First Story - The Hotel Room

[Driftwood70]

I’ve been sitting on this story for three years and I eventually decided to put it on here. I’d love your feedback on it. I also have a few more written that I’ll be posting soon. A mixture of styles and content. I hope you enjoy.

https://i.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=2102175

 

[ElectricBlue]

You've used a form of address that is really, really hard to get right - the direct address, "you." For starters, you've lost fifty percent of your reader base, because, well, we're not all women. Then, I think, you lose a whole bunch more, because a reader will say, "No, I'm not doing any of the things you tell me I'm doing, I'm not even in the room."

You have an audience of one in this story, and I'm not even convinced about that, because really, the only person in the room seems to be you. "She" is just not there, she's barely even a picture, let alone a living, breathing person with a personality. Even you the narrator are a blank. This is harsh, but this reads to me like a narrative of a porn video, there's no feeling, no emotion, no personality, there's nobody here at all.

Addressing one of your protagonists as "you" is a bit lazy as a writer, I think. You're expecting your addressee to do all the work, because "they" know all about themselves already, right? But I'm a reader, not this hypothetical "you," so if you the writer want to grab me the reader, you've got to work harder. It's your job as writer to convince me as reader that this woman is exquisitely sexy and Just. So. Desirable.

Maybe try this - every time you address the object of the story as "you," change that to "she," and describe her, make her the subject of the story. Remember that your reader isn't in the room - but the job of an erotica writer, I reckon, is to write about your characters in such a way that they want to be there in the room.

 

[NotWise]

I'm not entirely in step with electricblue. I'm not a fan of second person, but the story reads like an internal dialogue in which you're speaking to your recollection of a past lover. The story's short description confirms that.

You express yourself pretty well, but there were grammatical glitches in the story, a few of which bothered my reading, but that wasn't a big problem for me. The technical standards here might be higher than you're used to.

I noticed in your bio that you've been doing role play. They story reads like a role play scenario, which means that it doesn't read like a story. I agree with electricblue that there are no characters in your story. If it were role play, then one character would be you and the other would be your player, and you wouldn't need to develop characters. This isn't role play. You actually need to develop characters so that your readers can understand and connect with them.

The story is very short by Lit standards and it's incomplete. It's one night of sex. There's some construction in terms of groundwork, then building action to a climax, then declining action and an ending. But there's no setting, no characterization, no plot, no conflict, and no resolution; those are the fundamental components of a story.

I think you can write, but next time you might try to write a story instead of a role-playing scenario.

 

[KeithD]

The fail for a lot of readers comes right off the bat. This isn't second person. It's first person perspective trying to force itself into false second person, introducing an awkward, affected style from the getgo.

"Did you wonder what it would be like? You'd only spoken to me once before you agreed to meet. You felt a compulsion, a sensation that you wanted this badly."

It's revealed as really first person in sentence two. It's being told from the perspective of "me," not the person you identify as "you."

And then in the next sentence it purports to be able to discern the thoughts of the "you," which the me can't really do. You'd have to beat the I/me out of this and remain in the mind of the "you" throughout to follow a recognized (although not popular) writing style.

Add to that what's already noted--that you've immediately reduced your reader target to a small set--a "you" that the reader has no reason to identify with, and you've lost the game from the top. You'd have lost most of the readers even if you had achieved second person perspective.

You probably could turn this into a vignette that would appeal to some Literotica readers (as noted, it's not a story--but there are readers on Literotica for short sex scenes. They don't even have to be original in concept), if you redid it in first (in the mind of I/me) or third person (looking at the characters/action from a narrator) perspective.

 

[Driftwood70]

I thankyou for the critique but I actually think you both miss the point. The whole point of the story is him sitting by his phone reminiscing about the night they had. He wonders why she has not called him. He’s thinking of if he did anything wrong. That’s why he questions himself all the way through. The girl hardly has a character definition because it’s from his point of view. She shows her character right at the end when she finally contacts him. It’s short because it’s a short story. It’s not supposed to be any longer. That said, it’s not the only story I have and there is plenty of female character on those. In fact two of them I would say are female focussed.

