a lot more ambiguous and creates an interesting tension.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Thanks so much for reading the beginning of my story, Browser History. The next chapter is up and I'd love to know what you think.

http://www.literotica.com/s/browser-history-ch-02?page=1

 

[walkerlong]

Nice balance between reluctance and eagerness.

That's a link to page 2, however, which I didn't realize right away.

 

[Lost_In_Eden]

I really liked it. I sent you a PM going into a bit more detail about it before deciding to throw my two cents in on the forum, so forgive me if this seems a bit rushed, since I just got done writing most of this stuff there.

I don't usually go for the nonconsent stories, but I liked yours a lot. Fear of the unknown is a more interesting motivation for me than fear of bodily harm. Especially in erotic fiction. The main character's apprehension was well written, and I liked the beginning when she sees the tit fucking in the pictures, looks at her breasts and thinks "Yeah, I could do that." I thought that was endearing. It's good stuff. Bravo.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

It's a solid story. You write well and the voice is quite strong. It's also firmly in my wheelhouse, so that helps.

I enjoyed it. By all means, continue.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Thanks for the encouraging words and your time reading, everyone! I know the next direction I want to go, but I haven't written it yet. What would you like to see next?

 

[Screenwriter66]

Where to Go Next

As far as Browser History goes, I think it feels done. I'd love for you to take a shot at writing from a different character's point of view and a different kind of tension.

 

[robertreams]

I gave you a five because, despite the fact I would have edited your usage quite a bit, you really registered on my peter meter. Just the right blend of slut, curious girl and virgin, with few wasted words. You almost lost me withh the 80% 20% stuff. Don't overexplain. You could use a bit more description:colors, smells, tc.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Thanks for feedback on Chapter 2, all.

I have never been a big fan of the story series that are basically Chapter 1: We Fuck Here; Chapter 2: We Fuck There; Chapter 3: We Fuck Over There; etc. I intend for Browse History 1 and 2 to stand alone, and for Browser History chapter 3 to be about their second encounter intercut with a lot of what Caroline's been doing with her newly-realized sexuality in college for a year. Browser History chapter 4 moves ahead to the present day where Caroline catches her babysitter in more or less the same way (though technology has changed) and puts her through a similar sexual initiation.

The whole thing came about from a discussion with a friend of mine about how in even in a sexual fantasy as basic and cliche as dad catches naughty teen babysitter, my perspective switches back and forth from being the younger, more suissive character and being the older and more dominant, usually in the course of the same fantasy.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

Thanks for feedback on Chapter 2, all.

I have never been a big fan of the story series that are basically Chapter 1: We Fuck Here; Chapter 2: We Fuck There; Chapter 3: We Fuck Over There; etc. I intend for Browse History 1 and 2 to stand alone, and for Browser History chapter 3 to be about their second encounter intercut with a lot of what Caroline's been doing with her newly-realized sexuality in college for a year. Browser History chapter 4 moves ahead to the present day where Caroline catches her babysitter in more or less the same way (though technology has changed) and puts her through a similar sexual initiation.

The whole thing came about from a discussion with a friend of mine about how in even in a sexual fantasy as basic and cliche as dad catches naughty teen babysitter, my perspective switches back and forth from being the younger, more suissive character and being the older and more dominant, usually in the course of the same fantasy.

Nothing like being a switch and having the ability to crawl into the head of any character at any stage of dominance you wish.

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

joe, do you think if the two parts were together as one, it would carry better? The only reason I split them was time and that I like best stories that are two Lit pages long or so, depending on the story.

I could have said more about what it felt like to have him inside her for the first time, but anybody who's taken 3 fingers isn't going to have any noticeable hymen left, and most active, happily masturbating women don't have one at 18, anyway. I know that's part of the fantasy, and what I'm writing is essentially fan fiction for a certain kind of sex, but it seemed like it would have been a particularly unrealistic detail.

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[nudityman]

Love your story, fun and sexy, part two soon please

what he said

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I've read chapters 1 and 2. There's not a lot to your story, so my comments will be brief. First of all, you are a fine writer with a tremendous grasp of pacing, detail, description and grammar. Despite telling the story of the deflowering and near rape of a young woman, there is a lightness to the text that makes it flow smoothly. The heaviness of the situation doesn't weigh down the story. It helps that I enjoy the Noncon/Reluctance category, and this is the type of story that I like to read--there is no forcible rape, but rather, consent is coerced as a result of a choice between two unappealing options. What makes this story work for me--in addition to your skill--is the fact that the setup is entirely plausible. The progression from fingering to blow job to penetration is natural and unforced.

Chapters 1 and 2 are both very short. I would have combined the two, but that's a personal preference. (I wrestle with making my chapters too long). The story is the same, either way. I'm curious as to where you plan to go with the next chapter.

As I previously mentioned, there isn't much plot going on here, but that's OK. This is a good way to start. If you choose, you can work on more plot driven pieces in the future. The important thing is that you write very hot sex scenes, and you do so in a convincing manner. Did I mention how much I love your pacing?

 

[Serafina1210]

I was going to offer you feedback on yours to repay your feedback on mine. But you don't need advice from me. It's hot--just keep writing.

 

[Trixareforkids]

Quite good.

The only thing I could find to say is rather than give the cup size of her bra/breasts find a fruit or something to compare them with to give a good mental picture of the size. Juicy mangoes, over sized oranges, pink grapefruits. If not fruit then just shape and general size maybe by saying how much they fill up or overflow your hand.

There was nothing else to give me pause, which being the nit-picky bitch I am is about the nicest thing I can say.