First story: too lit, not enough erotica?

[soylentgreen23]

Hello all! It took me a long time to actually submit a story to literotica; I've been a fan of the site for years, but always in a very passive sense. Recently, a friend asked me to write a story with her as the main character, and since she thought it was pretty good, I decided to share it here.

The story has been read a few times, it seems, and about ten people have kindly taken the time to rate it, but I've not been fortunate enough to get any written feedback on it yet. Is there anyone here who can help? I'd really appreciate it - I'm worried the story takes too long to develop, and that the sex scene isn't sufficient payoff for all the reading that goes first; in short, that it's too much lit, not enough erotica.

It's called Kasia's Story (http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=377067) and it's in the "Erotic Couplings" section.

Cheers all

 

[ellynei]

(Remember I am not an editor I am an unprofessional beta-reader, hence my edit-suggestions must only be applied after you have yourself seen and thought; 'Ah yeah the nutcase is right about that one.' If any of my suggestions does not make complete sense to you, do NOT use them, because I might very well be wrong in those cases!)


Ellynut betareading experience:

The story starts with 651 words of atmosphere. On tv an atmospheric intro like this takes only seconds to watch. Town in the sun, beach in the sun, people relaxing, a single water-skier. Our heroine having a bikeride and coming home all sweaty, to have a shower and then read a book, and take a nap. But when reading many people take more than a few seconds to read 651 words.

Atmosphere.

It is a well-written atmosphere in my opinion. There is a few places I would nitpick, and probably more where a skilled editor would. But, it reads nicely.

The thing with a long atmosphere intro is that it doesn't catch new readers. If they don't know who you are (by reading previous work of yours), if they haven't heard up front that this story is amazing if they keep reading, then you need to catch their attention. And keep it.

First paragraph must be catchy if you want new readers. You first paragraph was a fine description, but it wasn't catchy. Also, 651 words of peaceful no-action atmosphere isn't catchy at all.


So yes, the first 651 words is too lit and too little erotica. For a new writer building up a reader base at least.

After the first long atmosphere haul, you take me to:

"Outside, a small bird, caught in a sudden updraft, hovered for a moment, looking through the window at Kasia lying naked on her bed. Not knowing what it had found, and suddenly released from its cushion of air, the bird flapped its wings and was away; we, however, have the luxury of staying where we are, and for a few seconds we can take in the beauty lying before us."

A POV-shock. (POV = point of view). I had been reading a normal third person narrative this far, and suddenly you speak of "us" (we). The Narrator, me, and who knows who else.

Unrattling, unsettling. And after the long atmosphere haul, I am impatient for something to happen, rather than curious what will happen.

At the point of POV-shock, you also completely change writing style.

"Kasia's breathing was gentle..." In this paragraph you even switch tense midway.

"As her eyelids are closed, we cannot..." present tense.

Thankfully you later switch back to past tense.

551 words to describe Kasia, during which you switch between speaking of us (we), and you (the author), and flecks of dust.


Regarding the POV-shock. If you want the reader to imagine him-/herself as some kind of invisible deity swarming around along with the narrator. Make sure you introduce this angle at the start, not 600 words in.

Anyhow, more than a thousand words of description before anything happens at all -- a phone rings.

Whether erotic or non-erotic, the story takes too long to begin.



The more I read, the more bored I am. But, I get the feeling that you could become good at making stories. You have thoughts, you describe well. (You go extremely overboard with the descriptions, but that's a matter of technique and practice. Editing advice from different people helps.)


By the way, this section:


"At this point of the story, which cleaves nicely in two, it is worth mentioning briefly that those critics who say that the writer is the most important element in the act of writing are, on some occasions, wrong. One such occasion is this one. So, what else could be the most critical factor that determines how a story is written?

I suggest that that role is played by you, the reader. You see, it would be very easy, as the writer, for me to decide that I had had enough of Kasia, that I was bored with this story, and so send her home all alone, to a night of tears and lamentations, and perhaps follow her so far in the course of her life as to see her later life, as a spinster perhaps, and the sadness that the passing days told. I could do that as easily as if I wanted to suddenly introduce a superhero, or a spaceship, into the story. Whether the story would be any good if I did is open to debate, but the power apparently lies in the hands of the writer, since he is working as the creator.

That changes when one knows one's audience.

The writer has, frankly, been in a bad mood for the last couple of days. His personal life has impinged on his work, has entered it like an unwanted character breaking through the third wall. In his present frame of mind, this writer feels almost unable - at times - to write a romance, yet a romance he must write. Why? Because this writer knows his audience, and if he does not tend to that audience, the whole endeavour of writing is pointless: what good is a story with nobody to read it? Therefore, in the specific case of this short story, since the anticipated audience is known to the writer, he must fulfill his duty, and write as if he felt what he was writing to be true in his heart. And who knows? Perhaps, through the cathartic act of writing, he might find that the mask he wears now fits, and he becomes a happier person because of it. Then, not only will he have satisfied his audience, he will have found himself suddenly, and forever, in their debt."

