First Story " The Gypsy"

[desert man]

I realize you all are vary busy & that I'm new here. Please take the time if possable to review my first story "The Gypsy" in mature. Please let me now your thoughts & or ideas for any future stories. Your comments would be much appreciated.

Thank you

 

[Guest]

8 ¾

Well, Gypsy Man, I got a lot of criticism from people when I started posting, and I got better. Now I'm afraid It's your turn:

8 ¾ is the length of your dick in this true story. What's with the ¾? I mean how long did it take to find that on the keyboard?

Your grammar needs improving to the point where it doen't get in the way of your story. I'm really tolerant of variations in grammar, but it sometimes gets so in the way that I just can't read the story. Like if a guitar is so out of tune, doesn't matter how nice a song you play, all they hear is the out of tune guitar.

I don't know what grammar books you should read, I'm from Britain. But you need to tighten it up a lot.

First paragraph:

I have always had a fetish for older women well educated, mentally as well as physically stimulating. This is a true story. I was raised by a single well-educated women maybe that is where this fetish started having always had the inside scoop on what women really want & need. My mother had a beautiful three-story house, which typically had a party going on if the weather was agreeable. The house was a three story with three decks an in ground pool and an incredible view of the entire city we lived at the top of the hill. It just so happened that, I was an 18yrs old 6ft blonde long hair blue eye, well built & my mother was having a party in August.


1st sentence, wrong, the word order.
2nd s. "This is a true story". -- so what? Readers won't care.
3rd s. "...woman. Maybe..." missing commas. If you don't know how to use a comma, find out.
4th s. "typically" is not right. Shift-F7 in Word to get alterantives.
5th s. Repeating "three story", this time for some reason without the hyphen. Missing period.
6th. What color was your other eye? Did it just so happen that you were 18? Or what?
"&" doesn't read well. Search and replace with "and".

So, you may think I'm nit-picking, but believe me, with so many nits I couldn't see your long blond hair. Sorry to be harsh, but you've got to raise the standard of grammar.

Josh.