First story series wanting some feedback

[Iamcanadian28]

I've sent in my first story for the Nude day contest and received less than stellar voting scores. That is fine, I wasn't expecting great marks, but I was hoping for some constructive feedback and that hasn't really happened. Can someone please take a look at them and give me your honest feedback. I actually prefer constructive criticism as I honestly want to improve my writing.

Thanks in advance for any response I get.

Chapter 1
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=370900

Chapter 2
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=371356

 

[ellynei]

been busy days

I'm tired, gotta go to bed, have been neglecting feedback forum. See your request still has 0 replies and is slowly sinking down the feedback list.

It's horrible not to get feedback on first stuff, so gonna give ya a little bump and hope someone responds. First story is only one page long I see, but I really gotta sleep now.

Hope I get time to read and give you feedback in a few days if noone else does, no promises though. Busy times.

 

[scouries]

fuck....i knew it!

I saw this thread and couldn't resist opening chapter one. Fuck, you are a Canadian! And you own a trailer!

A View to a Thrill
by Iamcanadian28©


It was the shock of seeing the trailer rocking before my eyes that I remember most. I recognized the movement right away, from the numerous times that my wife and I had made love that way over the years. I couldn't believe they were doing it right there with me sitting at the picnic table reading my book only a short distance away. It makes my heart pound just thinking about how excited I was from that simple movement. Maybe I need another vacation, to recover from my vacation.

The week started innocently enough. It was a simple holiday away at a campground with my wife Kelly and daughter Hannah. We couldn't afford hotels for the week, so we decided to spend the week at my parent's trailer.

My Comment


The big problem with chapter one is that it's too short! You get to the end of it and ask yourself 'is that all'. While it had some potential I definately wasn't tempted to open chapter two. These multi chapter stories always risk losing 95% of the readers for the next chapter.

I don't know how many chapters you plan to write but you'd be much better putting three or four of these short chapters together at a minimum.

Generally the reading public wants to read Literotica stories in one sitting - I'd suggest 5-10,000 words is the ideal length.

Maudit anglais!

 

[Iamcanadian28]

I saw this thread and couldn't resist opening chapter one. Fuck, you are a Canadian! And you own a trailer!

A View to a Thrill
by Iamcanadian28©


It was the shock of seeing the trailer rocking before my eyes that I remember most. I recognized the movement right away, from the numerous times that my wife and I had made love that way over the years. I couldn't believe they were doing it right there with me sitting at the picnic table reading my book only a short distance away. It makes my heart pound just thinking about how excited I was from that simple movement. Maybe I need another vacation, to recover from my vacation.

The week started innocently enough. It was a simple holiday away at a campground with my wife Kelly and daughter Hannah. We couldn't afford hotels for the week, so we decided to spend the week at my parent's trailer.

My Comment


The big problem with chapter one is that it's too short! You get to the end of it and ask yourself 'is that all'. While it had some potential I definately wasn't tempted to open chapter two. These multi chapter stories always risk losing 95% of the readers for the next chapter.

I don't know how many chapters you plan to write but you'd be much better putting three or four of these short chapters together at a minimum.

Generally the reading public wants to read Literotica stories in one sitting - I'd suggest 5-10,000 words is the ideal length.

Maudit anglais![/QUOTE

Yes I agree it was too short mostly because I was trying to get it done in time for the competition and my writing schedule is extremely hectic, I really didn't know I would get chapter 2 out so quickly. I appreciate the feedback though and just because the story was set in a campground does not make it a true story or a Canadian story.

 

[PrincessErin]

.....

 

[Iamcanadian28]

Read your two stories along with your poems. Left you some feedback. Not sure how constructive it is though.

Thanks I appreciate your feedback, I'll take what I can get.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

The grammar's a bit sloppy in places. Also, you seem to get a little caught up in the excitement as the tenses suddenly shift all over the place at certain points. An extra read through is always good for catching that type of stuff.

The descriptions seemed fine, but I thought the dialogue was a little forced. It was a bit too much 'crap porn movie' for me. It wasn't really my kind of thing and I wasn't reading too closely by the second chapter. I'm sure you'll find plenty of people out there that are after that kind of thing though.