I will certainly take onboard what you say. Maybe it’s not for everyone but the rating so far has been steady so I’m pleased with that. I have let several people read it (and the others) and most of them female and it was them that encouraged me to put it on here. I hope the others are more to your taste. They are still short contained stories though. One may turn into an anthology depending on reaction but I’m quite pleased with reactions so far.

Some of the stories have come out of roleplay but I wrote that bio three years go (I am going to change it) so don’t pay much attention to it for future stories.

 

[KeithD]

Perhaps you shouldn't have asked for critiques. You've jumbled up the perspective and created an affected one that a lot of readers (not just here--anywhere) are not going to buy into, and that's what three experienced writers here have tried to convey to you. It's not really a plot or character issue; it's a writing perspective issue.

 

[NotWise]

The whole point of the story is him sitting by his phone reminiscing about the night they had.

Maybe I'm just in a bad mood. But really? That was the whole point?

Your "whole point" was something like the last ten sentences tagged onto the end. What was the point to the rest of it? You could have cut out all the sex and made the story into a fifty-word exercise.

 

[Driftwood70]

I take onboard all critique ‘s that’s what will make me a better writer. This was written 3 years ago, I may even write it different if I was to do it today. It’s not supposed to be a novel or a continuing story. It’s a short story, contained within itself. I wanted to share it because I was encouraged to do so. I’d like to share the others too, so I hope they are more to your liking. I’m not naive enough to think it’s going to be liked by everybody. There are some adding it to favourites, so some like it more than others. I’m sure there are also some who hate it. I have no issue with that either.

I’d also like to add, I have not deleted any comments. Someone accused me of doing just that on the Story page comment section. Maybe Literotica moderators deleted it. I never even saw it. I’ve been asleep. There’s an 8 hour difference.

 

[Driftwood70]

Perhaps you shouldn't have asked for critiques. You've jumbled up the perspective and created an affected one that a lot of readers (not just here--anywhere) are not going to buy into, and that's what three experienced writers here have tried to convey to you. It's not really a plot or character issue; it's a writing perspective issue.

As painful as it could be, you don’t get anywhere with no critics. It’s what makes you a better writer.

 

[Maeven_quinn]

It’s been said already, but the 2nd person narration is .... risky. As I read it, my mind went “who is this guy and why does he think he can touch me?”

 

[Driftwood70]

Thanks again for all your suggestions and critique’s. I take on everything. Yes I understand the risk in writing this way (on this story particularly) but I just want to clear up some confusion. The “You” in the story is not “you the reader” it’s the girl he is thinking about. Perhaps it’s my fault but I didn’t want to show all my hands too soon. I want the last few sentences to bring it all together. Maybe I should do a paragraph before to explain where he (the storyteller) is and what he is doing. Maybe that will fix a few issues. When I originally wrote it, I wrote it as a stream of consciousness but was told it was too difficult to follow that way. So I rewrote it and structured it differently, which seemed more agreeable. Perhaps it needs something at the beginning to explain it better. I still don’t want to lose they style though.

On reflection I think I will try something at the beginning. I’d be grateful if you could let me know if this fixes the main issue, that of the perspective of the story teller, which seems to be the main criticism.

As I say I take everything on board, it makes me strive to be a bettter writer

 

[KeithD]

It’s been said already, but the 2nd person narration is .... risky. As I read it, my mind went “who is this guy and why does he think he can touch me?”

As has been said already, this wasn't second person. The perspective was established in the second sentence: "me" (first person). One of the primary problems is that folks don't know what second person is--being consistently in the head/perspective of the "you."

 

[KeithD]

The “You” in the story is not “you the reader” it’s the girl he is thinking about.

That's not the author's choice in this style instance. You'd need to find another way of wording it. The assumption unless you establish otherwise within the context of the work is that the person the narrator is speaking to when using "you" as you have is the reader.

