First Story wanting some feedback

[Taliaz]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=370981

I know it lacks dialouge but it wasnt meant to have any! but any other comments would be welcome on how to enhance what I am writing as it is really the first story I have shown publicly.

Thanks

T

 

[nonotthere]

I'll let you know after I finish it.

 

[freshface]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=370981

I know it lacks dialouge but it wasnt meant to have any! but any other comments would be welcome on how to enhance what I am writing as it is really the first story I have shown publicly.

Thanks

T

You have a tendency to pack a lot of sentences into one very long one. I counted one sentence at over a hundred words. By the time I got to the end of iit, I'd forgotten what it was about. There were also some problems with using the correct words that really broke the flow. For instance, in this one, I had to read it a couple of times to figure out what you were trying to say.

Then my hands were free to wonder to caress his muscular arms, run my fingers through his hair, down his back feeling the moisture soaking through his shirt, he was so powerful and I longed to see his body in the flesh, feel his hot skin on mine.

I'm guessing that wonder should be wander and that there should be a comma after it.

There were at least a few times where you changed from past tense to present and back to past again, all in the same sentence. I'd recommend picking a tense and sticking with it.

I'm not sure why you were intent on avoiding dialogue. I think it would have given the scene a more emotional feel. As it was, it was sort of flat. I really didn't care about them.

It did have a nice twist at the end and you did a decent job describing your character.

 

[Taliaz]

Thanks for your comments, i apologise for the spelling mistakes, i am on the floor typing on the laptop as i have a bad back and i only noticed the mistakes after I had posted.

I will take you comments on board for next time