 

[sr71plt]

I saw this thread and couldn't resist opening chapter one. Fuck, you are a Canadian! And you own a trailer!

Ummm, no, not necessarily. That's why they call it fiction.

And I'm keeping count on how many separate critiquers this week can tell someone requesting feedback to get an editor and themselves misspell "definitely" in the same paragraph. It's up to three this week so far--and I don't think that even includes our champion misspeller (who does, in fact, misspell "definitely" consistently).

 

[eatout]

fantastic

I've sent in my first story for the Nude day contest and received less than stellar voting scores. That is fine, I wasn't expecting great marks, but I was hoping for some constructive feedback and that hasn't really happened. Can someone please take a look at them and give me your honest feedback. I actually prefer constructive criticism as I honestly want to improve my writing.

Thanks in advance for any response I get.

Chapter 1
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=370900

Chapter 2
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=371356

That is some awesome writing skills there! I got a hard-on reading that. I think you'll do just fine. I'm writing a book about my life,( depression,bi-polar,etc.), and if it,s half as good as yours, i'll be happy! Except mine is G-rated! Yours will do what its supposed to do! Make people horny!! I've read a lot worse on literotica.

 

[eatout]

I've sent in my first story for the Nude day contest and received less than stellar voting scores. That is fine, I wasn't expecting great marks, but I was hoping for some constructive feedback and that hasn't really happened. Can someone please take a look at them and give me your honest feedback. I actually prefer constructive criticism as I honestly want to improve my writing.

Thanks in advance for any response I get.

Chapter 1
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=370900

Chapter 2
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=371356

That is some awesome writing skills there! I got a hard-on reading that. I think you'll do just fine. I'm writing a book about my life,( depression,bi-polar,etc.), and if it,s half as good as yours, i'll be happy! Except mine is G-rated! Yours will do what its supposed to do! Make people horny!! I've read a lot worse on literotica.

 

[eatout]

fantastic

I've sent in my first story for the Nude day contest and received less than stellar voting scores. That is fine, I wasn't expecting great marks, but I was hoping for some constructive feedback and that hasn't really happened. Can someone please take a look at them and give me your honest feedback. I actually prefer constructive criticism as I honestly want to improve my writing.

Thanks in advance for any response I get.

Chapter 1
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=370900

Chapter 2
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=371356

That is some awesome writing skills there! I got a hard-on reading that. I think you'll do just fine. I'm writing a book about my life,( depression,bi-polar,etc.), and if it,s half as good as yours, i'll be happy! Except mine is G-rated! Yours will do what its supposed to do! Make people horny!! I've read a lot worse on literotica.

 

[ellynei]

Oh my. Not exactly the feedback source I was looking for,

If the devil himself rises up from hell, to give you feedback on feedback forum, you shouldn't say that hun. It's not nice. Let's all do our best to keep story feedback threads about stories, not people.

 

[ellynei]

Regarding your request for constructive feedback, I looked at first part:

(Remember I am not an editor I am an unprofessional beta-reader, hence my edit-suggestions must only be applied after you have yourself seen and thought; 'Ah yeah the nutcase is right about that one.' If any of my suggestions does not make complete sense to you, do NOT use them, because I might very well be wrong in those cases!)

-----

It makes my heart pound just thinking about how excited I was from that simple movement.

This early in the story people have no faith in your grammar, this sentence is correctly tensed as far as I can see, but! I winced at the beginning of sentence thinking 'here we go with tense issues' - only realising at end ah yeah this IS present, the time he is narrating at.

To avoid psychological side effects I recommend rephrase:

Just thinking about how excited I was from that simple movement, can still make my heart pound faster.

or

Just thinking about how excited I was from that simple movement, still makes my heart pound faster.
-----
All of a sudden I hear a rumble in the distance. The sound of a large truck coming down the campsite road towards us distracts me from my task. I can't help but look as the truck slows down and begins to pull into the lot beside us.

ok, actual tense issues here.

hear -> heard
distracts -> distracted
can't -> couldn't
slows -> slowed
begins -> began
-----
" "Did you find it yet?" Kelly yells loudly, clearly agitated. That breaks me from my stupor, and I realize the cloth is right in front of me. I quickly grab it and sprint inside leaving our new neighbors alone. I hand her the cloth and she cleans up the mess from our daughters feeding and continues rocking her to sleep.