I am assuming it is a remnant from when you wrote this for your friend. Rather unfortunate that it is still on the lit version.

I see more flecks of gold, here.

"The bargirl made another pass through the small spaces between the massed tables, and again neglected to pick up anything as she went. Nobody complained, such was the length of her short skirt."

I actually like that, brief, and very clear. (Of course, I doubt a short skirt would have this impact on a group of heterosexual women. But, if it had been the context of male bar guests, it woulda been a good point. Yes, I am aware that there a probably a lot of male bar guests present, but we are zoomed in on some women at this point )



Eventually, I gave up and went into skim mode.


Allright.


First of all. Too many long boring sections. Start to phonecall I'd simply delete. It is not essential. Possible make a new -- briefer and less excessive -- description of your heroine.


Secondly. Author talking directly to the audience. Not working well for you. Give us more of your characters and less of you. You are probably an interesting person, but if you want to communicate to your readers directly write an autobiography -- not a fictional tale in which you are not even one of the characters.
You especially need to not complain to your reader about how hard it is to write...

"This switch of viewpoints disorients us; so too the change in tense. How, having leapt into the present, can we return to the past?"

Not amusing, merely annoying.


Thirdly. Less tell, more show. You spend a lot of time saying "Kasia is this" and "Kasia is that" and very little time on Kasia actually acting like someone who is this or that.



In conclusion. This story in its currents form is horribly boring. I think you can write interesting stories -- with time and practice. Or simply a personal interest in what you write. (The 'this author has had a hard time' section rather implied you didn't really have a feeling for this story.)


Try to write a story which truly catches you, yourself. When you have done that, edit it for purposes of catching others.


(Remember I am not an editor I am an unprofessional beta-reader, hence my edit-suggestions must only be applied after you have yourself seen and thought; 'Ah yeah the nutcase is right about that one.' If any of my suggestions does not make complete sense to you, do NOT use them, because I might very well be wrong in those cases!)

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Just from part 1:

encroaching modernity
too energetic a preoccupation
rose and fell langorously
maudlin disposition
awakedness
drunk detritus of society


No one talks like that (well, I've been known to but that's not the point) and awakedness isn't a real world. Context is enough to make some of those undestandable but even I can't define langorous or maudlin off the top of my head. There are times when overly eloborate language is useful (see the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, Jack Kirby's Fourth World, the Communist Manifesto) but when you actual want to narrate toward the reader wording should stay relatively simple.

Going the extra mile to use interesting words sends a specific message to the reader. In Melancholy the narrator is first person and the writer makes a point about him through the way narration in written. Kirby was writing a story in the style of old mythological epics so the flowery language set the tone. Marx was largely showing off his education. In Kasia's story you seem to be talking about a relatively normal person in a relatively normal world so phrases like "the drunken detrius of society" (which is awesome by the way) come off as awkward and some people may see them as arrogant.

There's an classic trick for catching things like that. Read your work out loud or act the part of the narrator in your head. Any time you think "holy crap, that sounded weird" look at the piece and try to rework it. On the other hand the part in which you describe Kasia's body makes very effective use of language because it seems to be written with a poetic air.

I'll also repeat ellynei's note that nothing happens. Nothing at all.

Pick a few stories at random from here or anywhere else. Typically you'll find one of two things. One to three paragraphs of who the characters are and then the story begins or BAM! something happens. You need to catch the readers attention as quickly as possible, I've (literally) knocked characters through walls to start stories.


One last thing, long descriptions and extremely intricate language are very good for the SciFi/Fantasy and Romance generas and neither will pressure you to jump straigh into the sex or strongly erotic parts of the story quickly (or at all, lol).

 

[soylentgreen23]

Thank you both so much for your feedback - you've gone into a lot more detail than I had expected, and I really appreciate the time and effort. I think I must have been a bit cocky to have simply uploaded this story to literotica without first passing it to a proper editor, and I won't make the same mistake again! I also agree that my story isn't erotic enough for 'Erotic Couplings', and that 'Romance' would have been a much better option.

Thank you for being so constructive with your comments; browsing some of the story pages, I've seen comments so short and negative that no improvement would ever come from them.

I'll work much harder now with my second effort.

 

[imsoexited]

After visiting your blog

I notice you really are on the way to being a better writer, from all the books youre are reading. May I make a suggestion?
From your lists and the story, I suggest you read some latin writers like I. Allende. As a man I really was amazed by her writings. From her lifestyle (stupid me) I thought she was just another Joan Collins, but no way...
There are lots of other fantastic S.A. writers and the all have a style that I thiink you would like.
Male as well as female.

And where are those from 100 years ago in your list? I saw just Jules Verne, but there are many more, male and female. Don't miss the european writers as many UK based both romantic and adventure....

You have the attitude in being serious and leaving television for reallife adventures.
Also remember to take writing classes as many of the now famous writers have done.
On the net you can find sites for those who really want to learn.
One mag I read is writers digest. They have a site also.

Best of luck.