 

[Driftwood70]

That's not the author's choice in this style instance. You'd need to find another way of wording it. The assumption unless you establish otherwise within the context of the work is that the person the narrator is speaking to when using "you" as you have is the reader.

This is exactly why I am thinking of clarifying that with a new paragraph at the beginning, but bear with me

 

[ElectricBlue]

The “You” in the story is not “you the reader” it’s the girl he is thinking about.

Yes, I knew that, but by the narrator so relentlessly addressing the other person in the room (or not in the room, as it turns out, but only right at the end) as "you," that address has the effect of asking the reader to "become" the woman or identify directly as the woman. Which, as we've pointed out, readers resist because: a) they're either not that gender; or b) if they are, they're not doing those things or wouldn't do those things.

Because it's a first person narrative (as KeithD points out, it's established early that the first person narrator is thinking all this), the story has one character telling another character what they're doing or meant to be thinking. This reader responded almost immediately by saying, "WTF, who are you to tell me what to do?" To be honest, if I had wandered into this story from a new story list, I'd have back-clicked on the very first sentence because I find true second person (which this isn't) a terrible voice to get my head around; or (as this one turned out to be) it's a first person story with some joker presuming to know what I'm thinking, and that's equally problematic. I read it, though, because you'd specifically asked for feedback.

That's why my opening remark was that you'd taken on a difficult voice (the most difficult voice, probably). There are some stories where "you" works as an address, but usually they're better set up to establish the "I" character first, and then that character addresses the (usually absent) "you" by way of obvious contemplation (often by way of a letter in the narrative) where the narrator is talking to the second person in a relationship, directly.

Your story is in fact doing this (contemplating), but to establish that definitively only by the incoming call right at the end, it's kind of messy.

I read your posting history only after I wrote my comment, and discovering that the genesis of the story was role-play made a bit more sense. I've seen this before, writers using role-play content essentially unaltered as story content, and I don't think it works very well. There needs to be a shift in understanding the writer/reader relationship for story telling. In role-play, the character being addressed as "you" is already "in" the script; whereas in a story, the "world" is different - it's the writer's world and they're inviting readers in by writing convincing characters with emotion and motive, giving the characters something to do, and so on. Role-play and story writing are two different things, I think. There might be some cross-over, but it usually needs translation first.

 

[Driftwood70]

I did say earlier, ignore the bio. It was written when I joined. I will be rewriting it.
Not all the story’s are based on roleplay. Some parts are influenced by it but for example, this one isn’t, solely. Only a very small part of it. The premise itself is not based on roleplay at all but from a scenario I thought up, alone.

The narrator perspective is obviously confusing a lot of people but I intend to rectify that with a prelude paragraph, but bear with me on that. I want to get it just right. I am listening and can see the “you” as a problem for some but it is definitely not intended to be “you” the reader. If I can fix that then I hope it reads better.

I don’t want anyone to identify with either character directly. I want it as “an outsider looking in” but it absolutely does not work as a third person view. “Did she” “He thought” etc...

I do think a prelude will work to put the reader in the proper place for the “you” to make sense.

Once again, all your insight is invaluable and it’s helping me a lot. While I insert the prelude, I will also tweak some of the narrative going back to the “guy sitting by his phone” to keep that connection to the narrative. I did think the reveal at the end would work but it obviously doesn’t to a lot of you. That’s not a problem, that can be easily fixed.

I would still like to leave both characters nameless. I don’t think that’s important, to the story. Once you give the two characters names, then the “you” stops being a focal point of the story. I prefer to keep things mysterious although I do have stories with names as well. This one I think works better without. I can really see where the confusion of the “you” comes from though and hopefully I can make that clearer in my tweaked version.

Again, thankyou all for your help, even if you don’t know you are giving it.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I would still like to leave both characters nameless. I don’t think that’s important, to the story. Once you give the two characters names, then the “you” stops being a focal point of the story. I prefer to keep things mysterious although I do have stories with names as well. This one I think works better without. I can really see where the confusion of the “you” comes from though and hopefully I can make that clearer in my tweaked version.