"Am I going to have to do everything myself this weekend?" She scolds, giving me a dirty look. 

"Sorry hon. It seems we're not alone anymore." I point out the window at the truck pulling the trailer in next door. Their trailer is much smaller and plainer than our own and much older as well. I notice a girl has gotten out and was directing the guy in the truck backing onto the lot."

this part is present tense, needs to be past ('xept for dialogue of course).
-----
One look at her gets my blood boiling. The way her petite body fills the short denim cutoff shorts and tank top makes me hard with just one glance.

present -> past
-----
"the all the hormones"

remove first the
-----
"who's cock was always rock"

who's -> whose
-----
"I can't help it, when's the last time you let me touch you?" "Look, we've been over this. I'm so tired all the time and my hormones are still going nuts. You think its easy having a baby?" She replied in her usual fashion.

->

"I can't help it, when's the last time you let me touch you?"

"Look, we've been over this. I'm so tired all the time and my hormones are still going nuts. You think its easy having a baby?" she replied in her usual fashion.

(notice I changed 'She replied' to 'she replied' too.)
-----
"I'm going for a swim. Do you think you can manage to watch our daughter while I'm gone?" She asked sarcastically.

She -> she (remember the ? woulda been a comma if this had not been a question).
-----
It was a few moments later when I saw it. Or more so I felt it.

This is not incorrect, but I'd suggest:

A few moments later, I saw it. Or rather, felt it.

for smoother and more immediate reading.
-----
The trailer started rocking around right in front of me.

The other couples trailer right? You haven't specified which way the hero is turned so this sentence causes a lil bit of confusion.

suggestion:

The neighboring trailer started...

or some such.
-----
"you can tell that her boyfriend was pounding inside her causing her breasts to shift"

can -> could

"you can feel from gazing upon her"

can -> could

I am able to infer that 'you' here means 'I' or 'you if you had been here' , but in this context I'd say use I or use rephrasing. It feels a bit too abstract with 'you' here, another form of expression would be more immediate, and would better draw me into his experience.
-----


Righty, that was some basic nit-picking ellynutcase style.

Sense of realism: Top score.

Tenses: Eeek, work on it!

Hotness: N/A (not applicable, not my genre, I refer to your target audience for such evaluations).

This first chapter definibalidubately should have had a Ch. 01 ending to title, as a stand alone the sexuality fills too little.

--If this had been a stand-alone comments---
Not that you ALWAYS have to have an immense amount of sexuality crammed into an erotic story, but if you don't stroke the lust you need to stroke something else. (Viewed as a stand alone the non-erotic aspects of the story has no rounding off in this chapter, hence their non-erotic 'stroke-value' doesn't really count) in a stand-alone scenario.
----------------

So it's a good thing it's not a stand alone I haven't looked at chapter 2 but judging from your writing, you seem to be a sensible guy. So I'm assuming chapter 2 takes up a dramatic storyline (erotic and non-erotic aspects both) that justifies the very long intro in chapter 1.

What I mean is, I read a lot of words which painted a clear picture of the hero's relationship with his wife. If the sole purpose of that picture was believeability and letting the reader really understand what lead up to the final wanking in the sun, it shoulda been done with fewer words.

However if it leads up to a longer story with both erotic and non-erotic aspects, then the vivid insight and detail can be rewarding.

Hope that made sense...

(And no, even though I preach that lesson, I haven't really learned it myself. So if you mind that rock you can throw it right back at me. I'm guilty, I'm guilty.)


Hope this was more helpful than harmful.

and to reiterate:

(Remember I am not an editor I am an unprofessional beta-reader, hence my edit-suggestions must only be applied after you have yourself seen and thought; 'Ah yeah the nutcase is right about that one.' If any of my suggestions does not make complete sense to you, do NOT use them, because I might very well be wrong in those cases!)