First Story: Second Chance

[IntenseQuiet]

Hello all,

A few days ago, my first-ever (okay, I have been writing for a loooong time, but just never submitted one anywhere) story was approved. I am thrilled and would love some feedback on it.

Second Chance

Thank you! =]

Intense Quiet

 

[kbate]

Many of the little details - in the early sections of the story - seem to be somewhat unnecessary: The click of the transfer machine. "balky" doors. Red transfer machine. Workaholics. etc..

--
"begin to cling to the veil of sweat beginning to form" -- too much begin.

She felt her t-shirt clinging to the veil of..
--

"Her red boy's shorts". --- order of adjectives makes this an awkward line.

---

I could have lived without the paragraph about her breakup and his life history. Rather - expound on her sense of 'comfort' in a crowd - in light of what is about to happen among this crowd.

A thousand colognes? Big bus?!

___

Overwell well written, although some care to punctuation might help present the thoughts in a clearer manner. Good scene setting, if a few too many details at times. The actual 'heart' of the story was good and I enjoyed that scene.

well done.







'

 

[IntenseQuiet]

Thanks! I am taking your advice into consideration and trimming down my next story so that it doesn't suffer from excessive unnecessary-ness.

Cheers.

=]