First Story - Rain - Feedback Please

[QuantumTruth11]

Hey! My first attempt at an erotic story. I'd like some feedback on the structure and style. I do know there maybe a couple of grammar issues, which need editing .
Feel free to have a go at it.
Its a tale of adultery.
https://www.literotica.com/s/rain-68

 

[Jada59]

Very nice! I liked it!

 

[yukonnights]

I was just going to scan it...but you captured me I really enjoyed it - left my thoughts in a comment at the end of the story. You, like most writers, missed a few minor typos which did not in any way interrupt the flow of the story ( in other words, I wouldn't stress over them or worry about trying to correct them.) Actually, I enjoyed your story more than I have many others lately (including my own ). Congratulations on a job well done !

 

[ElectricBlue]

As the others say, a nice little tale, well told, and the different cultural nuances come across well. I was puzzled as to why you put it in Mature because (unless I missed something) the characters were all in their mid twenties, but no matter.

I don't think you really needed the author's preamble or the outro - have confidence in the telling of your story on its own. Adding commentary like this just primes your reader for something, and reminds us it's "just a story." Similarly, I don't think you actually needed the first paragraph - don't tell us that as the author, let the story tell it in its own good time. It's a mini "info-dump" but it's not essential to the story, not really.

But those comments are just quibbles - it's a sweet story, sensitively told, the use of rain as a sensual agent was good (I have to say that, as I use rain as a character all the time). There's a gentleness here that I like. Keep writing, tidy up the minor editorial bits and pieces, you'll do nicely.

 

[CapDragon121]

Good story

 

[CapDragon121]

Good story.

 

[QuantumTruth11]

Play on Indian culture.

I was just going to scan it...but you captured me I really enjoyed it - left my thoughts in a comment at the end of the story. You, like most writers, missed a few minor typos which did not in any way interrupt the flow of the story ( in other words, I wouldn't stress over them or worry about trying to correct them.) Actually, I enjoyed your story more than I have many others lately (including my own ). Congratulations on a job well done !

Anything particular you liked about the cultural aspect or was it as a whole?

 

[QuantumTruth11]

Thank you

As the others say, a nice little tale, well told, and the different cultural nuances come across well. I was puzzled as to why you put it in Mature because (unless I missed something) the characters were all in their mid twenties, but no matter.

I don't think you really needed the author's preamble or the outro - have confidence in the telling of your story on its own. Adding commentary like this just primes your reader for something, and reminds us it's "just a story." Similarly, I don't think you actually needed the first paragraph - don't tell us that as the author, let the story tell it in its own good time. It's a mini "info-dump" but it's not essential to the story, not really.

But those comments are just quibbles - it's a sweet story, sensitively told, the use of rain as a sensual agent was good (I have to say that, as I use rain as a character all the time). There's a gentleness here that I like. Keep writing, tidy up the minor editorial bits and pieces, you'll do nicely.

Oh wow. Thank you for the uplifting comments, everyone. I wasn't sure quite sure of the story. Thank you for the suggestions Electric. I will remember them for the next time I write. I really thought the first paragraph was needed to put things in perspective.
As for the mature category, I wasn't sure where else to put it. I also realized just now that mature meant older characters rather than a 'mature' plot. haha. Would my story come under erotic couplings. I seriously can't find a relevant category.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Oh wow. Thank you for the uplifting comments, everyone. I wasn't sure quite sure of the story. Thank you for the suggestions Electric. I will remember them for the next time I write. I really thought the first paragraph was needed to put things in perspective.
As for the mature category, I wasn't sure where else to put it. I also realized just now that mature meant older characters rather than a 'mature' plot. haha. Would my story come under erotic couplings. I seriously can't find a relevant category.

Erotic Couplings would have been okay. Mature is generally for older/younger pairings, or older/older. Yes, you have written about an adult relationship, and I suppose, compared to some of the endless "on our eighteenth birthday we..." stories, that actually counts as mature, but in terms of a category it's a bit of a misfit. But, you got the readers in, which is the main thing.

 

[yukonnights]

Anything particular you liked about the cultural aspect or was it as a whole?

Probably the most interesting was the more restrictive cultural norms regarding sexual relations. The part where she felt it was acceptable to try another man because the husband had not been faithful before marriage was the hinge the story turned on. It seemed a subtle way to imply some revenge for her...and then she was happy to go on with the marriage.

We here in the USA (and probably other western countries) have seen movies about cultures where arraigned marriages the norm. Usually they portray it more as a duty for the wife. You made it clear that it goes both ways...and that good Indian girls aren't always the subdued submissive wife.

The descriptions of the area and the rain during the roof top scene added a gentle relaxed feel to the whole story.

I hope you keep exploring this culture, it's unique and quite interesting.