Again, thankyou all for your help, even if you don’t know you are giving it.

That can work, but be cautious as it can feel alienating - faceless subject and faceless object, and all that. Even O and K had initials. It's a "writerly" thing to do, I reckon, and takes some skill. Remember also that erotica is usually about intimacy, not distancing.

My other piece of advice, for what it's worth, is not to bother futzing with your first story. It is what it is, warts and all. Take on board whatever you want (which might be nothing at all, and that's okay), but put the effort into the next piece and the one after that. Do your apprenticeship, learn your technical chops, find your natural style. That takes about ten stories, I reckon. Keep your first pieces short and simple before you embark on the world's next great novel. Writing wise, you're okay, editorial errors and glitches that are easily fixed, but I'm not sure you've found your natural voice just yet. Toddler steps, we all do them .

 

[ElectricBlue]

I don’t want anyone to identify with either character directly. I want it as “an outsider looking in” but it absolutely does not work as a third person view. “Did she” “He thought” etc...

I'm not sure that's working either, since with first person the reader identifies with the narrator by default, because that's the point of view. Your first person narrator can't really be an outsider looking in, as he is "in" the room by definition, and in this case is agonising over what she thinks.

A disinterested third person narrator can "look in" on both characters and either provide dispassionate narrative or wry commentary, but I'm not sure a first person narrator can be that outsider. It sounds awfully bloody complicated!

 

[KeithD]

I do think a prelude will work to put the reader in the proper place for the “you” to make sense.

You could try something as simple as have him pick up a photograph of her and talk directly to that.

(Incidentally, I don't think it's anyone giving you advice on this thread who is confused about perspective.)

 

[gordo12]

I thankyou for the critique but I actually think you both miss the point.

There are readers that miss the point, but the main problem is when authors fail to communicate it clearly.

I didn't care for the 'you' format. As someone else mentioned I felt disconnected from the action and stopped reading. It all seemed very impersonal and impersonal isn't erotic.

I notice the story has been up for almost a day and attracted no comments beyond your own and it seems some of the people on this thread. That's not a good sign although it appears the category isn't that active.

Still there are stories rated higher with 30+ comments so the readers are there.
Now this may not apply to your story, but one of the times I don't leave comments is when the story is so hopeless comments won't help.

PS Mods only eliminate spam. They don't touch comments.

 

[ElectricBlue]

PS Mods only eliminate spam. They don't touch comments.

Laurel will remove racist and hatred bilge water, even if it's not dealt with by an author. We've had several threads over time where authors have commented they'd left a douche-bag comment stand, only to find it later removed. As only authors and Laurel can delete comments, it follows that Laurel peruses the database from time to time (I imagine a word-bot script or two, since most racist and homophobic comments are not exactly known for their originality).

 

[gordo12]

Laurel will remove racist and hatred bilge water, even if it's not dealt with by an author. We've had several threads over time where authors have commented they'd left a douche-bag comment stand, only to find it later removed. As only authors and Laurel can delete comments, it follows that Laurel peruses the database from time to time (I imagine a word-bot script or two, since most racist and homophobic comments are not exactly known for their originality).

Never seen a comment removed from a story unless the author did it, but then my experience is nowhere near your experience here.

 

[NotWise]

Never seen a comment removed from a story unless the author did it, but then my experience is nowhere near your experience here.

Laurel removed a comment from one of my stories recently. I let it sit for a while before I decided to delete it, and by the time I got there it was already gone. It's happened before.

 

[Jada59]

I had to stop after the first few paragraphs. You said, "You was" instead of "You were". And the way it was written scared me. I wasn't in your story. Now I am looking over my shoulder, looking for a stalker.

 

[Driftwood70]

You could try something as simple as have him pick up a photograph of her and talk directly to that.

(Incidentally, I don't think it's anyone giving you advice on this thread who is confused about perspective.)

That has occurred to me, I’m experimenting with using the silent phone, that way. Using that as a surrogate for the girl.